Introduction: This is a guest post by my friend, mastermind buddy, and person I’m jealous of Eric Klein because he’s so cool. Eric is probably one of the only, if not the only, successful-for-decades corporate consultant and ordained swami in the Kriya Yoga lineage.
Eric is the author of a best selling book, Awakening corporate Soul: Four Paths to Unleash the Power of People at Work (250,000 copies sold), and has worked with over 20,000 leaders from a wide variety of settings: Fortune 500 companies, healthcare, governmental and non-profit organizations-as well as mid-sized companies.
He’s also one heckuva doodler. Subscribe to the newsletter WisdomHeart.org for more from Eric. Serious. Really. Subscribe. I read every single one.
The Problem with Being Positive
I was at lunch the other day with a friend. While I waited for my soup, I kept smelling the spicy aroma of Tabasco sauce. My mouth watered. So, when my soup arrived I liberally dosed it with the spicy sauce. I went over board. From pleasantly spicy to tastelessly burning. Too much of a good thing . . . ruins the soup.
It’s the same with positivity.
It’s good to be positive. The research on the impact of a positive mind state keeps revealing more and more benefits: from health to wealth.
But, when you use positivity to protect yourself from difficult experiences, you’ve crossed the line from being positive to being a Pollyanna.
Being a Pollyanna isn’t the same as being positive.
In the book Pollyanna the heroine (Pollyanna, herself) receives a set of crutches instead of a doll in her Christmas charity box. She wanted a doll.
Her father tells her to be thankful for the crutches. Why? Because they remind her of the fact that she doesn’t need crutches – because she can walk. Excuse me . . . ?
This isn’t being positive.
It’s denying disappointment and wholesome desire. It’s turning away from what’s real.
And as the great science fiction author, Philip K. Dick, remarked, “Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.”
Reality endures. Reality has a much longer life span than any Pollyanna spin.
No matter how hard you try to cover over reality with Pollyanna spin – reality doesn’t go away.
25 years ago, when I worked in a Fortune 100 corporation, my vice-president loved to tell us, “Let’s not get negative. We don’t have problems – we have opportunities.”
He said this whenever someone raised a really tough issue at Monday morning staff meetings. Issues without easy answers. Polarizing issues where people on both sides had legitimate points to make. Issues that demanded courage and the wading into unclear emotional waters to resolve.
The kind of issues heat up the conversation because people get passionate, intense, and even angry.
He couldn’t take the heat.
So, he labeled the intensity as “negative”. His “positivity” shut down the conversation. We learned to keep our passionate views to ourselves and not to bring our toughest issues to his staff meetings.
We understood that when he told us to “stop being negative” what he really meant was, “I can’t handle all this intensity. I don’t want to deal with the issue you’re raising.”
He used “positivity” as a way of avoiding the messiness that resolving tough issues requires.
Tough issues aren’t easy – be definition. They involve tough choices. They require wading into the churning waters of conflict and strong emotions.
But, he couldn’t deal with conflict or intense emotions. And, so he avoided tough issues, tough conversations, and tough decisions. All in the name of positivity. But, it wasn’t positive. It was Pollyanna.
Positivity that cannot face and embrace what’s really going on – isn’t positive at all.
It’s Pollyanna-positivity. It’s turning away from what’s real. But, turning away from suffering isn’t being positive. It’s denial. And denial perpetuates and intensifies suffering and leaves life’s real challenges unaddressed.
There’s another way to be positive.
A way that doesn’t require rose colored glasses. It’s a healthy positivity that embraces reality – whether it’s “good” or “bad”.
This healthy-positivity offers a way of working with life struggles and strong emotions – that transforms the turbulent energy of emotionality into clarity and wisdom.
Many people, like my boss, are afraid to approach strong emotions.
They’re afraid that they will be overwhelmed and self-indulgent. Valid concerns. But, denying, avoiding, and turning away from strong emotions isn’t the answer.
Rather, we need to develop our capacity to engage with powerful emotions – while sustaining clear, open, and all-embracing awareness.
You build this capacity, not by denial or avoidance, but through meditation practice. Because meditation practice specifically strengthens the very capacity that’s needed in life’s most challenging situations: to face reactivity with composure and awareness.
It’s not that emotions disappear.
This isn’t about developing the frozen smile of a Pollyana. Meditation doesn’t remove your neurological wiring. You still have natural human responses and reactions.
The difference is that through meditation practice you develop the capacity to stay present even when strong emotions arise. Anxiety, anger, fear (and all the other emotions) can still arise. More than likely, they will.
Rather than deny, avoid or override emotions – with platitudes like “Don’t be negative” – you infuse emotions with awareness. And this reveals something amazing.
In the depths of strong emotions lie deep life-giving values.
Emotions aren’t there to threaten and destroy your life (family, business, project etc). They’re there to gain your attention.
If you’re experiencing strong emotions it’s because, deep within your soul, you care deeply about something. The emotion doesn’t tell you what that “something” is.
It’s just an alarm bell. It’s just a signal calling for attention. It’s your soul’s ringtone calling you to attune to what matters most.
Rather than slow down, focus, and heed the call, we react to the emotions.
We react by either denying or indulging. And so, we get caught in the surface display of the emotions rather than hearing the deeper message, the deeper call. But, there is a deeper message to be discerned.
There is, at the heart of every emotion, a life-enhancing value.
To attune to this value takes a quiet mind and an undefended heart. (Hint: you cultivate both through regular spiritual practice.)
By infusing emotions with awareness (not thinking) you move below the surface drama of emotions to discern the life-enhancing value within.
There’s no reason to hide from emotions.
No need to be Pollyana. You don’t have to deny what’s real. Rather, you can let emotions be what they are – ringtones you’re your soul.
And you can answer the deeper call rather than react to the ringing. Simply through the power of awareness you attune to the life-enhancing value at the heart of emotions.
With practice, you become capable of answering the call on the first ring.
Because you are more and more naturally attuned to the subtle nudges of your soul – you don’t have to wait for a major emotion to get your attention.
Soon, the very emotions that scared you become reminders to slow down, attune within, and heed the deeper call.
And with this deepening awareness, you realize that rather than pretending that “everything is fine” you can throw away rose-colored glasses and allow what is real to guide you.
Questions for Reflection & Action
Where are you practicing Pollyanna positivity?
What tough issues is being avoided?
What difficult conversations is being smoothed over?
What strong emotions are you not ?
What’s the cost of this Pollyanna positivity?
To your peace of mind, relationships, health, etc.
What life-enhancing values are underneath the strong emotions?
What is your soul calling for? What is it you most deeply care about?
Eric Klein is one of the few people on the planet who is both a lineage holder in a 5,000 year old yoga lineage and a best-selling business book author. He’s worked with over 25,000 people to infuse greater meaning, awareness, and purpose into their work.
Eric’s most recent book You are the Leader You’ve Been Waiting For won a 2008 Nautilus Book Award for being “a world-changing book promoting positive social change and responsible leadership”. He is also the author of the best-seller, Awakening Corporate Soul: Four Paths to Unleash the Power of People at Work (over 150,000 copies sold) and To Do or Not To Do: How Successful Leaders Make Better Decisions.
To get his free report: The 7 Reasons Meditation Doesn’t Work (And How to Fix Them) go to: www.wisdomheart.org/subscribe
19 Responses
Hi Eric. This is an interesting article. I’d add that we also run into problems with Pollyanna positivity when we prefer to perceive people as we’d like them to be rather than seeing people for what they actually are–especially when it’s a less than rosy picture without the tinted glasses. Or, we choose not to ask the tough questions that will help us discern whether and how far we can trust someone because we’d rather be liked for being “nice” and getting along with everyone than be respected for being wisely discerning and having the integrity to behave in alignment with our values.
Barbara Ehrenreich published an excellent book about two years ago (Bright-Sided. How Positive Thinking is Undermining America) on the negative side effects and sometimes far reaching consequences of irrational Pollyanna positivity. She also notes that we have a better chance at genuine happiness and peace of mind when we’re prepared to accept and respond to, rather than deny or evade, reality.
Hi Sue
I love “we choose not to ask the tough questions that will help us discern”. It is all about discernment which often follows the path of dis-illusionment. Genuine happiness is impossible while wearing colored glasses – pink, rose, black, or blue.
Nice subject! Reality is what each of us perceives as real, of course some things are so obvious that can’t be ignored, but when it comes to emotions we are all subjective. We may be too positive, or too negative, and we always need others to assure us that what we feel is right. I think there’s no perfect equilibrium between being positive and negative, and every day is an inner fight. Some time we need to be excessively positive in order to surpass some bad moments, but if it helps it can’t be wrong.
Hi Mia
Reality with a capital “R” is all there is. Even when my vision is filtered by emotions and beliefs – its all part of that big “R”. As Rumi says:
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
Hello, everyone. My name is Sally and I am really a newbie to all of this. I do however really appreciate all of the information that I get from reading blogs on various subjects. I have found that bloggers are some of the most helpful people on the web.
Again, Thanks a lot for the information,
Sally R.
I have to commend the writer of this post. The view is very much true. Being positive is different from doing away or denying what is real. There must be acceptance of what reality is and being positive is being able to move forward and take action. Don’t just get stuck in crying over spilled milk.
Thank you, Jane.
There may be times when positive action looks like no-action. Being still . . . listening . . . attuning . . . waiting for what is emerging to call you forward.
Hi Eric,
I greatly enjoyed your thoughtful article. What you described is what I’ve been discovering through my meditation and mindfulness practice, as well. Thank you for writing and sharing what is also in my heart. I feel gratitude in this shared belonging.
One of my teachers is developmental psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld. He says that “emotions are the tools for maturation.” They are not a “nuisance variable,” but how our brains (literally!) mature, grow and blossom.
As you pointed out in your article, as I become comfortable with my own intense emotions, I am more able to be with others and their intense emotions. I don’t have to push them away or talk over their mixed feelings with platitudes. It’s a practice for me for sure!, but one I’m committed to, as I see how resting with difficult emotions is a way for me to create belonging and connection with others; to find the compassion of our shared humanity.
In gratitude, Karly
Hi Karly
Beautiful insight how connecting mindfully with your own emotions translates into mindful connections with others. We’re all living on the mobius strip of reality – what appears to be outside is inside and vice versa. Keep practicing!
Interesting Article..I liked the way Eric explained the difference between being positive and being realistic.some important lessons for life.Hats off to Eric.
Thank you Mith.
You are welcome mate.keep up the good writing 🙂
I love everything you are saying .. except.. I must take issue with your use of Pollyanna as being the epitome of some hybrid, syrupy form of denial.
The author of Pollyanna, Eleanor Hodgman Porter, once said of her character, “Pollyanna did not pretend that everything was good. Instead, she represented a cheery, courageous acceptance of the facts. She understood that unpleasant things are always with us, but she believed in mitigating them by looking for whatever good there is in what is.”
I don’t think “The Glad Game” was invented to abort or subsume our natural negative feelings when life is difficult. I think it encourages the genius to, yes, feel what we feel, honor that, and then find the courage to change what we don’t like. Starting with our own assumptions and perceptions. It’s a game of “think outside the box!”
Just my $.02 in defense of an often misunderstood and unfairly maligned (not only by you!) literary character.
Your actual advice is quite splendid, so thank you!
Beth – Thank you for the literary upgrade. It’s interesting how, while it was P’s father who insisted on the distorting-rose-colored-glasses, young P got the label. Her name is one possible reason – rolls so wonderfully off the tongue. And, as you suggest, a misinterpretation of her cherry search for the good in what is conventionally termed difficult.
This is a skillful attitude as it allows for leverage and change, as you point out. There is another perspective – which in no way cancels out or demeans cherry courage – which is to not seek for the good nor push away the bad. No glasses of any color required.
Eric,
I enjoyed this article. I thought about what someone could’ve said to your boss after his statement about the negatives being opportunities: “I have a few opportunities we can talk about so we can make positive changes!”
I believe in the power of meditation since I started yoga and I’m encouraged to see you are using it in your consultations.
Your piece reminds me of a quote by Yvon Chouinard, the founder of Patagonia:
Great article, I must admit some folks are a bit to Pollyanna in their thinking. However I still think there is a place for being positive, especially as you say if the reality of the situation is still being considered. Instead of brushing aside the bad situations, I like to try and find a way to make the best of a bad situation, or at least turn the situation around with a realistic solution. I just love it when supposedly “realistic” people harp on the negative side of a problem, not realizing that they are really just focusing on what is negative instead of turning the problem on it’s head for a solution.
Psychologically, you can’t see the positive at all if your mind only focuses on the negative. Are there bad things that happen? Of course, but only negative people fail to become motivated enough to find a way to fix the problem – just my opinion but it works for me!
The idea of “using positivity to protect yourself from difficult experiences,” is a very interesting concept that I actually cannot relate to at all — I have a tough time staying positive at all, even a little bit. The idea that I could potentially shield myself with too much positivity — when my problem is probably something more like I’m shielding myself with too much *negativity* — is almost mind-blowingly foreign.
Greg
Thanks for your honesty.
There are many layers here for all of us. I recall Rumi’s line (paraphrasing) that “Beyond right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field – I’ll meet you there.”
You can substitute the words positive and negative for right-wrong. When the mind sets up barriers and divisions – it becomes the victim of its own divisiveness.
The question for us is – what is that field? It’s beyond the conflict based patterns of the mind – but not in some heaven or astral plane. Tonight I’d suggest that the field is the undefended heart – state of being in which all life experiences are workable. Nothing is forsaken or rejected.
That doesn’t mean that things go easily or according to my wishes and whims – ha! Rather it means that I don’t have to protect myself from the actual experience I’m having. I can experience life completely. In that complete experience is freedom. Again, thank you and stay in touch.
The “positive” sheen protects us from having to raise our standards and hold ourselves, or anyone else, accountable. As long as we hide behind positive, we never really have to plant ourselves firmly and admit that we can raise our standards, do better and actually develop ourselves more than we want to.
Having a higher standard than the “leaders” around us makes for a lot of discomfort for anyone not fully and firmly planted in boundaries, accountability and handling confrontation. Accountability is scary! Accountability requires us to be fully adult, and our culture is not designed to produce adulthood.
We have so little practice in developing our ability to handle these difficulties that we never fully develop anything! When difficulty arises and we need competency, especially when these conflicts involve others, instead of skill what shows up in us is our incompetency. In groups, most people will do what it takes to look good, not what takes courage or character. Thus, our cycle of non-development and incompetency continues until we invoke our own standards and decide to do better.
Let’s drive the stake in the road and decide to do better!