“Dad, I don’t want this.” I turned and then quickly reached out my hand to take the half-chewed whatever-it-was from my son Sam. He went running out into the yard as I stared at the glistening wet pile of yuck in my hand.
Well, it’s better than having him spit it out on the floor. Next steps, using the word “please” and maybe actually using the sink instead of my hand.
The next thought I had included some relief. He knows what he wants and what he doesn’t want. That is fantastic. That’s what I want to preserve in him and my other son David as much as possible.
From there I went to thinking about one of the participants in our year-long Opening the Moneyflow program. She’s been working on her website, the page where new subscribers sign up.
Her first attempt at writing the page was really heart-filled and skillful. She was putting into action all of what we taught around empathy and education. The writing was good, it was helpful. And about a third of the way down the page my eyes started to glaze.
She Was Working Too Hard
Her problem? She was over-giving. I told her to cut the page by 1/2 to 1/3. I also said, “You don’t have to work so hard. What you’re offering is beautiful. People will subscribe.”
Over-giving comes from such a beautiful place, most times. A desire to help, to share your gifts, and to make sure the person on the receiving end really gets what they need. Admirable and beautiful.
There’s a dark side to over-giving as well, though. It comes from the need to make sure someone really “gets” you. Or not wanting to lose people. Or some insecurity about whether what you’ve got is good enough. Or, dipping far over into the shadow, wanting to unconsciously put people in your debt so they’ll give back to you. Not so pretty.
If any of those shadows resonate with you, it’s okay. Please be gentle and compassionate with yourself. You’re just trying to get some legitimate needs met. Your heart needs love and acceptance. Your business needs clients and revenue. It’s okay to need those things. You just need to let go of unconscious over-giving as a strategy.
Take a Deep Breath
Slow down. Let your racing heart catch it’s own rhythm. Make space for the nervousness in your belly. Giving more is not going to get you more. In fact, over giving can push people away.
Let’s talk about the two problems with over-giving, then let’s talk about a remedy.
The First Problem with Over-Giving
Over-giving doesn’t honor the relationship. Ever had a new acquaintance give an inappropriately intimate or generous gift? It doesn’t feel good, does it? It feels downright strange.
You have a different relationship with a long-term paying client than you do with a brand new visitor to your website. Don’t think both of them want the same from you. Your long-term client has built up a relationship of trust and connection with you, and so their heart is open to receive more.
The new visitor, not so much. They want a lot less. So give them a lot less- not because you’re holding out on them, but because you’re honoring the relationship.
When someone receives too much they end up overwhelmed. They spit it out, like Sam spit out the food into my hand.
The Second Problem with Over-Giving
You’re working way too hard. When you over-give, it often extends into efforting. There’s the unconscious thought, “What else do I need to add to this to make it okay?” That’s exhausting.
It’s also something the other person can feel. Most people can tell when you’re giving from generosity and ease versus giving from a push.
Giving to someone can take effort, and that’s okay. I put effort into editing our client’s web page. But it wasn’t push. I wasn’t trying to prove or get something. I was showing up in a way that felt right and helpful.
Three Remedies for Over-Giving
The first remedy is to connect with your heart. Ask whether you are 1) giving to prove something, 2) giving to avoid something, 3) giving to get something. If you are, let yourself notice what it is your heart really needs.
At the core of your heart’s need will be a quality, like love or connection or appreciation. You can fill with these from within your heart. Take time to ask in your heart to receive what it needs so you can let go of the shadow side of giving.
The second remedy is to look at the context of the relationship. Is it a new relationship with someone unknown, or a long-term committed relationship with someone who has been around? Take a moment inside to notice what an appropriate level of giving in this relationship would be. Let yourself trust that.
The third remedy is simply to slash and burn. 🙂 What if you gave half of what you’re giving? What if you gave one third of what you’re giving? What would that look like? How would that feel?
Your Turn
Are you getting feedback, from others or from your heart, that you’re over-giving? If you apply the three remedies to your over-giving, what does it look like afterwards?
This could make a HUGE difference in the sustainability and profitability of your business. We can all help each other stop over-giving. Please share what you get in the comments.
p.s. Working Too Hard for Too Little?
Having trouble making your business work while honoring the truth of your heart? Maybe some hands-on help is what’s needed.
Schedule a conversation with one of our star practitioners Jason Stein or Yollana Shore and let them assess where you are and what would be most helpful moving forward.
17 Responses
Yay, Mark! Love this article. It must be a theme in Heart of Business today…
It’s serendipitous timing for me, at least, as today I found myself, on at least three occasions, saying “no” to my own habit of bending-over backwards to clients who I love. No, I can’t give you a session plan that is different to what’s on my website. No I can’t see you at that time that is before or after my usual work day. No I can’t work with you in that way right now as all my slots are filled.
As I stretch myself in these ways, I find myself breathing a sigh of relief. I’m saying no to my own need for approval and popularity. I’m saying yes to being of service in a sustainable way.
The potential client I was speaking too in one of those conversations also felt the difference. She told me “I love clear boundaries! I feel so safe when you express yourself like this. It makes my own decision-making process easier, and I also feel joy for you.”
The more I take steps to assert healthy boundaries around myself and my needs for clarity and nourishment at work, the more space, peace and joy I feel in my heart, and the more space I have to serve my clients more deeply.
This “Not over-giving” combined with “(divinely) Inspired generosity” is a very powerful teaching and practice.
Yollana- Isn’t it amazing that when you respect what’s true for you, it feeds others! So wonderful to have such nourishing connections with clients. I say to myself for the 10000th time how lucky I am to have you on the team here.
Hi Mark! First of all, I love how you delineated btw. the different stages of a relationships and what is appropriate for each stage. Second of all. . .ARE YOU IN MY BRAIN (or tapping my phone)! My best friend and I were just talking about this yesterday and (I kid you not), I told her, I was going to write Mark because:
A. I really trust his approach/opinion on these issues and
B. this would be a perfect article for him to write to his tribe.
Our issue was somewhat similar but had to do with advice giving. What do you do If you know someone is struggling with an issue that you are extremely enthusiastic about, have a ton of wisdom/experience with, and just know you could help…how do you offer your services/advice without overstepping bounds or giving too much or overwhelming with your extreme enthusiasm?
Even better (and more crazy making): What do you do if
A. A client is coming to you for help but is not taking your direction and keeps revisiting the same issue
B. A loved one is revisiting the same issue and their actions, because they are so linked to yours, are putting you in emotional/financial harm.
Personal Ex: My friend’s is remarried and in a blended family. Her new husband will not discipline his children at all. Whether picking up toys to lying. Obviously this is adversely affecting my friend on a all levels and will become even more intense as the kids grow. My friend is a discipline guru. She has read every book on the issue and takes a very compassionate, fair but strong stance when necessary. Her child is amazing as a result. Her husband refuses to take her requests/suggestions. What does she do?
What she is realizing is that this is draining her momentum in life/her energy. I know I’ve experienced this in my business life as well.
Could you address this in the context of the stages of business relationship: New vs. Old? Could you even address personal relationships: partners,husbands, wives, kids? Perhaps you already have written some articles on this. If so, please re-post! Thanks Mark!
Hi Kristen- It’s good to know that my spycams are working… That’s a huge topic you’ve opened, and I don’t know if I can deal with it fairly in the comment of a comment. 🙂 However.
What’s really needed here is honest communication. In the case of the client, the lack of compliance becomes the issue of focus- time to talk about it. They may need coaching/healing around that topic. For friends/family, depends on your relationship, but I always find direct is the best answer “Do you want my help/advice with this?” If no, then you leave it alone. If you are overly enthusiastic about it, you probably need to check in with yourself- what’s your attachment? And… are you SURE you have what they need? Maybe, despite all of your knowledge/experience, you aren’t the person who is supposed to help, if they need help at all…
For your friend in the new marriage, sounds like time for counseling/therapy/support from an outside person. She’s going to have to let go of some of her attachment, and her husband may need to grow some in this area. Either way, they need to find a way to face this head on.
The bottom line is that help given and received needs to be between equals, and needs to be mutually consensual. If anything is out of balance, that needs to be paid attention to. People need love and acceptance first and foremost, before they need any help or support. And no one ever needs to be fixed. 🙂
Does that help?
Yes Mark: That helps a lot. Thanks for the wise reminder. That’s why I asked. This will give us a lot to chew on. Another way of framing this topic is how do you deal graciously, and sustainably with your gifts/expertise etc. . .This comes back to your teachings on sovereignty.
Y’all both ROCK! Ty for the gift
of this thread! – Hil
Hi Mark
Great article. I especially liked the piece where you point out how uncomfortable it can be when someone you hardly know gives you an expensive present. This has happened to me before with a past client – she was constantly giving me small gifts, not expensive gifts, but it just felt so unnecessary and it did feel like she was seeking approval.
There is delicate balance in giving the right amount to new visitors when nurturing that know, like and trust that is so important in the relationship, especially when there is so much conflicting advice from marketing experts!
As you teach Mark, connecting with your own heart, sitting in Remembrance and receiving what is right for each of us, what resonates with us, is the key. We are all on our own path, at different stages and each have different needs right now.
As I sat with my overgiving in one particular area with a friend – coaching her for free because I don’t want to rock the boat, basically afraid of asking for the money – I realise I am looking for her approval.
Thank you for pointing to this Mark, I know what I need to do now 🙂
Sheela- so glad you found clarity in your heart… and yes, it is uncomfortable to get inappropriate gifts. I send love that it all resolves gracefully. 🙂
Hi Mark – so true, you hit the spot, as you always do with your posts. I love your example with your son (had similar sticky “experiences” with my daughter). Must have been a transfer of thoughts, my actual blog post is about being too nice as a business owner. I am a recovered people-pleaser myself and still need to monitor tendencies of being too nice.There are so many benefits of giving too much, that makes it even more difficult to stop: we get lots of rewards/compliments (people love doormats). We WANT to be nice and helpful, we want to work in harmony with everybody and we fear to become a different person if we we change. What helped me a lot, was to see it as a longterm learning process you can’t change overnight (to be patient + gentle with myself), to be aware of my most common pleasing habits and to make it a habit to check if I am really just nice or want to please again.
Jutta- Patience! So key not to try and make sudden changes, but to step into it as it feels good… and I love that we were in synchronicity with our posts. How lovely. 🙂
Gorgeous post and very timely for me Mark.
I’ve been studying my own tendency to over-give in a new program I am currently running for the first time. I’m noticing when the need to impress or please is showing up and it’s pretty insidious stuff. This article is another gentle reminder from the universe that I already add tremendous value, so to be weary of those moments when I feel an urge to “impress”.
It’s interesting because in the online world we always here the saying “under promise/over deliver”–I think this can screw us up a bit–have us asking ourselves “Am I really delivering enough?”
Thank you for sharing your wisdom here today.
Love & Respect–
Jac
Jac- So great to see you here! And glad you are being compassionate with yourself – congrats on your new program. It does take consciousness to make a separation between “under promise/over deliver” which can be a wonderful way to wow clients, with also being conscious of what overgiving looks like for each of us. So grateful to be on the path with you.
Terrific post, Mark. As always.
This is timely for me because this week and next I am working on designing / re-designing a program on Embodying Social & Emotional Intelligence that I have taught a few times now. I have soooooooo much to give and in an effort to be thorough for my clients (and have them like me, or be impressed, or get such great value they tell all their friends, etc etc) I have way overdelivered in the past. This has resulted in overwhelm for them – there’s only so much they can take in – and overwork for me. Not ideal.
I will take your questions with me into the creation of this next iteration of the program, and I look forward to the ease that they have the power to bring. Thank you!
Warmly,
mandy
What a great newsletter. I’m in the middle of a moving my business in a different direction. I did some journaling around what wasn’t working in my old model and one thing that came up was that my blog was really focused on convincing people that I know what I’m talking about. I was hitting my audience with information and not sharing enough of myself.
The new model is about community and working from everyone’s strengths. The flow has been much better. Things are happening easier.
Thanks for the reminder that sometimes less is more.
Take care,
Deanna
Good post. I feel that many people work too hard to please and in the process, end up over-giving clients. I think this is wrong as many client become uncomfortable with excessive attention.
Thanks for this reminder! Awesome post.
Hi Mark, GREAT post…I love the remedies you provide…and useful in business as well as personal relationships. Thanks again for delivering such helpful insights!