How to say no to (seemingly) reasonable requests you don’t want to do

Updated 3/17/21

When you’re new, or your business is really slow, you say “Yes” to everything that comes your way, which is a fine strategy. However, when your business starts to work and you get busier, you must learn to say “No” which is related to getting past overgiving.

The issue isn’t just saying “No.” It’s the ability to say “No” without pissing clients off, or getting into a defensive/combative attitude of self-protection that scares away the business you do have.

The heart-centered way to say, “No way! Uh-uh! I don’t wanna!” Let’s talk about it.

First of all, let’s understand where the defensive, combative, angry “No.” comes from. Three places, generally, although I’m sure there’s more.

First: Built up resentment. You haven’t had a habit of saying no, right? So there’s been a lot of Yeses that probably weren’t really heart-felt Yeses, but more “Okay, I guess I’m supposed to” Yeses. Every one of them adds a little to the resent-o-meter, and that can build up explosive pressure in your latent No.

Second: Lack of practice. You haven’t done it much, especially in these situations, and so you’re unskillful with it. So the No comes out clumsy, too strong.

Third: Lack of examples. If you don’t say No easily, you may not have people in your life who say No, or if you do, you may not like how they do it. When you see videos or movies, you probably hear examples of No that look great on screen, but are not really how you want to lead your life. “Feel lucky, punk? Do ya? Do ya?”

So, as usual for us here at empathy-central, have some gentleness and compassion with your own heart. You want to say No, you don’t have a lot of experience with it, and it’s hard. It’s okay,

Here’s the big news: you’re allowed to be new at this! You’re allowed to do it imperfectly and mess up. You’re allowed to practice. A few awkward “No way!”s will not destroy your business. What’s more, being imperfect for it will mean that you will get better, and it will save your business.

A couple of pointers on saying no

Once you’re clear you want to say No (which is, of course, a whole ‘nother topic), there are few ways to enter into saying No that can really help.

Don’t Say “No,” Say “Yes” More Slowly

This I credit to my friend and mastermind buddy Michael Bungay-Stanier from Boxofcrayons.com. Someone asks you, “Will you do this thing for free?” When you look at the opportunity, it’s not reaching your target market, you’re too busy with other opportunities, and it will take a lot of time, so it’s clearly a “No.” But you’re having trouble getting the “No” out of your mouth.

So, instead, tell them, “Thank you! I’m so honored! Let me think about it and get back to you.” Giving yourself that time will help you either find the ability to say “No.” Or you can give yourself the easy out and schedule something else in the time slot. When you get back to them, “I’m so sorry, I’m already booked! Thank you for asking!”

You did it! You declined without having to say “No.” It’s not the strongest, clearest way to do it, but heck, it worked, and it’s totally okay to work yourself up to it.

Agree with that what they want is a good thing to want, and point them elsewhere for it

Another approach to “No” is to make sure you agree with what they want. Let’s say you’ve paid good money to have some custom graphics made for your business, and someone else really likes them and asks if they can use them for themselves.

Obviously that’s a non-starter – you paid to get that work done, they are part of your business look, it’s not really appropriate to give them away. Yet, if you take a moment to get past your “How could they even think of asking?” response, you can see why they would want to use them, right? They are completely beautiful, anyone in their right mind would want to use them. So tell them that.

“I know, aren’t these images fabulous? I love what our designer came up with, and I’m glad you love them so much, too – it tells me I made the right decision on hiring our graphic designer. I’m sorry you can’t use that image – it’s for our exclusive use. Since you love her style so much, let me you refer you to her, and you can hire her to make your own images for your exclusive use. I bet you’ll love working with her.”

Three parts: agreeing with the desire behind their request, then saying “No” to the request, then giving them an action step to keep going on what they can do.

Don’t explain why

Recently my friend and colleague Paul Zelizer, co-founder of Awarepreneurs said this on Facebook: “Thanks but no thanks. That’s enough. You don’t have to explain your No. Thanks. But. No. Thanks.”

One thing that makes saying “No” really heavy is the belief that you have to explain your reason for your No. Coming up with a reason that sounds reasonable and legitimate in your mind can be a real show-stopper. The truth is that whoever is asking you something and you don’t want to give it, so there is an inherent conflict.

It’s rare that there’s an explanation that will make that conflict go away. Short of, “No, you can’t eat my dinner because it has botulism in it and it will kill you.” Your No is your yes to something else. If you take on Michael’s advice and take your time answering, even if it’s just a few minutes, you can embrace your No, get used to it, and feel it in your heart.

Then you can just simply say “No, thank you for asking.” If someone asks for a reason, you can simply say, “It doesn’t feel right.” or “It’s not in my heart to do it.” Or “I don’t want to.” You have no obligation to process with them or explain yourself to them.

As your business gets busier, you will absolutely need to hone your ability to say “No.” You will be asked all kinds of things that aren’t what your business needs or what you want, and each time you say Yes to something that isn’t right, you lose momentum.

Have compassion for yourself, embrace the No, and keep practicing! The more you do it, the easier and more comfortable it becomes.

Do you have something you need to say No to? How could you apply what I’ve written above and write your own No? I’d love to see.

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