Those creepy-crawly doubts of competence and confidence can knock you flat. “Am I really worth it?” “Can I really charge this much?” “Am I any good at what I do?”
It’s normal to think those things, and I bet you do ï èAè, too.
As normal as they are, they can paralyze you. Make you shy to offer help to people. Turn you into a shrinking wallflower, hiding your light under a double-thick wool blanket.
But, there’s an answer: just work on valuing yourself more!
BZZZZZZZZ- wrong answer
Behind door number one, work on valuing yourself more, is a whole host of problem b \A\s. And, to start with, how in the heck DO you ‘value yourself more.’?
Some of the normal ways people try and go about it include:
– Affirmations: “My name is Elmer J Fudd, millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht. (Repeat!)”
Problem: You don’t believe it. And now you not only don’t value yourself, but on top of that you have the weight of feeli ì çAçng like you’re lying to yourself. Oy!
– Acting ‘as if’: “Well, I’ll just wear fancy clothing, drive a cool car, and rent a room for my seminar that will hold 200 people.”
Problem: Same as above, except you’ve added the price of clothes, a car, and a seminar room onto your credit card.
– The cheerleading squadron: “Yay! You ARE a fabulous success!” This where you get others to throw affirmatio î éAéns back at you.
Problem: Now your friends are lying to you, too. Cringe, whimper. Hide.
The problem with ‘valuing yourself.”
The real problem here is that you are on trial. ‘Value’ is a judgement. Whether someone says you are bad or someone else says you are good, it’s still a judgement.
Judgement never feels good to the heart, even ì çAçif it’s going your way, because it inherently diminishes you.
Plus, if it doesn’t feel true (and what judgement truly feels ‘true’), you are goi |+°ng to end up trying to occupy a professional space that is larger than who you really are. And, your clients can sense that, and will avoid it, and you.
The answer? Honest appreciation.
Instead ì çAçof valuing, honest appreciation for what is present and true will actually boost your heart and your confidence in a powerful and authentic way.
You don’t have to be more, or to be bigger. But, receiving some honest appreciation will help you realize that you’ve been squishing yourself into a smaller space then you need to.
You may think I’m playing word games, but there is a very profound sp 5 /A/iritual teaching at work here.
Doing it yourself versus receiving.
“Value” is a judgement, and it has a flavor of you or others doing it through your own will-power.
“Appreciation” is, according to the Sufis, an innate quality of the Divine. On í åAåe of the names for the Divine is The Appreciative. You don’t create appreciation through your own will, you receive it into your heart as a gift.
In practice, I’ve noticed that when folks try to value themselves, they tend to either stay very small, taking tiny incremental steps forward, or they get caught in grandiose dreams that soon collapse because they aren’t based in reality.
However, Ü ÄAÄI’ve watched time after time when someone receives honest appreciation they bloom with confidence and clarity, and move forward with bold steps that are organic to who they are.
Sound good? Ready for some appreciation? Well, there is an art to it.
Keys to Honest Appreciation
* They need to be specific to actions or circumstances.
\ VAV”You’re great at what you do!” Not helpful. “What you do” is so non-specific, that there is no way for anyone to get a handle on what you are referring to.
Instead, you want to pick specific actions or circumstances. “When you led class last week…” “When I read the article you just wrote…” “When I received your product in the mail and N H@Hused it for the first time…”
* They need to be specific to effect.
Similarly, appreciating someone as ‘great’ is really just a value judgement. After all, if someone has the power to call you ‘great’ then they also have the power to call you ‘miserable.’ Not helpful.
“When you led class last week, I felt such a sense of relief and excitement.” The effect is the feeling or emotion that came up for the person bringing the appreciation.
* They need to be specific to outcome.
Finally, the appreciation needs to talk about how you see yourself or other î éAés affected.
“When you led class last week, I felt such a sense of relief and excitement, because I learned things I didn’t know, and whole new possibilities for what I’m doing opened up. Also, seeing how you handled that really challenging, skeptical question left me feeling really happy, because I was inspired as to how I could handle similar situations in my own life.”
Notice how powerful th at appreciation is? It’s specific to circumstances, to the immediate effect it had on the person, and to the outcome.
Put together an appreciation club, where you and friends and colleagues can give really specific appreciations to each other when you get the creep-crawly doubts hacking away at your and your business.
*For more information check out Nonviolent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg. You can also check out LaShelle Charde, who has helped me incredibly in understanding and applying this approach. www.wiseheartpdx.org
Time for some appreciation.
2 Responses
I would like to read or listen to this article, but the links don’t work. Can you help me get it? I am in the Heart of Money course right now.
So strange! I just fixed it. You should be able to see it now.