I was talking to a friend recently, and he was explaining how he was struggling to get clear on his business message. I asked him what he had so far, and he told me.
“Hmmm… that seems pretty clear to me. And good. I’m not really getting where you’re stuck.”
As he started to explain, I interrupted him (rude, I know, but hey, I’m not perfect.)
“I totally get it. I see where you’re stuck. Tell me if this clicks for you…”
So I’m going to tell you the same thing I told him. Tell me if it clicks for you.
You’re Trying to Convince The Wrong People
Actually, anyone you have to convince is the wrong person. But what my friend was doing, and you might be doing, too, is crafting your message with the least likely, most-resistant person in mind.
You know, that person who is skeptical of everything you do, on the outer edges of your market, who probably won’t like anything you say?
One metric ton of fear offgases every second from the countless hordes of entrepreneurs across all the continents on the globe who do just that. “Oh my God, I can’t say that, they’ll hate me!”
Don’t do that. Don’t write, speak, or teach to that person. You don’t have to ignore them, just don’t make them your main audience.
For a little more, let me explain something about magnetics and groups.
The Magnetics in Group Dynamics
When I was going through my Sufi spiritual teacher training, I learned that in every group, when an issue comes up, individuals will “pole” that issue. Someone will pole the “negative” and someone will pole the “positive.”
Let’s say you’re teaching about spirituality in business (strange topic, I know), and the whole “resistant to spirituality” issue comes up in the group. What will generally happen is that one or two people who hold that issue the most strongly will then magnetically scoop up all the odds and ends of that issues for the group.
If you try to confront those people head-on, or if you just try to be nice-nice and teach to those people hoping to convince them, it’s like battling the entire group. Because you are.
Don’t do that. Instead, find the folks who are the most open to what you’re doing in the group, the ones who are receptive and eager, and teach to them. That will help to balance out the energy, and all what you’re teaching to enter the group heart.
You don’t have to ignore the people who are resistant, you can witness and empathize with those who are struggling. Just don’t treat them like they are the most important people in the room.
Scale It Up
From a smaller teaching situation to your entire market, it’s the same dynamic. Who are the people who are most receptive to what you want to say, the true message of your heart and business? Think of them, and then craft your message to reach them.
It’s so much easier to speak to people who are eager for what you have than to be so rude as to cram something down someone’s throat. Since I’ve already interrupted somebody in the third paragraph, let’s lay off the rudeness for now.
Two questions to answer in the comments: who was the person you were writing to that had you paralyzed- sketch that person out for us. And then sketch out the receptive audience member, the person who is eager for your message. I’d love to see both side-by-side. 🙂
Tell me about it below in the comments.
p.s. Still scared about selling?
There are about a dozen or so little shifts that help make selling, and charging your right price, an easy thing for your heart. Learn them, and you can start gaining new clients immediately who want to pay you what you really want to charge.
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21 Responses
1st Comment in?
1st off the Mark? we’ll see when i hit submit!
anyway I’m responding to this latest bulletin and the piece before this one – about when they don’t say “Yes”
I totally agree with what you’re saying here about approaching the right or wrong people – the open or the hardcore opposition … why bang your head against a brick wall when you can rest it on a velvet pillow, right?
Annnnnd, what if, unlike the friend you refer to here, your message is NOT truly clear yet?
What if you don’t even know who it’s for? What if you don’t really know who’s your tribe?
What if you don’t like being pigeon-holed or put in a box? What if maybe your potential tribe are the same? How on earth are you supposed to find them, communicate with them/ ask them in their own words what’s their pain/what do they want – and then craft a message & create products and programs tailored to serve them if you don’t know where to find them?
What if they don’t congregate? What if they all say something different?
What if they relish being different – except when they don’t? What if they’re just absolutely impossible?!! 🙂
Help!
Hi Annie- yup, first comment. 🙂 Understanding your message isn’t about being pigeon-holed or put in a box, or putting anyone in a box. It is about understanding identity- how people identify themselves, what they care about, and what they struggle with. If you don’t have a) something you solve or b) people you are trying to reach, then you are going to struggle with your business.
Have you read “The Heart-Centered Answer to ‘What do you do?'”: http://heartofbusiness.com/the-core/
great question!
the first person, with the resistance, that would be my ex. though really, under our struggles with partners is usually our parents so that’s true too. but i would hear it in his voice.
the new people, who are eager to hear, is my kids’ generation, the sharp 20 somethings who are eager to learn. i picture my son and a couple of his friends there in front of me and write to them. whole different experience, hole different voice.
i have had many people ask me eagerly for the book i’m writing, people i have taught, but they are so many it’s hard to picture them. lately when i realized it was my kids’ friends, that’s when it’s taken off.
thanks mark.
betty
Nice, Betty- isn’t that a switch? 🙂
Mark, I was disturbed by what you said you learned in your Sufi spiritual teacher training. I’m one of those people who only ask questions (and they may sound skeptical) when I’m truly interested in what an instructor is teaching. My intention is to open a dialogue, not to be oppositional. If I’m resistant or turned off, I tune out and say nothing.
I’ve had instructors do what you’re suggesting: ignore me while they address their remarks to those who unquestioningly agree with them. That kind of attempted intimidation infuriates me, particularly when it comes from a man who thinks he can bully a woman into silence and conformity that way. I wonder why he’s so threatened, and what weaknesses he’s trying to hide.
While I’m sure you would never behave that insensitively yourself, your words could be interpreted as condoning that kind of tactic–and I think that’s wrong. I welcome questions from students (or prospects) that give me a chance to make my case, not only to the skeptic but to those who are already inclined to agree with me. If it becomes clear from the exchange that the questioner just wants to yank my chain, I’ll call him out on it and move on. In my experience, groups quickly become hostile toward members they perceive to be “out to make trouble” and are relieved when an instructor deals with the problem directly.
I wonder if there’s a cultural issue here . . .
Hi Anne- I think the issue is that I didn’t communicate it well enough. I’m certainly not, nor did my teachers, advocate ignoring sincere questions- I love questions. And we’re not talking about people who agree. There is a distinct difference between people who have sincere questions/pushback from a place of respect and inquiry, and those who just don’t like you, are suspicious of what you’re doing, and are actively mentally resistant to what you’re saying.
The folks I had in mind when I wrote this, and for much of our audience, and the folks we taught at Sufi school, are people who aren’t confident in their teaching- many of them women- and aren’t that confident in front of a group. The vast majority of folks who are starting small businesses are lacking that confidence- not just in teaching, but in marketing as well. By focusing on the people who are suspicious or actively antagonistic to their message, they paralyze themselves and never step out.
For someone who is an experience teacher with a lot of confidence, there are many more things to be aware of in the teaching dynamic, including some of the ones you mentioned. I hope this helps to quell any worries you have- please keep asking and pushing back if something I wrote wasn’t clear to you. Audience is everything, eh? 🙂
Thanks for your explanation, Mark, and it does alleviate my concerns. I guess it’s like qualifying prospects: spend your time and energy on those who are ready to buy and interested in what you offer, not those who aren’t ready, are tire-kickers, or don’t like the color of your eyes.
You’re welcome, Anne- glad you stuck with me- and that you stood up and asked when it landed funny.
WOW – did this ever hit home! I’ve been developing my articulate but way too lengthy written and spoken communications for the skeptics/cynics (representing and internalizing my entire family!) The light just went on – thank you Mark. I’m going to write and speak to those who are receptive, not those I want to convince – and the rest can enjoy my work when and if they get it on their own!! Another kind of freedom!! More affirmation that I’m not crazy to be flying cross-country to attend your Sacred Moment workshop. Can’t wait to work with you (as a Recovered Resistant myself). Patricia Dee, SEED Strategies
Mark –
I have experienced this same phenomenon teaching workshops and classes. In my early days I’d get sucked into the outliers and so would the whole class and it , well, was an energy drain on everyone. It also empowered the skeptic. I’ve found a healthy skeptic won’t suck much energy, but an unhealthy, contracted skeptic is like plugging an meter on a Sunday.
The main difference in the two:
the paralytic responder:
I’m trying to convince a contracted sceptic who would rather be seated in their intellectual self and past knowledge than drop into an expansive potential experience (usually due to habit more than fear).
the enthusiastic responder:
Someone who is ready to shift. Either they are experienced with growth and potentiality, or they are simply ready. The simply ready person has an inkling that there is something more than they are currently experiencing and they are looking for the right guidance. The experienced person has an ear for the complexity and depth I offer.
very helpful exercise.
Hi Cate- It’s so true, eh? I’m looking forward to meeting you later this month!
Oh man, this is exactly my problem! I’ve always been a geek, and the sort who lives on the internet as much as in the real world, so taking critics head-on is second-nature to me. But honestly, I don’t enjoy it. Being right is no where near as great as we make it out to be.
The first question, well, there’s several people like that, but the one that sticks out in my mind is the guy who went right to the Randi Challenge when I said I’d finally decided to go to acupuncture school, followed closely by the guy whose reaction to this news was to “inform” me that acupuncture was completely made up by Maoists. Note that both of these guys said absolutely nothing as I was struggling to make a choice about acupuncture school vs. continuing on in molecular biology vs. going to medical school, so they were worse than useless in the end.
For the second question, my favorite people to talk to about what I do are people who see Traditional Chinese Medicine as a new (to them) perspective on a familiar set of problems and want to get into how it works and where it fits in with what biomedicine understands about human beings – these folks always have awesome questions and brilliant insights. I can talk to them all day without feeling tired.
I think we get stuck on the first group because we want specific members of that group to believe in us. I’ve lost friends because I decided to be an acupuncturist and it still hurts that they chose an abstract principle over this here human being. But finding new people to argue with won’t bring them back, won’t make them capable of valuing me as a person again. I just. . . don’t always remember that, I guess.
I’m so glad you made the choice, Brynn, and sailed past (with whatever bumps there were) past those two. The challenge is to keep remembering, eh? 🙂
I have been struggling with this too. I’m going through a shift in who my best people to work with are and now I’m having a hard time finding this new audience.
I can understand that- it can be challenging. Don’t let up!
Hey Mark
Thank You, Yes, I worked through
Hey Annie- there are two ways to get to market- and the most powerful is to combine both. The first has to do with being clear about who you are reaching- the who-who-what. The second is to create a “cult of personality” if you will- where people follow you because you are you. Some people can do this second one very easily- for others it feels like a put-on. And, it still helps tremendously to get clear on the problem and the identity of the people you are wanting to serve. It’s the hardest thing in business- and once you are clear on it- everything else is so much easier. Don’t let up!
Interesting. I notice the energetics of saying what I do into a group of people who aren’t my ‘Tribe’ – it kind of comes out of my mouth and just evaporates in the air. It doesn’t land or resonate. If I only went into those kind of environments, I’d feel pretty hopeless!
BUT when I’m with my Tribe, they gravitate towards that same message and gobble it up and feed it back to me and affirm it – and affirm what I’m up to.
A great way of spotting who our Tribe (niche) is! 🙂
Thanks, Mark
Hey Corrina- I totally have had the same experience. “Wow, maybe I’m not so cool. Maybe what I do is worthless.” is the inevitable thought that escapes in those situations- and it is… to those people. 🙂
Hey Mark, your post is what I’ve been wrestling with for the past month. Thank you for your good ideas here… good timing.
A few people have entered my vintage furniture shop with noses upraised, actually saying to one another, “Well, you know what they say: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” Others come in, eyes sparkling, and say, “So many treasures here!”
Which one of these two groups should my market be? You answered it very well.
Last week I wrote a rhythm and blues song, “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure,” taking the sting out of the first group’s comments to say, Yes, that’s true.
Right on! Way to catch your reactions, Margaret.