Updated 3/3/21
Some time ago I was leading another 24 hour Virtual Retreat in our Community, which I’ve done 6 times a year almost continuously since 2005.
During one of the calls someone asked a question, and, uncharacteristically, I brought up the topic of “playing big.” If you know me, I tend to avoid that kind of language, and even that kind of thinking, because of how disconnected it often is from a reality grounded in service.
Often, a concept like “playing big” untethers you from what’s real, and sends you off into illusion and fantasy.
However, there’s a powerful teaching under the concept of “playing big” that is incredibly useful and healing. And, I learned it when I realized that I was consistently collapsing into tears in an unnecessary way.
When I was little I used to cry a lot, I was a really sensitive little boy, and I endured a lot of teasing because of it. Eventually, through the glories of punk rock, I was able to steel myself and stop crying… to the point where it took several years during my 20s to learn how to cry again.
Later, as an entrepreneur, I found myself often falling into fear. I had Sufi healing practices to help move through that fear, but it kept happening. Then, the big insight.
That week I was scared about the typical things: not making enough money that month, not having things work out somehow. But then, in Remembrance, I realized something.
I wasn’t scared, I was angry
And I didn’t know it because up until then it felt a lot safer for me to be scared rather than angry.
But the truth was that I *was* angry. Angry that it wasn’t working the way I wanted it to. I was angry… lots of stories about why I was angry, but under the anger was real power, and connected to what you might call “fierce love” that was beyond anger. So, so healing, and powerful.
I can’t honestly say that there was some miracle breakthrough in that moment that led immediately to a gazillion dollars of business. But what it did do was help me access more of my authentic power, based in love, and enabled me to show up more powerfully in the world. This, of course, supported Heart of Business to continue to grow and develop in amazing ways.
This isn’t about your anger, or about “playing big.”
I’m not advocating for you to get angry instead of scared any more than I want you to “play big.” That was my own particular path, and the details of each person’s path matter, a lot.
But what I want to have us look at is the concept of polarity.
The metaphor for polarity can touch directly into Robert Frost’s poem, The Road Not Taken. And, similarly, I was really moved by contemporary poet, teacher and coach Ann Betz’s poem I wasn’t one of those kids. There are moments in our life when we may not even realize a path has split into two, that we’ve chosen one road, thinking that’s the only road there is. I kept following the road of “fear” not realizing there was a choice.
Note: Polarity isn’t the only answer
There is never just one thing that is always the answer. However, if you seem to get caught in the same emotional patterns in your business, there may be a polarity working here. You may benefit from getting support from a practitioner.
Then again, you may be able to access the polarity simply by sitting with the “usual” choice and seeing if there *is* a choice. Does this article resonate strongly with you?
If what I am saying here does resonate with you, try this:
– Take time to feel the usual reaction in your heart, making space, not trying to fix it or get past it.
– Start the Remembrance or other heart-accessing spiritual practice.
– Ask to be shown, willing to be surprised, is there a polarity in action here? Is there another choice? Is there an emotion or direction that is available to you that you haven’t been choosing?
– If so, lean into that new direction and just see what happens.
Depending on your heart, this could be a 5-10 minute exercise, or it might be a deeper healing. Whichever it is, don’t judge. Give yourself compassion and gentleness (or fierceness, or whatever your heart is needed), and let it unfold.
What happened for our retreatant
She saw was that she was carrying the business with a lot of heaviness and seriousness, and the polarity for her was choosing lightness. She saw that her business and what she did with clients could have the energy of a party! I felt such an openness hearing her say that. I could hear it in her voice, and she felt lighter, too.
She had already studied with us some, learning about marketing and business, and she’d had some success with it, but not as much as she was really wanting. Choosing lightness instead of heaviness for her was the polarity, and could potentially shake up her stuck patterns more than any processing, healing, or more marketing strategy could.
“Playing big” often is a vague label, which isn’t as useful as getting really clear about reversing a specific polarity in your relationship.
Your turn.
What did you get when you felt into whether there’s a polarity for you? I’d love to hear if this resonates with you!
With love and appreciation,
Mark Silver, M.Div.
Heart of Business, Inc.
Every act of business can be an act of love.
P.S. Our Learning Community is open for new members
Sometimes choosing the path of the heart in business *is* scary, and not always obvious. What if you could learn about the terrain of heart-centered business, how it works, as well as how to navigate your business with your heart?
And what if you could do it for a price that wasn’t the least bit scary or anger-inducing?
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19 Responses
What is the polarity of my fear? First answer that came to me: stop clinging to security and allow some reckless abandon in my life.
Iris- I love it! How does that feel?
A bit scary – but sooo liberating!
Great article. Simple and profound.
I’m realizing that I can carry the attitude
of lightness around money. Makes
me wonder if I have permission
to do so. This feels rich!
Laurel- yay to “rich” and yes to “lightness”!
Hi Mark!
Thank you for this beautiful article. I have also found that anger can be a useful “transitional” energy when I’m feeling really stuck in either fear or sadness, my two most usual polarities. I wonder if it’s because when I’m feeling fear or sadness I’m directing energy toward myself in an aggressive way, and the anger is a release valve that can transform the energy into the fierce love you’re talking about. Thanks again!
Mora- so interesting, and I love that you are clear about your polarities and the usefulness of anger. Fierce love, indeed!
“I kept following the road of ‘fear’ not realizing there was a choice.”
Sometimes I wish that road had big “DANGER, BRIDGE OUT!” signs around it to help people steer clear. 🙂
I see this so often with my clients – and it’s easy for me to see it because I’ve been there, too. I like the exploration of polarity, though. I can be hard-charging with myself and believe (too confidently) that I can “make” something work. Sometimes “bigness” is exactly what I DON’T need, and charging ahead with my “typical” reaction (even if it’s usually empowering) won’t work. Sometimes I need to heed the fear… which is probably why the road has no signs.
Dang it all. 🙂
Lisa- Dang it all, indeed. More road signs on the path, that’s what we need. 🙂
I appreciate your article, and yes it resonates with me. I’ve had a similar experience. Last fall I was practicing (I still am) paying attention to my internal conversation before I get out of bed in the morning. The practice is to notice what ever my internal conversation is and not try to fix it. I was surprised with how much anger there was in my internal conversation. In fact, some of my first internal conversations were violent. I had thoughts of causing harm to people, although no one in particular. I allowed myself to gently rest into the anger, just let it be. The next thing I noticed was a sense of sadness. Then tears began to flow. I let myself rest into the sadness, nothing to fix. The next thing that I noticed was love, and more tears.
Later that morning I had a small group to lead of four women. Three of them in their twenties. At one point I noticed how profoundly I loved each one of them. In the past I wouldn’t have said anything out of concern that they might misunderstand me. This time was different. I paused for a moment and looked at each one of them and then shared, “I want to thank you for being here and let you know that I love each one of you.” All four women smiled and in unison stated, “We know you do!” Three of them had tears in their eyes. I then shared, “And you know what type of love I am referring to?” They all shared, “Yes, we totally understand.”
Thanks again for sharing your experience through this article.
Chuck- I’m so glad it resonated for you- and I’m grateful you explained your practice of walking through the self-talk. And beautiful description of courage with love. Gratitude to you for the shared experience here. Whoosh!
Chuck, your story brought tears of joy to my eyes. Thank you.
The polarity to my fear of intimacy that came was trust and connection. I really struggled with whether to opt in for partnering in the Heart of Business course coming up. After a few weeks of sitting with my Heart, I felt a tender “stretch” and the message that this venue could be a safe place for me to learn how to more deeply connect when I am afraid and not trusting. It feels more open and not yet at all comfortable.
Linda- I’m celebrating that you took the time to really listen, and didn’t push yourself one way or another. My prayer, and our intention, is that this is such a safe place for that kind of stretching. I’m sure it won’t be perfect, but it will most likely be nourishing. Deep gratitude.
It’s a good one Mark! One of my teachers talked about this…when we weren’t allowed or encouraged to feel our anger, we “moved” that energy into crying, because that was a safer choice back then. And NOW we can be authentic about what we are truly feeling 🙂
And yes, I have also experienced the power that lies underneath the anger. I felt like I grew from the inside 🙂
Gayane- so true, eh? Thank you for this- so great to see so many people resonating with this same polarity. Yes to power! 🙂
So, this is ironic. This morning in prayer I was sitting with a lot of anger I’ve been feeling, and realized that it was hiding fear, intense and important fear. Just the opposite of your encounter with your fear. 😉
Leslie- hah! My psychic video cams are working, evidently. 😉 Thanks for speaking this- I especially love to see this validation of the other direction, because it’s the dynamic, not the content of the dynamic, that is important here. You rock.
I feel a bit like this about “playing big”.
The pressure might not help much.
I might need a different game to jump into, entirely.
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