Those creepy-crawly doubts of competence and confidence can knock you flat. "Am I really worth it?" "Can I really charge this much?" "Am I any good at what I do?"
It's normal to think those things, and I bet you do, too.
As normal as they are, they can paralyze you. Make you shy to offer help to people. Turn you into a shrinking wallflower, hiding your light under a double-thick wool blanket.
But, there's an answer: just work on valuing yourself more!
BZZZZZZZZ- wrong answer.
Behind door number one, work on valuing yourself more, is a whole host of problems. And, to start with, how in the heck DO you 'value yourself more'?
Some of the normal ways people try and go about it include:
The problem with 'valuing yourself.'
The real problem here is that you are on trial. 'Value' is a judgment. Whether someone says you are bad or someone else says you are good, it's still a judgment.
Judgment never feels good to the heart, even if it's going your way, because it inherently diminishes you.
Plus, if it doesn't feel true (and what judgment truly feels 'true'), you are going to end up trying to occupy a professional space that is larger than who you really are. And, your clients can sense that, and will avoid it, and you.
The answer? Honest appreciation.
Instead of valuing, honest appreciation for what is present and true will actually boost your heart and your confidence in a powerful and authentic way.
You don't have to be more, or to be bigger. But, receiving some honest appreciation will help you realize that you've been squishing yourself into a smaller space then you need to.
You may think I'm playing word games, but there is a very profound spiritual teaching at work here.
Doing it yourself versus receiving.
'Value' is a judgment, and it has a flavor of you or others doing it through your own will-power.
'Appreciation' is, according to the Sufis, an innate quality of the Divine. One of the names for the Divine is The Appreciative. You don't create appreciation through your own will, you receive it into your heart as a gift.
In practice, I've noticed that when folks try to value themselves, they tend to either stay very small, taking tiny incremental steps forward, or they get caught in grandiose dreams that soon collapse because they aren't based in reality.
However, I've watched time after time when someone receives honest appreciation they bloom with confidence and clarity, and move forward with bold steps that are organic to who they are.
Sound good? Ready for some appreciation? Well, there is an art to it.
Keys to Honest Appreciation
• They need to be specific to actions or circumstances.
"You're great at what you do!" Not helpful. "What you do" is so non-specific, that there is no way for anyone to get a handle on what you are referring to.
Instead, you want to pick specific actions or circumstances. "When you led class last week..." "When I read the article you just wrote..." "When I received your product in the mail and used it for the first time..."
• They need to be specific to effect.
Similarly, appreciating someone as "great" is really just a value judgment. After all, if someone has the power to call you "great" then they also have the power to call you "miserable." Not helpful.
"When you led class last week, I felt such a sense of relief and excitement." The effect is the feeling or emotion that came up for the person bringing the appreciation.
• They need to be specific to outcome.
Finally, the appreciation needs to talk about how you see yourself or others affected.
"When you led class last week, I felt such a sense of relief and excitement, because I learned things I didn't know, and whole new possibilities for what I'm doing opened up. Also, seeing how you handled that really challenging, skeptical question left me feeling really happy, because I was inspired as to how I could handle similar situations in my own life."
Notice how powerful that appreciation is? It's specific to circumstances, to the immediate effect it had on the person, and to the outcome.
Put together an appreciation club, where you and friends and colleagues can give really specific appreciations to each other when you get the creep-crawly doubts hacking away at your and your business.
For more information check out Nonviolent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg. You can also check out LaShelle Charde, who has helped me incredibly in understanding and applying this approach. www.wiseheartpdx.org
• Extra bonus: Mainline spiritual appreciation
Because The Appreciative is considered a Divine quality, you can also spend time in your heart asking for appreciation direct from Source. You can use spiritual practice to receive peace or love in your heart- and the same approach works for appreciation.
Take a situation that you feel doubts about, let yourself feel the doubts, and ask in your heart for the Quality of Appreciation. Notice what happens in your heart, and how you feel afterwards.
Let me know how it goes.
The best to you and your business,
Mark Silver