You ever have those moments when someone so obviously needs you and what you offer that you just want to tell them, “Just sign up! You need this!” Maybe you’re tempted to grab their lapels and shake them.
The funny thing is, if you’re feeling this, chances are the other client has at least an inkling of the same feeling.
What I mean is that people, when they are in a stuck place, are yearning for trusted leadership. They don’t want to be “empowered” or “supported to find their own truth.” They want to know what to do and when to do it.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with this. It’s wrong if this is all there is and it doesn’t evolve into empowerment and finding their own truth. But providing confident leadership is entirely appropriate at times.
When I was a paramedic, and I took someone’s vital signs, read their EKG, and did a full physical assessment and came up with a treatment plan and advised that person to go the hospital with us, that’s being of service. If someone’s really sick, they don’t want me saying, “Well, really you are your own best expert. I think you should decide.”
The thing is that this leadership doesn’t come easily. And even in an emergency situation people often maintain a healthy skepticism. I say “healthy” because leadership has so often been misused and abused in our culture that there is no good reason for someone to just had their sovereignty over on someone else’s say-so.
So we’ve got a conundrum. You can see that someone needs your help, you are being totally sincere. You have a good vibe and you’re guessing they really want to work with you, too. But they aren’t trusting you yet. How do you get there?
Let me roll it out for you. Because creating leadership is a five-step process.
Leadership In Five Steps
Let’s make the ridiculous assumption that you’ve never seen a chair before. You’re tired, you’d like to sit down, the chair looks like maybe something that would work, but you’ve just never seen or sat in one before, and you’re skeptical.
In order to accept the support, the leadership, of the chair, you need to have trust. So, where does trust come from?
Trust arises out of knowledge. And I don’t mean mental knowledge, I mean the true knowing of something in your body.
And that kind of knowledge can only come from intimacy. You have to get close enough to something to be able to truly know it. If you hold it at arm’s length, how can you say you have knowledge of it? So therefore, some intimacy, proximity, is called for.
What allows intimacy? Vulnerability and curiosity. It’s vulnerable to be so close. And it takes a certain sincere curiosity to allow yourself to be truly close enough to share space with them. Curiosity allows you to learn so that you can share space and be vulnerable in a useful way.
So you approach the chair, you let yourself get close enough to it, so you can be vulnerable and curious with it. You discover that it can hold you up, that it is strong enough. So you accept it’s leadership and allow the shape of the chair to define how you place your body as you lean into it’s support.
Making sense?
It’s the Same With Potential Clients
If you can go through the same process with a potential client, you’ll find yourself in a position of leadership with them quite naturally.
Use vulnerability and curiosity in a sincere way to get close, by learning about them and what’s going on. Ask questions, don’t talk about what you do. As you learn about them and they learn about you through the questions you ask, they will start to learn into you.
Finally, if this person is really a good client for you, he’ll feel seen, understood, known. Trust will arise. He’ll learn into you. He’ll accept your leadership. He’ll sit in your chair.
It’s at this point that you can tell them, if you’ve got that kind of rapport, “Hey, I think you could really use this. What do you think? Should we just dig in?”
I bet you use strong leadership in working with clients once they’ve hired you. Are you willing to provide that same leadership, and gain it in a sincere, authentic, trust-worthy way before they hire you?
Their hearts will be grateful to you.
What’s your experience? How do you establish leadership with your potential clients? Or do you?
39 Responses
Once again, you are spot on with this fabulous article about leadership and how to exercise that from the beginning of your relationship with a new client.
I was talking with someone the other day who was interested in one of my programs. It was clear after talking with her that a.) she really wanted to do this and b.) it would benefit her greatly.
But she was getting herself all twisted up with fears and anxieties of various sorts and she finally said to me some version of “What else can you tell me that will convince me to sign up for your program?”
What she was expecting was some more information for her mind to reject. But what I came back with was ” I have nothing more to tell you about what I have to offer. What I can say is that I don’t really understand why you don’t just sign up for this program right now. It’s obviously what you say that you want.”
She was completely taken aback… in a good way. Then started laughing because I called her bluff and wrote me a check.
One of the great things about getting older is that I can pull out the cranky elder cut the bullshit card and get away with it!!
Which is totally fun (-:
Chris! Again you spell it out beautifully- and I love “pull out the cranky elder cut the bullshit card” – very nice. 🙂
Chris,
I love your response to your prospect. What a great way to turn the conversation around instead of constantly trying to come up with more reasons. You gave her the permission she was looking for to sign up.
Kim
This article really rings true for me. As a birth doula, I interview with potential clients. After they complete their interviews, they choose the one with the best “fit.” As a new doula, I had two contrasting experiences with being interviewed. One went great and I was hired on the spot. Another I fumbled through and (no surprise) wasn’t hired. I felt terrible about the interview I so clearly flubbed. And I let myself feel terrible for a day, but then I decided to analyze the experiences to figure out what worked and what didn’t. The answer was that I needed to ask a lot of questions before talking much about myself. This helps the potential clients feel heard, as you said, but it also helps me tune into their needs and feel more confident answering their questions in a way that’s relevant to them. It has worked like a charm!
Woo-hoo, Scarlett! So glad it worked for you- and I hope you do get to be present when Jason comes to speak to your group- I think it will be a blast for you all.
I loved the article! It confirmed what my intuition has been telling me to do this year and that is to not be so afraid of being a strong leader when it comes to my groups or my coaching.
I have noticed a big difference in how many women sign up for both! I feel better as I am letting myself shine my energy even more.
I’m very energetic, intense, and passionate and have always held back not wanting to over power people.
Turns out I went overboard and was holding back a lot!!
Now I am finding a middle ground, a balance with it all and women are responding.
So interesting observing ones own work without judgment…..just a compassionate detachment…..learning from what I notice and making adjustments.
Enchanted Blessings ~
Daina (DINAH) Puodziunas
Hi Daina,
Glad to see you rockin and rollin.
Isabel
Daina- so glad to see! Hi! And glad you loved it.
Mark,
Thank you for this gift! It’s an antidote to all the “I’m-a-spiritual-guru-so-I-KNOW-exactly-what’s-right-for-you” stuff out there.
It’s an honor and a pleasure to celebrate the way you lead from a place of vulnerability and curiosity. Thank you!
A recent example from my business was a client who was leaving a controlling relationship to free her heart energy. She was getting very down on herself because she was going to have to downsize – bigtime – due to the fact that her partner made most of the money in their relationship.
I was guided to share with her my crash and burn story after my own divorce. It was scary and honestly, I almost didn’t do it. I almost kept it “professional” and didn’t share how I wound up in a 1 room efficiency apartment that I was ashamed to have my daughter and her friends visit.
But, I listened to the guidance and shared my story. I also shared how over the past 5 years I’ve gone deep into my own inner healing as well as learned about conscious business principles.
I also shared that I now live in a beautiful 4 bedroom home in one of the most desirable neighborhoods in Santa Fe (like Portland, not a cheap place to live).
This whole process of sharing gave her tremendous hope and courage in the face of the challenging times that are ahead of her. It increased our intimacy and that in the whole group (this took place in one of my Mastermind groups). I’m very glad I listened to Spirit on this one ..
Thanks for being awesome Mark!
Hi Paul- it’s been good getting to know you in this space. And it’s a beautiful example of listening to spirit even when scared- I’ve been there so many times myself. So glad you’re in the world doing the work, Paul.
Back when I was training to be a therapist, my supervisor taught me…
Intimacy = Mutual Vulnerability
Even if we get the vulnerability part right, we almost always get the mutual part wrong. It’s not uncommon to see couples or friends do see-saw vulnerability where one is vulnerable and the other not, then they switch.
So is it any wonder we have this problem when it comes to working with clients and getting them to hire us?
Yet, allowing vulnerability to enter into the relationship does make all the difference.
Thanks for the reminder.
Susan
Yes, Susan, yes. And it’s a great reminder of the mutuality- so critical.
Dear Mark,
I love this, thank you.
First, I love hearing you share about your vulnerability leading your training. It feels so much more reassuring than “My training was fabulous, everyone loved it, I was totally relaxed and confident, blah, blah, blah.”
Second, I love this model of the path to leadership. Especially the need to allow for vulnerability and curiosity, and to create intimacy.
Hi Isabel- Thank you- thanks for receiving what I wrote.
Hi, Mark,
I just feel compelled this morning to reach out and say a hearty Thank You for this most recent installment in the “Mark Silver Amazing Reports from the Interface of Heart, Integrity, Vulnerability, Healing, Business, and True Service Trilogy/Saga.” 🙂
I found this one to be particularly touching, and it offered me real fellowship as I know the place of which you wrote. I also know what it’s like — how it can be both exquisitely tender and powerfully Healing — to actually move into and towards the fears that arise when one is doing such intimate work with others.
Thank you, Mark, for reminding me that I am most definitely not alone in this process, and for offering me such great, transparent, and authentic fellowship in and through your beautiful example.
One Pilgrim on the Path to Another…
Mark
Mark! So great to see you here- thanks for following your compulsion to reach out- I so enjoy hearing from you.
As a general comment- I know Isabel and Mark Bricca mentioned me talking about how I goofed at the past seminar, and the experience of being vulnerable. That came in the email newsletter- I share personal reflections and experiences with folks who are subscribed in addition to the article. If you subscribe, you get the inside scoop on those kinds of moments- which are so critical to learning to be effective in business. Because business can be very messy. If you’re interested you can go here and subscribe.
Argh! This was awesome. This approach feels so true and powerful.
The funny thing is that if I’d read it a year ago it wouldn’t have made any sense to me.
Today though I have a much better sense of what value I bring to my clients as a life coach and mentor.
And also recognize people who will be a good match much quicker!!
Two other things come to my mind:
1. This is exactly how my own life coach enrolled me! She was generous and supportive from the start, before I even hired her. She showed real interest in my story and a committment to go the distance with me.
2. Wondering how I can apply this approach to my blog. How can it be a tool to create intimacy and show support to my readers?
Thanks again Mark. So so grateful.
Ps. And it seems like you’re on some sort of travel/vacation. Enjoy!!
xoxox
Bahieh- you are so welcome! And yes- I had been away teaching the Sacred Moment Seminar last week- and then the virtual retreat on Friday. 🙂 Great to see you here.
This is so true. And being able to show up in this way, as a leader, is such a deep step into our own personal power and strength as service providers. When we do this, it’s tremendous. I’ve had people sign up with me to create their web content without even asking for an estimate of what it was going to cost – we were both just excited to get going.
AND, there’s just one thing I’d add, which I don’t think you quite make clear: it’s crucial to be a leader without being attached to the outcomes.
There are some people who really aren’t ready to sit down in that chair. No matter how clear it is to me that they NEED what I have to offer, they aren’t in a place where they can take it … yet, or maybe ever.
And I can be a leader in the way you describe (and I’ve experienced), and they may still say “no” – either explicitly or through their actions.
That’s okay, and it’s really important to recognize that it’s okay. It doesn’t mean I screwed up somehow; it just means they weren’t ready.
Without this piece of the puzzle, it’s easy to get angry at myself for somehow “not doing it right,” and/or angry at the other person for not recognizing what s/he needs.
Grace- good point about being attached to outcomes. Later in the Sacred Moment, where this material is from, I talk about discovering what’s true and not trying to create an outcome. There are several crucial pieces I couldn’t jam into this one article, and the unattachment to outcome is one of the biggest. Love how you expressed it here- thanks for adding it in!
I’ve been playing around with the idea of leadership for awhile, and sitting in the place of curiosity with potential clients, for them and for myself.
I find that the more centered in who I am the easier it is for me to stay in the place of being vulnerable and curious, and the less I am to try and “pimp” myself out. It makes a big difference in the entire interaction if I’m not trying to prove myself.
Leah- exactly! We do an exercise in the Sacred Moment seminar that does exactly that- first sinks people into receiving appreciation for the gifts strengths of what you’ve been given, and then you bow in service to the other person. Very, very powerful practice, isn’t it?
Mark, thank you for the wise reminder, “If I show up with what’s true, there is support available. Always.” Upon reading them, I wrote in my journal for future reference. And I got that you came by this reminder honestly.
Anita- as honestly as I can… 🙂
Mark, Great article…and how right you are. I’ve been a consultant for more than 10 years now and I’ve learned that the best way to get new clients is simply to share my knowledge with caring. As you so aptly pointed out, by demonstrating genuine caring for a potential client’s situation, one can build a relationship of trust that leads to a no-compete way of earning someone’s business.
Thanks, Randy- I bet you have a wealth of experience to share on this topic after ten years.
First time here. Charlie Gilkey from Productive Flourishing tweeted the link and I am glad I found your blog.
For someone like me just starting out in my coaching practice I am grateful to have come across such valuable advice early on. In my men’s group I someone offered the idea the other night that “intimacy” is spelled In-To-See-Me. In all relationships intimacy, or In-To-See-Me is truly the first step to building a strong and mutually beneficial relationship.
Hi Bob- welcome! Charlie‘s a good friend, so glad you’re connected to him as well. So glad you came ’round. Let me know if you have any questions.
First time here…and wow, what a great article. I’ve been an independent business owner of a consulting firm for more than 15 years…and have never done any advertising. All of my projects have come as a result of word of mouth and referrals from happy clients.
A few years back, I decided to revamp my website. During the process, I asked former clients what it was about my firm that made them choose us. The most popular phrase that they used in describing why my firm was hired was “caring” — in other words, they all felt that my firm had a genuine caring for the situation they were in and what they were trying to achieve and that this put us above other firms who had the same level of experience and knowledge.
Welcome, Alicia! Glad to see you here. And glad you’ve never advertised. What a nice reflection your clients gave you- that must’ve totally made your day/week/year to hear that from them.
Hi Mark,
This is my first visit to your blog and on the evry first visit I get to read such a fantastic article about leadership. I think you are right, when it comes to getting clients you need to build trust in them.You will need to ask them their problems, answer them, help them out, maybe then the potential client will start trusting you and hire you.
I am a newbie freelancer and this article has been of great help to me to understand the method properly. Nice analogy with the chair there.
Regards,
Shiva
Hi Shiva- you’re welcome- and be welcome! Glad it was helpful. Good luck with your freelancing! Let us know if you have any questions.
Great tips. You not only wrote about the tips, but you give how to practice it. Honestly, I am less in leadership. I am not good to make conversation with other people. I hope I can practice your tips.
Mmmm…I had exactly this experience last week. That “You need this! You’ve just told me how much you need this! I am telling you that without a doubt I can help you!” Wanting to look them in the eyes and shake them as I say it!
I felt that vulnerability and curiosity strongly, but I never felt like she got to a point of trusting. I became more shy, fearing rejection, instead of being a leader.
Thanks for reminding me that what those clients want to hear me say is “I know I can help you.” instead of “well, if you’re interested, just let me know…”
Hi Mark, I’m reading all of these old blogs b/c I’m knew to your teaching so not sure if you will even get this but I wanted to respond. I’ve been in private practice for almost 15 years and one of the ways I use this approach and it always generates, trust and intimacy. I don’t take insurance so when anyone calls me to ask about my services, cost, etc… I tell them what I do but first recommend that they call their insurance company first and interview therapists that are on their plan (they should call back in 48 hours). I tell them if they don’t find anyone on their plan that works for them, THEN contact me and I will see how I can be of service. And I truly do want them to find someone on their plan who can help them b/c therapy can be expensive. But they immediately hear my commitment to their ultimate well-being and they almost always end up coming to see me anyway even if it means paying out of pocket costs. I truly care about my clients, FROM MY HEART, which is why I so resonate with your teachings and it works… for both me and the client I just realized.
Roxanne- That’s beautiful! Such a deep expression of trust and love and care- I’m very much not surprised they often come back to you. Thank you for sharing it here!
great article and so true! It is so easy to lead once they have hired you. Interesting to think of leading before hand. it takes the money barrier out of the way and allows me to be the authentic powerhouse all the time, hired or not hired. It also completely removes any wanting of their approval. nice! thank you!
Danielle- yes, exactly!