One of the things my wife Holly and I like to do in the evening is to read to each other. Recently, we’ve been reading Patrick O’Brian’s Aubrey/Maturin series, historical novels set around 1800, which follow the career of a captain in the British Royal Navy. Now, there are a number of reasons why the books are wonderful to read, but what I’ve been noticing recently are the elaborate manners and politenesses that helped guide day-to-day living then.
Today, politeness almost has a negative connotation, of being a false veneer, or stiff and formal. Fake. We’ve become so fixated on “speaking our truth,” or “being authentic,” that we’ve lost sight of politeness, in many instances.
What I’ve noticed is that my immediate “truth” is often a voice in my head that is in reaction to some circumstance, and often holds judgement and defensiveness. Just the other day, someone asked me how I had felt about a meeting, and, despite a slight warning from my internal guidance system that I ignored until afterwards, I told him about how certain aspects of the meeting had bothered me.
One of the most important teachings I’ve received from my teachers is not to break any hearts- the Golden Rule.
This meeting had been full of enthusiasm and good will on the part of the participants, and I had had a personal reaction to some surface personality stuff- all my own reactions to work through- no one had done anything wrong. And yet, my “need” to speak ended up being blaming and judgmental.
On the surface, being polite means treating people with respect and care. On the deeper level, as my teacher writes, politeness means: “When you speak, when you walk in the street, when you hear any voice, from anywhere, know this is not the voice of the person, but it is the Voice of God that is speaking.”
On a practical level, manners and the forms of politeness give you a structure to rest into, “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” This does not mean you never say anything strong to anyone. It means that if you are feeling unclear, upset, in reaction, then be polite. Don’t say anything to whom you are reacting, and give yourself time to get clear in your heart about what is really going on.
In terms of results, being judgmental and “truthful” does not get you what you want anyway. It just creates defensiveness on the part of your target.
Once you are clear in your heart, it will become apparent what to say. I didn’t need to say anything about my personal reaction to the meeting. What I did need to do was to approach one person, and ask them if they felt I heard them, and, if not, to listen more clearly to what they were saying. Instead of shutting this person down, I will instead benefit from their experience and knowledge. Which course helps my business more?
Everyone is the Face of God, and the Divine is trying to give to you in everything. Politeness helps you to receive everything you are being given.
