There is a project in your business, perhaps several, that you *know* will help you move forward if you would just do it.
But you aren’t. You keep avoiding it, are somehow always too busy, or it just feels too overwhelming to get to it.
What’s needed, and how do you move forward without hurting yourself or your spirit?
You thought that healing or processing yourself would work.
You used some technique, modality, or practitioner and worked through whatever seemed to be stopping you on your project, the fear, or scarcity mentality, or resentment, or whatever it was. You feel great!
BUT… a day, a week, a month goes by, and you still haven’t completed that project. What’s worse, the feelings are still there. You’re back at zero. And it’s not the first time you’ve gone through this.
Didn’t the healing work at all? It’s so disheartening to work the same dynamic over and over again. What’s wrong?
There is a problem, and it’s with your expectations. Because…
You will never heal
Didn’t expect me to say that, didja?
Let me explain. Our humanity, our egos, are with us until we die. All of the beauty, and messiness, in our personalities, are what we live with.
I’ve been in a mastermind group for years now. The same six people looking at each other all the time means we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well.
Each of us have our patterns that we run. In the early years of the mastermind, my pattern was visible and active. Over time it has softened, but I can’t say it’s gone.
What *has* changed is my ability to recognize when the pattern is running, and to engage in self-care sooner and more effectively.
I still get scared. I still get angry. I still get upset. I no longer stay that way for days, or weeks. And I move through (most of) my projects with ever-increasing easing efficiency.
Build your dynamic into your project
Since it’s not going away, here’s what you do.
I have a client who is brilliant at creating content. She does it a lot and often and very effectively. Yet, despite many promises, she still hadn’t finished her new website.
A deeply healing conversation with her revealed the fear that was there. We identified what soothed the fear and allowed her to move on.
“But this is the same as it was before! Why hasn’t it gone away yet?”
Bringing in the awareness that our patterns just are, I suggested she build it into the project.
Before, the project looked something like this:
- Write content.
- Edit content.
- Design look/feel of website (she has this skill)
- Implement it all. (She has this skill, too.)
With this awareness, the project now looks something like this:
- Ask friends for availability for emotional support over the next two weeks of this project.
- Tell partner of fear and vulnerability, and ask for additional hugs and support over next two weeks.
- Schedule self-care walks, tea, massage.
- Write content, reaching out for support from friends/partner as needed.
- Edit content, reaching out for support from friends/partner as needed.
- Design look/feel of website, reaching out for support from friends/partner as needed.
- Implement it all, reaching out for support from friends/partner as needed.
You *can* heal.
There are issues that I had when I was younger that are just gone, I can’t even remember what they were exactly. Other issues that are just shadowy echoes that take very little attention.
However, it’s rare to have a reaction pattern disappear all at once. Usually they get worn down over time through repeated cycles of awareness, compassion, self-care, and healing.
And before you send me an email with a counter-example- yes, I’ve seen those and experienced them. From Sufi healing to EFT to who-knows-what. Sometimes it works like, and it’s a wonderful miracle when it does. Sometimes not.
Yes, be hopeful and expectant of healing. In the meantime, build self-care and awareness for your pattern into your projects.
Do you have a project you’re avoiding? How would you build self-care into the project so that you can compassionately and effectively move through it? What does your heart need?
Ready for some help?
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With love and appreciation,
Mark
16 Responses
My son spent 25 months in a wilderness camp for boys with emotional problems. At first, it was incredibly difficult for all of us – he needed to acclimate to camp, we needed to learn to live without him at home, and create a safe space for his eventual return. While there, he learned new coping skills as well as life skills – like wood carving, carpentry & basic construction.
The average camp stay was about 18 months, so of course, I was chomping at the bit for him to get home as we approached that milestone. But it was clear, he still needed time to heal, to recover, to step more fully into himself.
Once he graduated, we were reminded that he’s not “fixed” and we shouldn’t expect him to stay consistent in his new behaviors without continual support. Like sanding down the rough edges on one of his wood carvings, it’s a process that takes time. If you just whack off an edge, you create a new one that still needs time and attention to smooth out.
The funny thing about healing is that it’s a two-way street. Often times, in working on ourselves, and giving ourselves space and time to heal, we create a ripple effect with those around us… giving them encouragement, space, and a model to heal themselves.
We took our son to camp thinking it would help him, and ultimately realized that it was as much for our own healing as it was for his.
That’s an amazing story, Lisa- thank you so much for sharing it here. Healing is such a mystery… so beautiful.
Mark,
As the ancient sages said, when the student is ready the blog post will appear.
This is just what I needed to read today.
When I have a project to do that intimidates me, I am capable of breaking it down into small tasks to put on my to-do list so I can accomplish a single task in one day.
However, even that is often too much because it glosses over the scariness when it is simply listed as one among many tasks. It tends to be the task that doesn’t get touched.
I need to recognize that it is scary and allow more time and space around it so I can have more self-care around that single task.
-d
Diana- such an amazing practice, isn’t it, just making space and seeing what’s true and caring for it?
Thank you so much for this insight, Mark. I had no idea just how common this experience is, thinking I was the only one. So, I’d head straight to the healing and then straight into ‘just get this done like a normal person’ (yeah- a very supportive thought!). An ongoing health issue has changed how I have to work and yes, I have become softer towards myself, but that sentiment was still there. Your beautiful post helps me feel like a ‘normal person’ now, and how to really work with how my fears and reactivities operate within me in a loving and kind way (and still get stuff done).
Tears in my eyes. Thank you x
Cristy- it is so normal! I’m so glad you found this reflection here. We’re all holding hands and climbing…
Hi Cristy,
I just wanted to say that I can SO relate to your pattern around “heal and self-nurture” mode followed by “productive-mode”. So neat to hear someone else has that! 🙂
It’s interesting because I also had a health crisis a few years back and found that I think that made me more acutely sensitive to my body’s needs when I’m in that masculine “work-mode.” Perhaps we feel the need to balance ourselves back out by retreating into that more feminine, self-loving place.
I’m curious, do you find that you sort of cycle through the two states often? I definitely do at least monthly if not weekly! I also wonder if it’s a feminine thing, and I don’t mean that in a sexist way but more in an archetypal way that we are sometimes more empathetic, tuned into our emotions, and prone to “cycles.” In many traditions, cycles are considered sacred. Maybe it’s not even natural to be “faster, harder, stronger” all the time and our retreats into self-care are a beautiful, natural thing.
I also just think in general doing your life’s work brings up so many old emotions and shadows as it forces us to evolve and grow at hyper-speed. Maybe we’re integrating, processing, and releasing old wounds every time we visit those places. I like to imagine it like cleansing! (My biz life tends to look like this: “Work, work, cleanse! Work, work, cleanse!” haha… not sure if that’s normal either!)
Who knows, but super curious your thoughts and take how you experience it! Thanks again for sharing. Like you said, it’s really cool to know I’m not the only one! 😉
What a great article, Mark. I’d summarize it as: How to stop avoiding your most important projects? First, decide that you do, indeed want to do them. Second, acknowledge that there is something in you that’s getting in the way of doing them. Third, gently, lovingly, sense what that is that’s getting in the way. And fourth, figure out what support is needed to move forward, even with #3 being there.
Thank you!
Ruth- that’s a summary alright! Glad you liked it. 🙂
David Allen’s book ‘Getting Things Done’, has helped me the most. Like on of the posts above, he advocates putting just the next step on your to do list. For example a task such as ‘get car fixed’ may stay there for days unless you work out the first step, which might be ‘find garage number’. So we stop getting overwhelmed by the whole task and just do each step. If you come to a step you can’t do for some reason, maybe it’s because the step is actually too big, and you could ask yourself “could this step be broken into smaller, do-able steps?” And some steps just as Mark says might need help such as confidence building from friends/partner.
Veronica- so true! And by breaking the projects into tasks, you can spot exactly where you do need the support.
Dear Mark,
This post touched me so deeply, and on many levels. First, I’m reminded that the time table of healing is not in my hands – such a helpful and merciful reminder. It’s a *relief* to take this responsibility of healing off my heart and to hand it over to the Divine.
Secondly, what you describe in your article is what my teacher in attachment theory/developmental psychology, Dr. Gordon Neufeld, prescribes to do when we’re stuck – to let others “come alongside” us, to connect and attach (both spiritually and with others) in order to move through frightening or overwhelming situations. It’s one of the ways attachment is so powerful – we reach in and reach out and we can move forward.
I teach this process to my students who are struggling with sugar and food addiction – I call it scaffolding – to accept where you get stuck, to make a plan for it, and to let others helps you. It’s counterintuitive for many, because in the addiction field there’s a lot of confusion around the word “dependence.” In truth, loving dependence – letting yourself depend on the Divine and with trusted, loving others – is how we grow and heal.
The other night I was moving through some terror about a new business project – a project that is asking me to grow and stretch in ways that are challenging – and I just cried and cried in my husband’s arms. He couldn’t erase my fear, but he could hold me through it. I woke up the next day feeling more at ease and courageous about stepping into these bigger business shoes.
And if the fear returns – and it probably will 🙂 – I can cry in his arms again.
The power of connection is so beautiful.
Thank you, Mark!
Attachment is so critical, isn’t it? Thank you, Karly, for adding this piece in. So important to understand ourselves as part of a larger whole, and what we need to truly thrive- which is more than ourselves.
The hues would be the subsequent thing you will need certainly
to contemplate while choosing the spectacles. They don’t bother about what star is wearing the exact same glasses, he is focused on searching
great, if they believes the glasses can make him seem cool
towards the common ladies he’ll purchase them.
“Scaffolding” is a neat technique — thanks Karly!
It seems like there’s so much emphasis in the self-help community on “pushing fear away,” “beating it,” and “overcoming our blocks” but I’ve actually found that emotions are important information and often shadow parts of our being that want to be honored. In my personal experience I’ve found that what we resist persists and ironically, accepting and allowing my emotions such as fear, softens it.
Often it’s not even “fear” that is the “issue” but “fear of fear” — all of the layers of judgement we’ve built up towards our emotions (as if we are supposed to be Polyanna Super-Robots). I’ve heard Eckhart Tolle talk about that a lot, that emotions like fear just are. I’ve been trying this practice of just saying “yes” or “I accept this” in the moment, and it’s amazing how those feelings pass quicker.
Reminds me of how you just said yes and even planned for fear to be 🙂 Great article, thanks!
Amen, Stephanie, AMen.