Throughout 2008 we had an interesting, uh, adventure in hiring, before we found our infrastructure queen, Kate Williams. Kate is blogging the Insider View, as previously self-employed, and now working with us. I expect that she’s going to embarrass the crumb out of me. The intention, however, is to be as transparent in our business as possible, so you can learn what really works (and what really doesn’t.)
Here’s the introduction to this series, including a list of all Insider View posts. Enjoy. Learn. Comment.
The Unknown Buildup
It was just intended to be another random check-in. However . . .
I went into the conversation emotionally tight, expecting to feel and see (we video conference with iChat), yet again, Mark’s exhaustion, impatience, and seeming unavailability. Going in, I was weary from a felt lack of connection–consistent, reliable connection. Weary from sporadic, unpredictable email responses and returned phone calls. Weary from steeling myself from my needs as an employee, a co-creator in the business.
Mark is not a mind reader. He’s worrying and attending to more pressing issues. In fact, right in front of me Samuel begins to cry on Mark’s lap because his diaper is wet and leaking. In between, we do our best to solve little fires like website issues, client needs, and filling the Opening the Moneyflow course.
I get tighter, feeling even more like something to deal with and cross off the list.
Torn between our agreed expectation to share and communicate openly with integrity and my not wanting to need something from someone who himself is spent, I drift farther from the conversation and deeper into the unspoken problem. “I’m needing more support to do my job well; I should be able to take care of it all myself; but wait, this business requires intimate cooperation; yeah, but this is only temporary, let it go; but what about . . . ” Who’s steering this vessel!
Yikes!, Hanging up, running, hiding . . . they all sound like good options in that moment. Oh, but to my horror and relief, my better self jumps in, grabs the wheel, and makes a bumbling attempt to say what is going on. Ugh.
“Hey, I need some attention out here. I miss your involvement. How ’bout a little feedback or explanation? I need someone to play with here.”
Mark immediately showed up, confirming over and over again that if I bring something to his attention, however controversial or challenging, he becomes humbly and authentically present. In this way he is heroically reliable, consistent, and predictable.
The tension broke. The connection happened. Tears dropped, and empathy defined the moment . . .
So Whose Lesson Is This?
Although my heart had reopened, we really hadn’t done anything to shift our rudderless story–that we are doomed to helpless chaos only to be repaired once Mark and Holly complete their adoption and get back to Dodge. We’ve had 51 days to develop a solid makeshift container for the business and, with the help of this story, haven’t.
The lesson is not about employees needing to speak up, even though that’s critical to building trust within a team. The lesson is not about employers needing to be mind readers for their employees.
The lesson is about leadership, it’s about knowing how and when to use it under stress. That’s everyone’s business, but don’t mistake that foremost, this lesson lands squarely in your lap as the owner. In extraordinary conditions like this, you’ll always be first up to bat.
It’s Your Responsibility to Hold the Space
You don’t need to have all the answers. You don’t need to tell your employees what to do. You don’t even have to know how to fix the problem or make it right. Good employees crave independence, responsibility, and even opportunities to lead. But that doesn’t mean you can suddenly take an extended vacation–unless you want your employee to disappear, also.
You must show up in your sovereignty, even if it’s to clearly and thoroughly transfer specific responsibilities to an employee. Even if it is to say something like, “this needs to happen, and I don’t know how to make it happen, do you have any ideas.” Any way you slice it, you have to show up.
• It is your responsibility to be the business’s touchstone and compass.
Even if you can’t be fully present for an extended period of time, you must quickly do what is needed to ensure that your employees have the authorization and tools they need to manage the business in your absence.
Mark left home before he could train me to burn CDs (we had a products promo scheduled to launch in a few weeks). On the fly, he had to send me software and walk me through the process by phone and email.
Consider brainstorming regularly as a team about the best ways to handle unexpected problem situations.
• It’s your responsibility to bring order or structure to a chaotic situation.
You are the one that holds the biggest picture in your business. Check in with that picture, share it, hand out copies of it if you need to, but make sure that your presence, however minimal, is as dependable and consistent as possible. At the very least, don’t commit to something you may not be able to follow through on. And if you can’t follow through, don’t leave before you’re certain that your employee understands the consequences and can and will follow through in your absence.
Several weeks into the adoption and business juggle, Mark began forgetting to respond to my RESPOND emails. I suddenly lost footing not being able to remember what he’d responded to and what he hadn’t. Although I wanted him to be able to hold up his end, he couldn’t. What Mark did do, however, was suggest that I make a not in our content management system, Highrise, in case he did overlook an email.
• It is your responsibility to empower your employees to lead where needed and where they can.
Encourage their independence and creative problem-solving ability, their entrepreneurial spirit. Allow enough room for them to claim ownership over the aspects of your business that they care for and help develop. When you do need support, you’ll be more likely to really lean into it.
As director of retail operations at the National College of Natural Medicine, I gladly hired an assistant who knew more about product presentation and bookstore displays then I did. I had put a couple of years of sweat and blood into improving the bookstore and was more than a little invested. Yet it was much more important to let go when I had a colleague who was hungry for creative authority. I gratefully focused on our budget, inventory, and my many meetings–checking in with her regularly but with hands (mostly :)) off. She made incredible changes and additions. Nora became the store’s manager after I left and continues to improve it on all levels.
In a healthy working team of creative individuals, leadership must come from everyone. Employee and employer roles can become interchangeable in the heat of doing, making, giving, and growing. Strong foundational leadership from you as the owner allows for that dynamic, independent creativity within your business. Now that’s grounds for serious momentum!
5 Responses
Mark,
A few thoughts on the article I just read. I wish we knew each other and had enough of a relationship to discuss my feedback. In spite of that, I will give it my best shot.
Reading through the article I noticed a lot of “need” language and “want” language. Both of these words are highly inflammatory. Whether used in our internal dialogue or public dialogue such language will produce an out of control environment and an out of control life. There is alternative language that is more productive, calming and effective.
First, the language of need is a flight or fight word. It’s origins have to do with life or death situations. For example, “you need to get out of the way of the train.” The fact is, if you don’t get out of the way of the train you will die. Also, in environments of war we are frequently faced with life and death situations. There is a lot that needs to be done in war or we will die.
Unfortunately the language of need has spilled over into our daily life and especially the business, sales and marketing environment. The language of need encourages out of control behavior. Of course, often in a sales environment there is a desire to encourage people not to think for themselves and let the sales person do the thinking for them. Thus a lot of inflammatory, need and wanting language. But it is not sustainable.
The word “want” is also highly inflammatory and as such will encourage an out of control environment. It’s origins have to do with the name of a wild and frenzied hunt. It was called a want. When people went on a want there was no direction. It was wild and frenzied. People who want never have enough. It language that encourages a lot of consumption. Think about it. Pay attention to people who’s language environment is filled with wanting. They never have enough, are never satisfied and generally lack direction in life.
Both need language and want language are not sustainable. In the story above the reality is that no one was going to die.
There are alternatives that produce calmness, productivity and effectiveness. And it’s important that the alternatives begin with our internal dialogue.
Rather than talk of needs: Dialogue about preferences, objectives or ask questions based on what’s best for all concerned. I like to remind myself that
1. “there is no danger just discomfort,
2. I will not limit discomforts. Average people are always discomforted in these situations. My discomforts will not stop me from being a difference maker!”
3. I is the difference I make that matters most to me, not the difference this event makes to me. I will make the sustainable differences I can, not the differences I want.”
Often we fall into need language because we don’t think we can bare what ever the experience is. So yes, acknowledge our discomfort. And remind our self that any other average human being would also be uncomfortable in a similar situation. Your story above is one that I think most anyone would find highly uncomfortable. However, we are not going to die from these particular circumstances. And one of the issues is that we are creating intentions from language that is telling our body that we are going to die.
Let go of wants: We can not always get what we want, but we can always make a difference. No matter how bad the circumstances we can always make a difference. The difference we can make might be as small as taking a moment to listen. However, every small difference we make is more productive than having wants drive our life. Victor Frankel’s experience in WWII is a good example of making a difference in the most extreme circumstances. No one can take away our power to make a difference.
I also remind myself that
4. “there is no right-wrong or fear-anger, just correct-incorrect, helpful and non-helpful, kind and unkind, and issues and strategy.
5. I will be Group-minded not Self-minded”
In other words, when will lapse into danger language we often resort of thinking of only ourselves. We are trying to survive.
Remember, we are not truly on the battle field. The language of being group minded and asking life what’s best will open our life to intuitive/spiritual ideas that will move our life and projects forward in a more productive, meaningful and effective manner.
Of course, this all takes practice and skill building.
Anyway, this is my two-cents worth. Not sure it will be helpful as there is a lot of background information that I am not providing. The thought just came to me after reading your experience to share.
By the way, personally, if I had everything going on that you have going on I would find it highly uncomfortable at times.
With appreciation,
Chuck
PS. Hope we have the opportunity to meet someday. I appreciate your spiritual approach to business and read most all of your ezine articles.
Chuck Craytor
PS. I’ve notices several types in my last comment. Don’t see anyway to edit. Hopefully the typos don’t contribute to confusion.
Kate:
You’ve done it again! You have a masterful way of relating your experiences – especially the meanderings of your mind before (out of somewhere) you were able to put words on what was true for you to clue Mark in.
I especially liked how you were able to acknowledge that Mark is not a mindreader. Mark, I applaud you for being able to show up so fully in the middle of everything that is going on with you and your family. That was a priceless description of what makes HOB unique in my mind.
The other thing I really liked about this article was how Kate stressed that you don’t need to solve it or even describe things that you don’t yet have words for – just by putting something out there that needs attention, you’re showing up and making it possible for someone else to have a clue of what’s going on.
Then, together you can make a path through the issue.
Kate, you made a pathway so that Mark could see there was an issue in the first place – these issues don’t get solved on their own.
Then, the two of you worked it through – such an awesome example of how your team works together for everyone’s well being.
Happy Healthy New Year to each of you!
A client recently asked me for guidance in beginning work with her first virtual assistant. The best advice I could offer was: communicate, communicate, communicate. By which I meant: interact often, share a lot of information, be as clear and complete as you can, and don’t shy away from the difficult conversations.
But this post reminded me that there’s more to it than that. Beyond getting to know this new person you’ve brought into your business and familiarizing him or her with your work, there is adapting to a new role. How you see that role and how well you make that shift can have as much or more influence on your ability to show up in ways that are effective as your actual communication skills.
Great insights Kate!
Cairene
Kate–thanks for pointing me in this direction on Twitter, I loved reading what you had to say here!
Your header about being the “business