In social media circles the big word is “authenticity.” Being authentic, being yourself. “Be yourself!” people scream. People moan. People cry. There’s a lot of people acting out their inner drama queen with all of this authenticity.
However, if you’ve noticed, it’s not strictly authenticity that works. In fact, lots of people can be themselves, and, well… uh… where IS everyone?
The missing skill is… drum roll please…
The Fine Art of Schmoozing
Schmoozing is different than strictly being authentic. Of course, schmoozing without authenticity is a bit painful. You could say authenticity is necessary but not sufficient.
What is schmoozing? Schmoozing, a Yiddishism if there ever was one, is the grease between the cogs, that little bit of social awareness that helps interactions go better.
Authenticity makes the grease more pure. Without authenticity, schmoozing is like using five-week old deep-fryer oil. Gross.
But without schmoozing, without that awareness of social interaction, things can just kinda … creak to a halt.
So, let’s talk about the ancient art of schmoozing.
There are a few time-honored traditions that the best schmoozers know how to do. The first:
1. Start conversations.
A schmoozer is willing to set the conversational topic, at least at first. And, the schmoozer is unattached to the topic- they know it’s just potentially a throw-away topic.
What you had for breakfast, the weather, any old thing can be a jumping-off point.
Example: I started a twitter conversation about my breakfast. Could be boring, could be a throw-away topic. But ended up not.
2. Make it entertaining.
A schmoozer is part stand-up comic. Well, it doesn’t always have to be “comic.” It can be “philosopher” or “dramatist.” It’s the stand-up part that’s important.
You have to develop an ear for what might be entertaining. My breakfast was entertaining because I wasn’t feeling well, so I was eating raw garlic, onions and goat yogurt. With a dash of cayenne. Exciting!
3. Treat the other person like they are royalty.
Asking opinions, giving them attention, sharing what impact their words have on you. Someone suggested avocado instead of goat yogurt over the garlic, as a way to avoid dairy, and I gushed on them with appreciation. Or something like that.
There’s a certain quality that is so healing to the heart when someone really gives you their attention, and cares about your presence. If you can give this in the social media arena, it makes a world of difference.
Greasy and Good.
You can see how this could be really, really oily without authenticity. But, perhaps you can also see how authenticity just doesn’t do the trick on its own. Because there’s a difference between:
“I’m not feeling well. I’m going to eat a remedy of raw garlic and goat yogurt. Hope I feel better.”
Versus the three tweets I did send out in succession:
“Time for breakfast! Raw onion and goat yogurt. I hope that doesn’t disturb you. It’s only because we’re out of raw garlic.”
“Oh! Thank goodness! We DO have raw garlic! Breakfast complete. Side note: I’m accepting visitors today. :)”
“Okay folks, you know that scene in Alien? You know the scene. Well, my breakfast is working.”
I won’t say it’s God’s gift to twitter, but it is a little more entertaining than the first. The sense of fun, the fact that I’m talking to people, starting the conversation, and that I’m implicitly inviting people to make fun of me and/or respond in some way means that we had a lively conversation.
That lively conversation is part of schmoozing. There are other ways to schmooze, this is just one small example. But, the end results included a whole double-handful of twitter-follows, and some people who hadn’t yet made contact with me felt safe enough to reach out and let me know what they were thinking.
Do you schmooze?
Hey, I’m curious. What other factors do you think are involved with schmoozing in the social media scene?
11 Responses
Ah, Mark – thank you for this. It’s a lovely article, and finally I know what all the breakfast-excitement was about!
Hilary
I love the distinction and the invitation to the perfect combination of ingredients – for a healing breakfast and a great connection.
I do have to say though that when it comes to Point 2, entertaining, I’m started to get exhausted by all the cleverness. There’s a certain snappy tone that’s starting to wear on my last nerve. I guess that’s when things are a little light on authenticity and heavy on the hip factor.
Jamie
Hey Mark,
Another stellar post. And I love that word “schmoozing”. There are some Yiddish terms that get to the heart of things like nothing else.
I also agree with Jamie about the “always have to be quick and funny” thing. Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE to play! But there are times when I’m just not feeling all that clever and it starts to feel like pressure and that is no fun at all. I might practice being boring and normal for a while and see where that gets me (-:
I love the part about treating other people like royalty, though. That is something that none of us are used to and we can ever get enough of. I’m always surprised how slightly shocked and sweetly grateful people are when they get that royal treatment.
Thanks again for the wonderful work that you do in the world!
chris zydel
Beautiful post, Mark. As always, you get to the heart of the matter in a way that keeps me reading right to the end.
Yes, authenticity matters. And by itself, it isn’t enough. It’s that leaning in and taking the risk to begin a conversation that leads to connection. And then the connection is nurtured by the quality of your attention and response. It’s the in-between stuff–being entertaining–that isn’t always so easy for me. Is there a Divine quality to help with that? 🙂
Thanks so much for this lovely reminder.
Hiro Boga
@Hilary- glad it helped! “Lovely” – I love that you UK folks use this so regularly as adjective- way underused in the US. I’m going to use it more.
@Jamie- I think you’re dead on. The hipness thing totally gets to me, too- which is where the authenticity does come in, as you so rightly pointed out.
Love this, and whew, I don’t have to be a stand-up comic — philosophy and/or drama are OK too. Thanks for the reminder 😉
And also about not being attached to the conversation topic. Point of schmoozing (“pure” grease — great metaphor!) isn’t coming up with world’s best topic — it’s about the connection created.
Hey Mark,
As someone just learning to paddle in this social networking ocean, I really appreciate you describing your experiences with it.
I’m not on Twitter yet, and have been wondering about it – in fact I’m still really just getting the hang of what bookmarking buttons I want on my posts/feed, etc.
So, it’s really great for me to hear about how delightful it can be! (and how’s that for another lovely and underused term?)
And it also helps to hear that people truly do reach out to your business as a result of the safety that “silly” topics can create. Wow, who knew? Thanks!
Susan J
want somebody to like you?
make them like themselves.
@Chris- I totally support boring and normal at times. I get so exhausted trying to be “clever” and quick… reminds me of high school, where I had a miserable time.
I think that even when we’re not feeling clever, we can still bring a sense of how our words impact other people, and make it “entertaining” in the broadest sense.
And then there’s the times I don’t feel like being on social media at all. 🙂 So I’m not.
@Hiro- a Divine quality for entertaining? Good question. How about the the quality of Jamil- beauty, which are the things our egos prefer- so making things preferable for the ego, in a sense. Hmmm…
@Janet- I get all too attached to the topics myself sometimes… I’m always trying to remember that the content is the vehicle for Presence.
@Susan- I’m so glad this helped! Most of what’s true in social media is what we’re already good at as human beings, so don’t let it be too much of a mystery. 🙂
Curious- do any of you, or anyone else- have other aspects of schmoozing that perhaps I missed?
Oh, wow….ZING!
“Content is the vehicle for PRESENCE!”
I’m taping this to my computer the moment I get home!
You just cut through absolutely Everything (as you often do) that my mind thinks it should be figuring out about all these new ways to connect.
Thank you SO much for that!
@Gregory- thanks for coming by- we’ve been having some interesting/provoking back-and-forth’s on twitter and I appreciate your willingness to engage.
Q: I’m not sure how to make someone else feel a particular something?
@Susan- badabing, badaboom. Sometimes it just lands, eh? Glad it helped. You rock.