If you’ve been in business for even a short while, you’ve probably gotten one of these emails. You know–someone has signed up for something you offer, and then:
“I am so sorry to write you like this: I just got laid off, talked with my spouse and he-she is angry, the stock market tumbled and took away my savings and I have to back out.”
Eeeeek!!! Argh! Clients can be hard enough to come by, sometimes it feels like pulling teeth, and then to have one jump out after they finally stepped in! Oh, the pain!
First, You Get to Have All the Normal Reactions
“Why me?” “The double-crossing so-and-so!” “Blankety-blank!”
Blame, anger, self-pity. All normal. Bring ’em on! In the privacy of your office, they never need to know, and it’s better to feel those emotions, name them, and express them a little bit.
But don’t get on too much of a roll with them, because if you get carried away they can build on themselves. If you fully allow the emotion, connect with your heart, and Remember that there’s a larger reality available, you can access a lot of ease.
It’s also important to distinguish between the emotion–anger, grief, sadness, frustration–and the story, “They betrayed me.” “They disappointed me.” “They blanked me.”
Feel the emotion. If you can, drop the story. You can tell the difference, because the story involves the person, and the emotion is all yours, meaning no one did it to you, you just feel it. There’s more to it than that, but that’s not what this article is about, so I’ll diplomatically side-step it this time around.
Okay, so you’ve gone through your five minutes, thirty minutes, two hours, full day of upset, and you’ve come to a point of compassion again. Next step?
Drop Your Price Like A Rock To Keep Them
Uh, no. Don’t do that. Well, maybe… but I’ll talk about that later. No, really. There are times when you want to drop prices to keep clients, but not out of fear, or trying to grab onto them. That’s yucky and self-defeating.
What I Meant Was: Evaluate
Why do you want them as a client or customer? Take a good long moment in your heart being honest. Here’s some possible reasons that I’ve seen in myself at times:
- I could really use the cash.
- I really like them–they’d be great to work with.
- They really need what I’m offering, and it would help them a LOT.
- Having them (or anyone) as a client would help me not feel like such a pathetic loser.
Now, if we’re talking about being heart-centered and all, you might be thinking: “Okay, the first one and last one are for dweebs or the unenlightened. The middle ones are the ‘right’ answers.”
But hold onto your galloping heart for a moment: all of those reasons contain very legitimate needs that your heart has.
Legitimate Needs
Inside every reason for doing something is an attempt by our human heart to meet a legitimate need. We are all needy, every day, all day long, in myriad ways. If you look at each of those statements above, you can find a need.
- I could really use the cash. Need = Security, Safety.
- I really like them– they’d be great to have around. Need = Community, Connection.
- They really need what I’m offering, and it would help them a LOT. Need = Contribution.
- Having them (or anyone) as a client would help me not feel like such a pathetic loser. Need = Competence, Effectiveness.
Any story you have in your mind about what to do or not to do with a client, at the core of it, is a real need you have. It’s not always easy to identify the need under the story, but it’s there. And when you identify it, all the judgment just leaks away…
A For-Instance For Ya
It’s no secret that the marketing for this last round of Opening the Moneyflow was a little bumpy, with the little guys coming into our lives in the middle of it. (Thankfully, the class did fill up.)
But, before it was full, it was no fun at all to get the following message:
“Just got laid-off. Need to quit the class.”
Plenty of emotions to pick from there, especially in sleep deprivation and overwhelm. But there were some definite legitimate needs up around wanting to keep her in the class. Two of the biggest were (1) Contribution–in my earlier conversation with her I knew how much she needed the course, and (2) Support–we’re running the beta Heart of Business Train the Trainers program and I wanted some great people in the Moneyflow course to help train those trainers.
So, I told her: “You’ve already paid for a third of the course. Let’s get creative. I’m not going to let you just walk away.”
The result? It was very moving, I had tears in my eyes, as she explained the relief, yes the RELIEF she felt that I wasn’t going to just let her walk away.
Don’t Abandon Your Clients
When someone wanders out of the desert into your business and is counting on you to help them, but then backs away… don’t just abandon them. They are needing safety and guidance, and I’m going to guess that they, like most humans, don’t know how to risk asking for help.
It’s very easy to get scared when someone wants to back out. And yet, they are often very much wanting to stay.
Does This Mean I Always Have to “Get Creative” And Drop My Price?
Er… no. You have to stay in your heart. I’ve had several “creative” conversations with folks in the last couple of weeks, and price dropping only came up once, and that was a special situation.
As it turns out, the woman who lost her job and I spent some time on the phone in our hearts. She stayed in the course, and I didn’t drop my price.
But I was willing to consider it. I was willing to meet her, as long as it felt good to my heart. I’ve written about the Wackiness of Resonant Pricing before, but you don’t want to drop your price reflexively.
So how do you handle talking to them?
Keys To That Conversation
• First, What Do You Need?
It’s easy to pick up the phone or shoot off an email reflexively when someone wants to back away (either that, or hide under the covers.) But if you do, then you’ll both be triggered, and the mess will get deep, fast.
As I said above, you must take time to identify and feel your emotions, and then identify your needs prior to the conversation. So if you haven’t, go back and re-read that part of this article.
• Second, What Are Your Limits?
Are you willing to drop your price? Create different payment plans? Accept barter or work-study? What’s true for you? What other needs will be met if you do?How do you prevent feeling drained if you do change the details of pricing?
If you’re clear before the conversation, you won’t have to figure it out on the fly.
• Third, Listen. And Give Them Argh! Empathy
If you’ve let go of your own panic and reaction, you’ll probably have a lot more space to hear what’s really going for them. And instead of hearing that they’re leaving you, you’ll probably hear the pain and frustration in their voice from thinking they’re being forced to leave.
Give them what I call “Argh! empathy.” Argh! empathy is when you empathize with the Argh! without trying to fix it. “Oh my goodness, what a miserable situation! I’m so sad to hear that! Argh!”
In most cases, once you’ve given some Argh! empathy you’ll hear or sense some immediate relief. Then it’s no longer you versus them, but the two of you are suddenly on the same side, confronting a problem that needs some creativity.
Remember that if a client takes you up on an offer, it’s because they want it. If they back out, your reaction will make the difference between whether they really do back out, or if they feel enough safety and care that maybe they can take a bigger risk than intended and stick around anyway.
And you? What are your big challenges or strategies for dealing with clients who back out?
14 Responses
Great article Mark – I love this perspective of the supportive nature of holding clients accountable for choice to grow.?
Very interesting and helpful article. With the current economy, I think many of us will be hearing more stories like this from clients. This will help me develop a guide to decide how best to work with them, if the issue of price comes up. Thanks.
Joan Schramm
I’m writing as a client of a $450 class. I enrolled in the class and did not see anything about a refund policy. I had to have unscheduled shoulder surgery. I was in pain, felt really awful, and couldn’t type. I asked if there was any kind of refund available and received, in a rather terse email back, that there was not and that there was something on the enrollment form saying so. Then, a few months later, there was a refund on my credit card. I thought she had had a change of heart and emailed her to thank her. She emailed back saying it was a technical error that happened to everyone in the class and would be reversed back out. Apparently, she also felt the need for another little lecture on her refund policy. It was an awful experience. I guess I’m venting now. Sorta sorry. 😉 The only “class” that I’ve decided to take, since that sorry episode, is Havi’s. I’m really reluctant to do anymore internet classes which is a shame. Thanks for letting me sound off. I’m new here and you seem to be a voice for kinder, more professional internet business behaviour. I’m glad you’re out there.
@Amy- I know… when we got caught up in money stuff, we forget that the money part is a great opportunity to care for people really deeply- and can create a lot of trust in the process.
@Joan- Glad it helped! Let me know if you get any particular insights into your own way of dealing with it.
@Karen- Oh yes! There is a much better way to do business. I am so, so sorry you had such a painful experience with that person- I can’t imagine how deep into fear that person is operating. Ugh!
My parents taught me, in their retail store, that if someone wants a refund, you give them a refund. And, karmically, why would I want to hang on to money that you as the customer don’t want me to have?
Don’t lose hope! There are good people out here. We can all help each other, and in the process make business more lovely for us all.
Really helpful article, Mark! Particularly your point about identifying my needs – your examples helped me see the value of getting clear on my needs in a whole range of interactions. Now I need to resurrect that NVC stuff!
May
Enjoyed reading this clear and helpful article. Exactly what is needed at this time. Particularly liked the 3 keys to the conversation.
Janet
@May- I know, nothing beats that NVC structure.
@Janet- I’m glad you liked it! And those three keys… I’m always grateful when I remember them. 🙂
This was really helpful, Mark. A lot of my clients are struggling or have already gone out of business, and this has reminded me to focus on the bigger picture: the ongoing relationships.
That said, I’d love to see a post on how to end relationships with clients gracefully. I recently discovered that a service provider who has referred work to me in the past is actually much less competent than he appears, and I’m really not comfortable taking referrals from him any more. I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place on that one.
Ahh!, that’s a great question, Kelly. I’ve run into that before myself. I bet I can come up with something this next week. Not very fun, is it?
Just wanted to say “Thanks” for your kind words. And the thought of making business “more lovely” does give me hope. 🙂
Thanks for your perspective! It’s really good to hear from a businessperson’s POV about how they deal with people who find themselves unable to afford their services even if they need them.
I’m usually on the other end of this scenario, in a way – I balk at the prices for a lot of otherwise-worthy things (for example, Havi’s classes or IttyBiz’s consulting) which I would have LOVED. Problem is, I’m a uni student with casual jobs, and I come from a place where money doesn’t travel far (yay exchange rates!!). So sadly I have to let go and try to find as many free resources as possible.
Sometimes I feel like asking if there’s a way I can still participate (in the past, I’ve managed to gain entry into otherwise-off-budget events by volunteering, which I love) but it makes me feel like a freeloader, which I don’t like. On the other hand, it ticks me off to hear people like Havi say “well, you’re not the ‘right people’ then”, because the term “right people” carries a lot of baggage and sneering, and seems to discount the very real challenges people in many parts of the world face. There are a lot of opportunities for us to improve ourselves and our communities, but they’re priced out of our reach – and then it’s implied that we’re not “good enough” because of factors beyond our control.
What is your take on that? How can we heal this rift and find ways to better reach out without compromising on ourselves?
Tiara
@Tiara- You bring up some great points, that we’ve looked at before, since the internet is global. the global exchange system is rough because those of us in more inflated economies need to make aliving, and yet that often means our products and services can end up being the equivalent of a month’s or a year’s pay. Certainly there are some trainings that cost that, but not when we’re intending them to be introductory material.
Also, the ‘right people’ can carry a lot of baggage- you’re right. But, I think, when seen from the heart, that’s from the perspective of the business owner, with no reflection on the other person. I would mean it to be more like “since I can’t afford/it doesn’t feel right in my heart to drop my price and it clearly doesn’t work for them through no fault of their own, then perhaps we’re not meant to be in that kind of a relationship at this moment.”
I take to be no more or less than that- that the Divine isn’t allowing that particular connection to happen in that particular way.
I don’t have a simple solution. As I know you’re sensitive to, if we charge rates that make sense to you, our business is no longer sustainable in our home economy, and yet you’re stuck on the outside where what we offer could be very helpful perhaps.
Work-study and volunteer work is helpful to a point, and that point is the business’ ability to use that work.
So, two things:
Here’s an article that might be helpful around the “freeloader” idea.
The second thing is a question: do you have any creative ideas yourself? I’d love to hear them. My flu-clogged brain isn’t feeling creative at the moment.
Hi Mark,
I’m actually new to this blog but I’m glad you’ve mentioned the global economy before – I’ll look around. We are all affected by macro and micro factors so often it’s not as clearcut as “I have no cash”.
There was a entrepreneurship conference I was interested in participating in but whose price was out of reach. I had just become acquainted with the person that organises the conference (for a different reason) and asked if there was any way I can contribute. He noted that they still needed a few more people to attend, and told me that I could get in free if I could get about 5 more people in on a reduced cost. I got 4 eventually (which was OK), and it turned out to be a boon for my folk – one of them said that she was interested too but, like me, couldn’t afford it; my offer was a godsend to her as it was just the price she could pay! I also managed to make a new friend out of my promotion, and we worked on a project together. Whee!
So here the provider has identified a need, and they’ve reached out to the client with that need. It reverses the traditional idea of client with need, provider with solution, but by opening up your needs you also give yourself the opportunity to have those needs fulfilled. The client could come up with great ways to fulfill your need in exchange for a cheaper rate on your program. Both sides win.
Another way could be to refer them to someone that could fit their needs better. There isn’t only one business consultant or one therapist etc etc in the world. What the client is looking for isn’t always “the specific Mark Silver guy”, but someone who has your approach and viewpoint and gifts. It is likely that there is someone else out there who does something similar, but could suit them better. So if someone came up to you and wanted your services, but couldn’t afford them, refer them to other people that can help (or at least places where they can go to find other people). Maybe what they’re really after is something that’s better served by someone else – and you’ll be in the position to share a better path.
A lot of people go “Google” but that’s not usually helpful when you’re dealing with personal reputations – Google doesn’t always tell you *how* someone works, which is usually a deciding factor in selecting a course or service. Having a referral/recommendation by you gives the client confidence, it helps the other person, and your client trusts you and the other person better. Win-win-win.
Collaboration seems to be the key here 🙂
(and aww, flus are no fun!! keep well. honey+lemon+tea works well for me.)
Tiara
@Tiara- That’s a fantastic story, about the conference. I so agree, we all have needs, and if we’re not transparent about them, we can miss out on tremendous miracles of opportunity and connection.
I also agree with you about the referrals bit. We have, over time, expanded our range of offerings so that there is usually something for people at different budgets, and we’ve never been afraid to refer someone to where they can really get the help they need.
I love the depth and heart you brought to the response. And, I was impressed when I took a look at your blog. I hope others here take a look, too. Thank you for coming by. I hope we get to hear from you again.