Someone wrote in months ago asking me about this topic, and then, very patiently just wrote in again reminding me that I never really answered.
Her question:
I wrote you a couple of months ago asking for your thoughts on how to keep a business thriving while simultaneously being a caregiver. (My husband has mid-stage Alzheimer’s Disease.)
The caregiving doesn’t take much physical energy on my part at this point, but it does take a lot of psychic energy, which I find drains what I can apply to my business. It’s also, of course, depressing, and it’s sometimes difficult to surmount that.
Oy! I realized the reason I hadn’t responded was because there is no simple answer. I’ve grappled with a similar question myself as a business owner and caregiver.
My wife Holly was sick for ten years. Really sick. Chronically sick with Lyme disease–a debilitating illness that Western medicine has nothing more to offer but REALLY high doses, and an often ineffectual treatment, of antibiotics.
It was a long, long recovery process, one that I never thought would end. Although she still has to be very careful with her diet and her health, she’s now a fully functioning mom of soon-to-be toddlers and keeping up!
Although she didn’t require the level of care taking that I know people with Alzheimer’s need, there were many, many, many times when I was caught up in helping her when she couldn’t help herself.
What Happened?
We had a very small life–no camping, no hiking, no biking, no real adventures, and kids were out of the question during that time.
I was exhausted. I was annoyed. I was frustrated. I was patient. I did my best. I worked really hard to keep money coming in. Even so, early on, when Holly was the sickest, we had to file for medically-induced bankruptcy.
Thankfully, painful experiences fade with time, and so I don’t remember many of the details. I do remember how guilty and sad I would feel doing the few things on my own that I could. Guilty because I knew she would have loved to have been out on her bike, or hiking, or whatever with me. And sad because I didn’t really want to be doing them alone. I married Holly because I wanted to be with her, like, all the time.
It Was a Three-Way Relationship
Although I’m not into non-monogamy (been there, done that, for me waaaaayyyy too much work, too easy to avoid intimacy, and very little payoff), our marriage became a three-way relationship: Mark, Holly, and Lyme Disease.
There were so many times that she tried some new treatment, so many times we thought health was “just around the corner” and wasn’t that eventually I just lost hope. I gave up. I figured, this is our life, I have to accept it. I just couldn’t handle the roller coaster of Hope then Hope Dashed, over and over again.
The Turning Point
Well, I think it’s important to note that the business took a big jump in 2005, then another big jump in 2006. This was about three years after we moved to Portland, Oregon so Holly could be treated by Heiner Freuhauf, a world-renowned master of Chinese medicine whom we met through our Sufi training.
It ended up taking many more approaches then just working with Heiner. There have been so many pieces to my wife’s healing, layers and layers and layers. At one point we were spending about $1000 out of pocket every month for alternative health care. Thank God Heart of Business was doing well enough to sustain those expenses. Over time as her health began to return, I was able to put more time and attention toward the business.
Looking back, I imagine things might have moved more quickly if she and I had been totally healthy and in our prime.
Though, maybe they wouldn’t have. I learned so much, and gained so much patience, perseverance, and insight into healing by accompanying her on her path that I’m thinking Heart of Business wouldn’t be the same without that experience, and perhaps not as successful.
So… How Did I Create a Successful Business in the Midst of All That?
I don’t really know how the hell I did it. Through a lot of help, prayer, and the grace of God. A LOT of prayer. A lot of prayer. Lots of prayer. And I have to admit that a dose of workaholic tendencies to drown the pain helped too.
Oh, and denial. I would go into periods of denial about how sick Holly really was, allowing me to focus on other things instead of worrying and caretaking constantly.
There are no simple answers to handling, to holding a business and a loved one’s ongoing and consuming need for care. I wish there were.
And, we got lucky. Heart of Business has been very successful and continues to grow. Holly got her health back. If neither of those things had happened, we might be deep in debt and still struggling.
My Advice Runs Contrary to the Common Run
Here’s what I would say when faced with running a business and being a primary caretaker for a loved one:
- Don’t be Afraid of Denial
- Denial is a wonderful gift. Actually, in some situations, it can become what Sufis refer to as “compassionate veiling”–a time when God takes something from our awareness and hides it from us for our own good. That hiding can be so soothing, healing, and nourishing. Don’t worry, in a situation like this one, the awareness will come back.
- And when the awareness does come back, you’ll feel scared, and cry, and rage, and all of that. It’s okay. It’s part of it. Oy.
- Pray a Lot–And Then Some
- My spiritual connection really saved my butt. It wasn’t about holiness and pureness and drifting clouds and angels and yadadada…
- Let me tell you, prayer is what worked for me when I was in the depths of doubt and fear and pain and loneliness. When our debt kept climbing, and the next great healing thing that we had just spent I don’t know how much money on didn’t totally work the way we expected.
- To have access to peace and love and rest and comfort in the middle of that, no matter the circumstances, was such a saving grace. I am so deeply grateful for what I’ve learned through the Sufi practices because of the access they’ve given me to the depths of my heart.
- There’s a Sufi saint, Rabi’a of Basra, who came into such deep connection with Oneness that she didn’t want any more than the rock she had for a pillow. Seriously, a rock for a pillow, and she was happy.
- I’ve never celebrated resting my head on a rock, but this whole trip has driven deep the idea that happiness has absolutely nothing to do with outside circumstances and everything to do with my connection to Source.
- Invest in Learning
- Heart of Business was born in the middle of my training in Sufi healing. And after graduating, I continued to spend money on my education, often creating debt, so that we could keep growing the business.
- Holly would often have to beat me over the head to get me to do it. “But, we don’t have the money!” I would argue. “And if you don’t get the help to develop this business, we’re screwed,” she would answer.
- She was always right. Led by prayer and guidance, I got the help. I paid for multiple healing sessions for myself. I took classes. I bought information and books. I read and learned voraciously. And I kept applying it bit by bit.
In the end, there’s no magical solution. But indulging in denial through the compassionate veiling, praying a whole heckuva lot, and continuing to get help both for yourself as a caretaker and for your business development makes a big difference.
If this is your situation, I don’t know how your story will turn out. Heck, I don’t know how my story will turn out. But at the heart of everything, there is always Love available. So don’t give in to despair.
As the Sufis say, “The point is not to drink until your thirst is quenched. The point is to develop the perfect thirst, so that you never stop drinking.” This whole experience has developed an incredible thirst in me for the Love, and I pray that I never lose it.
