This week Yollana Shore, our Heart of Business practitioner Down Under (near Brisbane, Australia), dives into what’s been coming up for her clients around intimacy and business. You want to be authentically yourself, and yet perhaps there can be too much intimacy?
It’s a short video, and you get to see the beautiful place Yollana lives, which makes me a little jealous. 🙂
How intimate are you, and how is it affecting your relationships with your clients?
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20 Responses
Great question and deeper prompting… Yes, intimacy is a top value and priority to my heart and business life… I make it a point to share my inner-world of thoughts and emotions. Inner thoughts and emotions feel like an inception point of authentic connection for me.
Thanks Laurel… yes, sharing your inner world often does make for authentic connection… and I think it reminds us and others that we are human beings primarily…
In some ways, this is a simple yet radical and world-changing stance… to let it be known and seen that we are human… For example, what are the implications for business, political or military endeavours when we start with the recognition that everyone – on both sides of any transaction – is essentially human with an inner world of thoughts and emotions?
I hope that’s not going too big-picture, but in the face of world issues lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the small things that are making the big difference…
Such a great discussion! This week I have been really aware of the intimacy issues surrounding my team. I’ve become aware that I am holding my business back by not fully connecting to the other practitioners in my practice. I have kept them at arms length out of a sense of needing to be “professional” and “in charge.” And by not trusting that I know how to intimately relate to people who work for me while still being their boss. Its been a cool week or two of being open to those connections. I appreciate your thoughts on the topic as it is very timely. Hope Mark and you all are doing well!
“knowing how to intimately relate to people who work for me while still being their boss.” …That sounds like an area of rich learning, Meggie. Have you discovered any key principles along the way?
I have gotten into some confused relationships between intimacy and empathy. In the context of my work as a mentor/counselor, I am wary of sharing too much detail of my life. There is a power dynamic at work that makes what I share different then if I share the very same thing with my wife.
The mutuality of the relationship is different as are the needs.
However, when empathy is expressed it can feel just like intimacy- therefore the confusion. Boundaries are discerned so quickly and I find not saying or doing the first thing that comes to me the best, but to let the nature of the relationship reveal itself.
In this way it does seem safety is of the utmost importance. For me and the person I am with. Good topic.
Yes, thanks for naming this Barry.
In all cases, but especially therapeutic contexts when folks are literally opening those vulnerable inner parts of themselves that may be confused around connection, their current versus early needs for it, and the best / most healthy sources of it in their life now… creating safety with good boundaries is so important. (I also learned this the hard way and am thankful I have a lot more awareness in this area now…)
“Boundaries are discerned so quickly and I find not saying or doing the first thing that comes to me the best, but to let the nature of the relationship reveal itself.”
To me, this sentence speaks to something very beautiful and profound that happens within a safe container, when a certain kind of space is allowed…
And it occurs to me that perhaps you are speaking of something that is like a divine intimacy… when two people in any relationship (including professional) have the space to each feel that sense of connection with Life itself, that fills them up from the inside, rather than seeking to be filled up from each other.
Really interesting topic, isn’t it?
Great video, Yollana, and interesting comments so far. Especially the one that explores the line between empathy and intimacy. I think for me it’s multi-faceted. Transparency is a big part: Saying what’s true instead of what I think I should say or what I think people want to hear. When I do this, safety and intimacy seem to be byproducts.
Right on, Sue. Its amazing how others can relax and feel safe to connect they sense that you are being straight with them, isn’t it?
info and very interesting article , just hope useful shop . thank you.
Really beautiful video (and discussion around it). Thank you, Yollana.
This has definitely been an area of conscious attention and exploration for me, in my work as a Doctor of Oriental Medicine.
My primary mentor in medicine is outstanding but is very, very different from me in his style of patient-practitioner interaction. His boundaries at clinic are often like sharp edges. But he does this in a highly effective way–saying very little and offering very few obvious gestures of empathy or compassion…yet being very precise, clear, honest and effective in what he does. Complicating this picture (in a good way), he is extremely present, compassionate and caring underneath that sharp exterior, and at a sensed level (more than through words), this comes through–perhaps through the way he deeply listens to and observes his patients. Also, when he DOES say something kind or compassionate or soft, he places it artfully into the interaction and it carries great weight (way more, I suspect, than if he used such language all the time).
My own style (and personality) is far more yin (compared to his yang). Being okay with this took some time, because I see this mentor as my teacher and aspire to be like him in many ways. I like to think the thing we share is authenticity and the capacity to deeply listen and be really present. Also, we are both quiet and choose our words carefully.
As I (continually) develop my own way of being in relationship with patients, I often think in terms of yin-yang. There’s a yin part of me that I’ve allowed myself to express in a way my mentor does not. It is receptive, gentle, quiet, nurturing, compassionate, intimate. But too much of this feels sticky, uncomfortable and most definitely detrimental to treatment outcomes. There needs to be some yang in there for balance…some level of authoritative, directed guidance and even a bit of “edge.”
My mentor has his own artful yin-yang balance–and it works beautifully. But my balance is different than his (and is also different from that of my husband and business partner, who is more yang, with his own beautifully effective style).
Where it gets messy for me (i.e., where I’m continuously working) is getting clear on what’s coming from this more objective understanding…and what’s coming from personal fears or areas of work as I continuously develop my own yin-yang balance in clinic.
Two big areas intertwine: On the one hand, it’s directly related to how I see practice and treatment as being most effective for the patient. On the other, more personal level, I have an aversion to entanglement and stickiness and a fear of intimacy….along with a fear that this will mean less space and more stuffiness (as in, feeling cramped, surrounded, claustrophobic). (Interesting that I’ve developed a yin style…rather than swinging further towards yang, which would seem more likely in view of these personal fears and aversions.) My own aversions and fears are heightened by the fact that many of my patients know me from yoga class, where I engage in meditative, spiritual practice…and where I’ve had to draw very clear boundaries with patients and prospective patients (with much more yang edge than I use at clinic).
Sorting out “what’s coming from” what is important (for me, but also for my patients and for the sake of effective medicine), and I’m working on getting greater clarity here. My mentor put it this way: “You need to figure out what’s your sh*t and what’s your patient’s shi*t…and keep the piles separate.” I don’t think it’s quite that simple or straightforward (as messy and complex as we humans are), but the image and idea has been a useful tool.
Thank you for sharing this, Dana. I think the most important thing is to be awake to the question – what is right for me and my business? Then the answer will evolve with you… And it is clear from your post that you are most certainly doing that!
And – yes – when you have a strong mentor in your life, whom you might admire and imitate – in a good way – there is always the challenge of figuring out how much to be and do exactly like them, and how much to let what you learn be shaped by your own style.
I guess my own experience of that is that there isn’t any fancy formula – it’s just an organic process that takes time… and it’s a precious, sacred process too… A new generation of “the work” is being brewed in you…
I’m loving this conversation. To me, intimacy is actually a business model that’s all about working with a smaller number of people for a longer time and really going deep. My business is me and I’m a huge part of what clients are actually buying. For me, part of showing up authentically involves intimacy.
Yollana’s description of a divine intimacy really resonates with me. I also appreciate the importance of boundaries (lessons learned the hard way long ago). I believe that boundaries actually help create intimacy, or at least the safety around it.
I love to play with words and intimacy is Into Me I See. It’s just revealing myself in the spirit of service and by doing so, I give my client the permission and space to do so as well.
I come from academia, where it’s more about keeping professional distance. I was often criticized for the closeness of relationships I developed with students, even though this just felt “right” to me and my students got more out of our work together. It’s so much more fulfilling for me to be doing work where I can engage in intimacy-deep, authentic connection. And so rewarding to witness what’s possible when we allow ourselves to be intimate with another.
Lovely Julia!
I’m interested in how y’all apply this not just to your practice / work with existing clients, but to your marketing…. how intimate are you with your wider tribe / with people you don’t yet know?
How does your “right level” of intimacy inside your business translate to the language on your website, blog, videos or social media – where you are reaching out to new folks?
This conversation really has me thinking more… I’m finding myself stopping short of sharing what is behind the words I choose often. Case in point: Ever since I’ve begun living my life from the heart, I tear up very easily for happy moments. This has been leaving me feeling embarrassed and yet I find myself turning my head in embarrassment instead of just sharing, “!ow, I’m so delighted at this! You know its funny, ever since I’ve working on sharing my authenticity with others, I started tearing up over ever happy moment. Wonder how long it will last, or if it is a new gift?!” That is the emotional component beneath the tearing up. What keeps me from sharing on that level? Interesting! Perhaps I’m missing moments of relating on deeper more authentic levels? Or, if my honesty were to make someone uncomfortable, is that a “negative”? Fun exploration! Thank you for continuing the conversation everyone, and to Yollana for posing this powerful inquiry!
Thanks for sharing that, Laurel. Your exploration resonates somewhat with an experience I’ve been having recently.
When working with teen girls who show up before me in great anguish and pain and confusion (often after being mistreated by a parent or a boy or other girls or the world), my Heart feels for them so strongly that I find myself tearing up.
This has happened occasionally in the past with other patients (not always teen girls, but often women), but seems to be happening more lately. This “tearing up bit” is–for me personally–very unusual (i tend to “save” that sort of expression for myself and my partner). I suspect this new development is partly because of shifts in my perspective as i get older (just turned 40)…and partly because of the work I’ve been doing with HoB. I still feel unsteady with it in clinic…not knowing how much to show.
Thanks Laurel… Me too! (tearing at happy moments). And it is such a gift – at least to me… I love that feeling! I guess in the end there’s only one way to find out how that will land with people…. I’ll be interested to hear how you go with this exploration!
And, Dana… Me too again! I also tear up when my clients or friends are brave enough to expose the depth of their journey to me. I am comfortable with this and usually I am holding such a strong heart-space and am so clear in that, that it doesn’t bother the other person either. If it did, I guess I would just say to them… “I am so touched by what you are sharing / by your courage… Thank you… Keep going.”
I guess as you get more comfortable with it in yourself, that will be organically communicated to others?
Yollana, what a great point about being conscious about the degree of intimacy that’s right for our business. I hadn’t quite framed it that way, but some time ago decided to (or it just naturally happened) ask each person who bought one of my books, ‘how did you hear about it?’ I do the same with new sign-ups to my newsletter. Some people respond immediately (the client’s side of the intimacy), & some useful short exchanges have been the result. Others never reply & that’s end of story. Contained friendliness I guess you could call this approach, & it works well for me. thank you for raising my awareness about this. PS The video is visually beautiful; love seeing you in your natural environment.
The problem I face as an American living in China is that the personal growth and development business I’m trying to build comes up against a lot of walls, emotional walls.
Chinese people are not accustomed to sharing their deepest feelings, not even to their family members or their spouses, so why would they share their fears and anxiety with someone like me?
Despite this, I know that what I’m trying to do is badly needed in this country, so I must fight on and become less intimate so I don’t appear too pushy with them.
Good luck everyone!
Karl, I found the same problem living and working in Germany! They are very reserved people and I have embarrassed myself a couple of times by overstepping the mark. The language barrier doesn’t help either.
Yollana, can you tell me what camera you used to shoot the video please? I have been doing some vlogging posts recently and the audio hasn’t been great from my smartphone. Thanks 🙂