Compassion In All Directions

This is a guest post by Andrea J. Lee in the Do No Financial Harm series. Andrea is a leader at the intersection of coaching and small business. She’s contributed to numerous coaching associations and organizations, both public and private, since 2001, and plays an active role in shaping the programs of other coaching leaders internationally. Her coaching mentorship company and more about her is at available at www.WealthyThoughtLeader.com.  

Yes, we can do harm – not just financial, but spiritual, karmic, emotional harm. And the ultimate in physical harm – James A Ray just received his 2 year prison sentence for the death of 3 people….

Mark, I won’t make a post from my site this time, but look to contribute here directly – thank you. And first I think it’s important that I express my biases for context… I experience this conversation from quite a few (complex) angles:

1. As someone who charges higher fees and made perhaps questionable-seeming invitations from stages at events;
2. Feeling like I was, I won’t call it ‘harmed,’ but that I had my eyes opened, and I didn’t come out ahead on some 5 and 6 figure investments, but ultimately there’ve been lots of happy new endings (including being able to contribute to this dialog);
3. Holding myself accountable and attentive to not harming as a continuous and very heightened practice, especially in the shadow of Madoff, Occupy, helping create certification programs in various markets, etc.;
4. Working with service providers who come looking for ways to make money in ways that don’t harm;
5. Working with people who have definitely harmed, and want to find new pathways;
6. The heartbreak of people feeling like I’ve harmed them, and,
7. Supporting people who have been harmed, and are looking for amnesty, an ombudsplace, healing or just a way to move forward – the latest being a group who’re in the midst of their legal pursuits (there have been 6 of these I’ve been able to observe and take notes from since 2008 and a few more I’ve only seen from afar.)

Translation: I’ll have more to add here from the perspective of charging higher-end fees. So with that out of the way!

First, ‘Do no harm’ is a definite must-have for us

I don’t think a badge or ‘oath’ will harm (ai!) but nor do I think it will do that much good, sadly. It may. (It’s still worth doing/trying!) But it’s hard to use a system to cure a system…an oath can be sworn by anyone, after all…

Back to ‘do no harm.’ Just like within the medical establishment, the chances of us doing harm in this helping world of ours are actually very present, all the time. That’s not a commentary on our intention or heart. Our field of helping is one with a long history, yet the workings of a human remain mysterious and ever-changing, right?

We are traversing land we don’t know everything about, even if are the wisest of teachers. It seems to me that all of us, whether we charge a high or a reasonable fee, is taking a risk when we try to help a client.

Who hasn’t flinched at the scene in the movie where a parent helps a child with something, only to have the child teased and hurt?

There are new ways we can harm each other with every passing year – it’s our job to recognize this, and for me, I am only as good as the last client interaction I had… I have to take it client by client and seek to do better each time. It is a tiring thing some days, but that is the truest thing I can say about how I feel about harm (how not to) and clients.

Just because the possibility of harming is so present though, isn’t to try and excuse people from taking action, we just have to be aware of it, since anyone who thinks they are exempt and ‘would or could never harm’ are actually in some ways, even more potentially dangerous.

What I propose is another angle of observation

If and when a teacher has harmed, what do they do? Are they horrified and seek to mend? Are they open to being wrong? Or do they laugh? Do they secretly ridicule? These are the ones I think it’s most tempting to ban from our lives. But… this may be controversial… I try to dig deep for compassion even so.

Having collaborated and worked for/with so many big name coaches, I make myself responsible for helping – at every juncture – and making it clear when I feel harm is being done. It’s worse, in my opinion, to abandon or condemn a leader when they are walking in the shadows. They most need our help in those moments. And we are irresponsible if we think turning our backs by not promoting is enough to fix.

When a person knows better, most often, they will do better. I try to spend energy there – though I’m not always successful – I do get so upset sometimes. But the idea is that we’re all in it together, rather than some of us in the right and some of us in the wrong. Am I right or wrong about that, do you think?

Also, doing the right thing goes beyond what we charge. What a person pays can’t be the only thing that’s supposed to create change. A time frame, sense of urgency, deadline are all needed to create action and change… (just think of teenagers) but it’s relative.

Is a contrived time frame within an event worse than a contrived time frame online? Why or why not? If a ‘real limiter’ is better than a ‘made up limiter’ how or why? What makes one thing a ‘real or natural’ limiter versus a manipulative one?

If the difference is making sure there’s room to think, breathe, consult others, can an event be designed so those things can happen there, too? (It certainly can, and it’s the event host’s choice where on the spectrum they land.)

Is a longer time frame outside of an event better, per se, than a short time frame at an event? I’ve seen it enough to say – if there is pressure sales, brainwashing, or abused power, it is all wrong, no matter where.

I guess the most important thing as a practitioner is to try to be as awake as possible. We also dearly need to become better buyers and consumers of teaching and help too…

(Hint: if you think you’re abusing power and manipulating people, you likely are. And/or… if you allowed yourself to be pushed into something against your better judgment and need to take responsibility/make peace with that… you likely do. Happy day! You are not asleep…you can make an adjustment. And you can not do it again.)

Sigh. This is getting long.

Just a couple other thoughts, perhaps a touch more pragmatic

If you feel in your heart you’re leaving, let’s say, 50% or more money on the table relative to your value (the numbers are subjective and relative) work to stretch to receive more! You’re in no danger of charging too much yet.

If you feel you’re earning, let’s say 100% (or more!!) money relative to your value (a good measure is refunds or complaints) stretch to leave money ON the table (say 25% – don’t try to earn all that you ‘could.’) Think of it as a pre-earning tithe, and you’ll save on taxes too. (By the way, a corollary – charging high fees because a person can, then showing off how much supposed philanthropy they’re involved in… omg… can it get perverser?)

The best way to learn to charge more with integrity and confidence is to prove (to yourself!) the results you can create first. The notion of just hanging out a shingle and charging a little can also be harmful (to you and them) in principle if you are so new at what you do that you can’t be sure of your value. This is where getting out there and just doing your thing, lots, is soooo very important.

Now this is where I get a bee in my bonnet — pricing, no matter by who or what is offered, is always a market experiment (how many cows will I trade for your hut today), and whether you as the business owner, or the market, perceives you as reasonable or very expensive, is always changing.

We so need to recognize this and not speak of pricing and such as if it can be pinned down – this is a completely non-static conversation and there are no absolutes. Except, maybe, that in spite of all this, we must keep going, because on balance, there is still more good being done than harm… (she says, reaching for her hip pocket packet of optimism.)

Just look at colleges whose ‘success’ rate of its graduates is, they say, what, 10%, and all the money that is spent on higher education. We can all aim higher…

and I treasure being part of a community dedicated to that, and doing better, with love in our hearts.