I realize that I get caught in a trap: a trap of being reactionary. There is so much pop-spirituality-business stuff out there promoting a “feel happy be successful” agenda that I realize I sometimes take the opposite stance. I tend to make radical and off-putting statements like:
- Neediness is your doorway to abundance, and poverty consciousness can be your healthiest choice.
- Letting yourself grieve moves you forward more quickly.
- You have no control over what happens, you can’t force it to work.
- Freedom is a lie.
I think I tend to shoot myself in the foot with these, because, really, who the heck wants to hear these messages? It’s so much easier and nicer to hear “just be happy and everything you want will come your way.”
Here’s my problem: I have an internal integrity monitor and it’s hard, physically uncomfortable, for me to not be straight with people. You know those sitcoms where someone lies to someone else and it creates shenanigans? I can’t stand watching them, my body just feels gross watching it.
My deeper intention is to help you find freedom and happiness. I want your business to be easier for you. I want you to impact the world and make a difference. I want your heart to be immersed in love.
But I just don’t want to fake you out, or sell you a bill of goods. I physically need to be honest with you.
And honest for me is pulling the cover back on the backwards and upside-down way spirituality in business is often presented. I’m willing to say that not everyone is meant to be a millionaire, and that being financially successful is no indicator of spiritual attainment. Neither is being poor, but that’s a different discussion.
Here’s my commitment to you: I will share what I know to be true, always. I will pull no punches. If something is hard, I’ll tell you it’s hard. If I think a full day of spiritual retreat is what’s needed and that five minutes probably won’t cut it, that’s what I’ll tell you.
The spiritual path is challenging. The path in business is challenging. There are mistakes, pains, heartaches, frustrations, and weeping enough for plenty. Life is like that.
And yet, there is also tremendous joy, and sublime feelings of heart-fullness that can’t be described in words. Love and compassion and transcendence beyond description.
And you can make your business work without betraying your heart. Without manipulating anyone, without indulging in spiritual materialism. That the spiritual/business strategy combination work I want to support you in will help you in your business profoundly.
It just won’t resemble a vending machine, “Put in a prayer, get out a candy bar.”
See–I can’t resist that. You know it won’t be a vending machine. You know there’s a Grand Mystery involved in all of this. And yet there are so many gifts.
Anyway, just had to get that off my chest. Happiness, joy, abundance. Definitely I want them for you. Definitely they are available.
Just don’t expect me to sugarcoat the path forward–it has sweetness enough in surprising ways.
65 Responses
As a little boy once so wisely noted, “If you want to be happy all the time, stay in your pajamas and watch cartoons all day.”
I’m not inclined to believe that the purpose of living is to be happy, or even cheerful. I am more inclined toward the notion that the purpose of living is to create meaning.
Patti- yes, absolutely. Happiness is a by-product, sometimes, even often, but it’s not the purpose.
Mark,
I so love your thoughts on this, especially “it
Mark,
Great article. Slight suggested tweak … don’t see your internal integrity monitor as “a problem”. It’s a gift – to you and those of us you help along this path. Well… guess we could say it’s a “good problem to have” 🙂
This life and doing business is not easy. It comes with lessons and growth. At times, this will be painful. It requires hard work. We need more leaders to acknowledge this – even if it doesn’t sell as much as “5 Easy Secrets to…”
Your intention to serve others on their own path to greater freedom and service shines forth in every word you write and speak – no sugar coating needed. Thank you.
Mollie
Yes, yes, yes. I think I sometimes put people off my programs and other offerings in this exact same way. I tell them up front, you know what? It’s going to be hard work … AND the results are so worth it!
Yet so many others are out there talking up their material with “it’s easy!” and all those other empty promises.
There are no end runs. And at the same time, doing hard work doesn’t mean struggling. It just means digging in, being willing to look inside, being willing to look at what you might not want to know – because that’s how much you’re willing to show up for what you really want; for what’s true for you.
Hear Hear, Patti!
And thank you so much Mark for being who you are and how you are – a truly calm centre in the maelstrom of business chaos out there.
You honesty in this post touched me deeply, as always. And your teachings have turned my life around, not just my business.
I wouldn’t want your message any other way. It is real, it is thought-provoking and continues to remind us that the responsibility lies with us, not some cheap trickery.
Peace to your heart, from mine
Emma
Wow, Mark. I am fairly new to your blog and your work, but this post is by far my favorite up til now. I really appreciate how you talk about needing to be honest and staying in integrity.
I am currently dancing with another integrity issue: raising my fees but staying in alignment with my mission. At Lift Off, I realized that I serve no one if I don’t honor my work financially (haven’t raised my fees in six years). And yet bringing my fees into alignment with my expertise and experience leaves some people behind, not able to afford my services. Because I work with people committed to social change, and I also consider myself a social change agent, I absolutely need to feel like I am in alignment with basic social justice principles, and able to help those who are less privileged than many of us are. So it’s a tricky dance. Anyway, this is off-topic…perhaps you can point me to previous blogs where you engage this topic, or maybe address it in a future one.
Thank you for your writing. This post teaches me that perhaps the most vulnerable and powerful thing to do is to be transparent with our own struggles as businesspeople, as spiritual beings. Onward.
I’m with you, Mark. Inner work is hard, and it’s a lifelong path. Why pretend anything else?
And I’m of the belief that 99% of the people selling “easy” aren’t walking an easy path themselves. It’s just what they’ve learned they’re supposed to say to get clients.
Thank God there are people like you who go into the deeper truths and help those of us who sometimes judge ourselves for NOT being able to make things as “easy” as we are “supposed to.”
I feel so grateful that you’re speaking from the true heart and talking about real transformation.
And between you and me, those sitcom and movie plots that involve compounding of lies make me physically ill, too.
I want to yell at the characters, “stop making yourselves miserable and just tell the truth!”
Thankfully, that’s not the life you and I and our communities have to live.
Hi there,
Thank you for this – it’s just so very refreshing to see these words on paper (you know what I mean). I sat in a meeting today in my corporate morning job listening to people talking about “sense-checking” (=finding out if something made sense?) and teams “not having the bandwith”(=can’t?) to do such and such. I knew I was getting frustrated when the head I wanted to hit against the wall wasn’t my own!! Business -speak is such complete and utter nonsense a lot of the time. And it always has to be positive! Even the negative bits.
There is a columnist on the London Financial Times called Lucy Kellaway who is just fantastic. She is bright, incisive and doesn’t seem to be too bothered about upsetting corporates – she tries to prick their bubbles of nonsense. She makes me laugh out loud – have a look at her blog if you need a smile.
I digress – thank you for your honesty Mark. Please do not apologise for doing it and please don’t ever stop doing it.
Ettaline
Oh Mark, and this is why we love and listen to you! Because you don’t sugar coat things and tie them up in neat bundles…because you let your beautifully imperfect pain and wisdom show, always…because you call us out when needed, remind us of the bigger Truth behind the pretty “truthiness” and hold out a lantern to our own deep divinity. Thanks for all of this, and have a great retreat.
Namaste
I’m finally realizing “Who the heck would WANT to be happy all the time?” –I mean a deep joy/peace/trust/connection, that’s different, but “Happiness” only…sadness, anger and all those other wonderful, powerful emotions and ways of being we’d miss out on if we were only “happy”. I think what I want is to experience the fullness of being/feeling human…when I’m aware/present to all that, I’m feeling fully alive. And that rocks.
And this is exactly why I look forward to your weekly wisdom Mark. I have no interest or use for a sugar-coated path. I am learning to embrace more and more the richness and beauty of all of life’s range of emotions and experiences. Instead of trying to negate 50% of which society has deemed bad/undesirable/negative. I have learned from experience that by doing that I limit my ability to learn and grow from the full spectrum that life has to offer.
So keep up that sugar-free content my friend! 😉
Sugar coating is where many have lived for so long because it is everywhere – it is so addictive – sugared cereals, sugared people – just sprinkle some sugar on your personality, on your donuts, why not your television screens. Watch problems disappear! Sprinkle some over your glasses, politicians are sugar coated, so are talk shows –
so are hosts of cooking shows – sweet and addicting.
Passion, persistence, personality burns through sugar and reveals itself in the sunlight.
I love this because a huge component of my work is helping people heal from sugar addiction! (learn more at http://www.sugaraddictionbook.com)
So thinking about how many of us are literally and symbolically addicted to sugar fascinates me…
I rest in how nature points out that it takes both daylight and darkness to make a complete day.
You made me smile, Eric!
Warmly, Karly
Mark,
I think that this stance that you take in presenting yourself and HOB is what makes you stand out from a lot of the other people out there who are business coaches and consultants. It
Mark, you wrote: “…really, who the heck wants to hear these messages?”
I do.
I not only want to hear these messages, I *need* to hear these messages.
The reason I keep coming back to your writing, both online and in the products I’ve bought is that you, compassionately, tell it how it is. Complex, challenging, sometimes messy, heart-breaking and heart-filling.
There is SO much snake-oil out there. I love that you not only stand against that, you support all of us in standing up for what’s real, even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.
Blessed Be
Helen
Helen- thanks for the vote of confidence. I’ll keep it coming…
I LOVE the post that advises to honor your expertise by asking for what you are worth. Such a freeing way to be! It helps me to keep in mind that most of my clients have to deal with selling themselves in some way. But it’s with the issue of abundance that there has been so much disregard for living in a way that puts one in the natural flow of source where abundance is a natural outcome. This takes WORK for most of us! Work on ourselves. Compassion and honesty cannot co-exist with a single-minded desire to only make money. Mark, great post!
Thanks Mark- much appreciated.
Hear hear to all! Love your honesty, Mark. As others say, that’s why I turn to you. I have watched many of my colleagues have coaches who talk as if life is a simple matter to get “6figure days.”. My friends end up ashamed and disheartened. You point out a much more true way. Thank you.
Have fun in you Sacred Seminar Workshop. Having done it last year I can vouch for it’s efficacy.
Sending love
Deirdre
Deirdre- Thanks for your kind words- it’s an honor to know you, my dear.
Great post, Mark. That’s why I’m here. Can’t wait to dig in deeper to the other posts “that nobody wants to hear.”
I guess you already kinda know, or are finding out – yes we do, and we appreciate you for saying it.
Best, Leisa
Leisa! You’re so welcome. We’ll be digging…
I’m pretty sure it’s called “inner WORK” for a reason. 🙂 I like to say that while I do take it seriously, I don’t take it lugubriously. As someone noted above, it doesn’t have to be drudgery but there are always tedious aspects to it. One of my favorite old monastic sayings is: “You can tell how a person prays by how they sweep the cloister.”
Patti- 🙂
I take this to mean that the work that I can do from inside my happy place is not necessarily the work that I’m here to do.
I hope you know how much I appreciate your teaching and your truth telling (which are actually the same thing).
As Hafiz would say — put another log on the fire, brother. Let’s get toasted in here!
Kathy- so wonderful to see you here, my dear. It’s been a long time since we’ve connected. And yes- let’s get toasted!
When it comes to who I want in my life, I value truth and authenticity above all. You score a “10” in both departments which is why I’d never want you to be other than true to your authentic self! If that means no sugar-coating, fantastic.
I think we all value truth and authenticity in others whether we’re conscious of that fact or not. If the truth about someone isn’t easily or readily perceived at the beginning, it will eventually out, and if it doesn’t resonate with us, then we tend to stop associating with that person.
You and Andrea Hess are a few of the true bright lights in the online business coaching/marketing world. Keep shinin’!
Karen- a TEN! I don’t know if I’ve ever been a ten… 🙂 Thank you for that, my dear. Andrea Hess- nice to mention her here. You should drop a link in.
I’m with you but I also feel enormously frustrated by people looking to buy the quick, cheerful fix.
There’s a reason all that stuff is out there. Most people want the quick fix and spend billions on trying to find it even when the true answer is right in front of them and a hell of a lot cheaper.
Susan
Susan- I know. I think so many people are so shut down and hurting that they are really needing hope- and in place of grounded hope, they reach for what’s being offered. Hope is medicine. And yes, it’s cheaper.
Mark —
This post is just another example of why I have such tremendous respect and appreciation for you and what you bring to the world. You’ve been that sane ‘voice in the wilderness’ for many years.
Even when I was immersed in the high-intensity, testosterone-driven culture of on-line marketing and entrepreneursihp, I continued to stay connected to what you were saying and doing — it kept me grounded in the ‘real world’.
These days, in my current space of transition and recalibration of almost every aspect of my life and business, I’m eliminating the clutter and distractions and only keeping what’s real and relevant and true.
I always look forward to knowing what you’re engaged in and thinking about and how you express yourself with authenticity, humor and that big open heart of yours. It definitely helps me stay connected to my own integrity and truth.
Thank you! Keep on keepin’ on.
Warmly,
Nancy G.
Nancy- thank you so much. so glad to hear of your recalibration. I think we all need that from time-to-time. I’m in a Masters of Divinity program to help retune myself.
Thanks for being vulnerable and honest. Happiness is such a hot topic right now. I’m actually addressing it in a series of articles myself.
It’s crazy how many people believe they are supposed to be HAPPY all of the time. So much so that they take pills so they don’t have to address the fact that “into every life a little rain must fall.” (Can’t remember who said that).
If we pay attention, it is our rainbow of emotions that leads on our spiritual journey from one level of expansion to the next.
Anyway, Thanks for keeping it real Mark, I always enjoy your musings.
~Schelli
Schelli- isn’t it crazy? Pills for happiness… sigh…
The fact that you are so real… and that you are so devoted to integrity and telling the truth…. even when the truth might be hard… is one of the reasons I absolutely ADORE you!!!
And you always present your musings on these difficult subjects in such a big hearted, kind and gentle way. Which makes them MUCH easier to take in.
I don’t trust those “put in a prayer get out a candy bar” gurus, because I know that that message of constant ease is a childlike fantasy that keeps people stuck in unrealistic expectations more than it helps them.
I can’t tell you how many folks I’ve worked with who feel so BAD about themselves because the doors to success or whatever it is they desire are not just flying open for them with the ease that they have been promised.
And when they hear about what I like to call “the hard work miracle” it allows them to just relax …. and ultimately get to work!!
Thanks, as always for your wisdom and your vulnerability. And your commitment to a life of compassionately pulling no punches in the service of greater joy and love.
It’s mooooochewal, Chris, moooochewal. So glad you’re on the planet doing the good work.
Here, here (and there, there!) to telling it like it is.
This is a fabulous stream of shared feeling and truth – thank you all.
Chris – love the “hard work miracle!” Really resonating for me, and letting me breathe as I continue the hard work and leave the rest in the hands of the Divine.
OMGoodness- I’m so touched, all of you. I want to give you each a big hug.
I was thinking this post would sink into obscurity, but instead you all have really helped my heart soar. Especially going into the next two days of teaching.
Hi, Mark. This really hits the mark (pun not intended, but appropriate). Reading it felt like water in the desert; it fed my soul and my whole being with Truth. Thank you!
All my love,
Siddheshwari
Siddheshwari- so wonderful to see you here! And grateful it landed this way with you.
Mark, you just did!
And here’s one right back atya!
xo
I love you Mark, because you show your ‘vulnerability’, and that’s your truth, that’s your integrity and that’s why we feel your heart and we see ourselves in there too x So we totally relate whether we like what you say or not, we KNOW it’s true :> Because we are all vulnerable at the soul level.
Your honesty reminds me of the great movie composer John Barry who when asked to hold a concert in London once said “Do you think people will come?”
Of course they will (those who are BIG enough to admit it) because they see themselves in you).
Thank you so much for being you and not being afraid to show you in business and spiritual teachings. They are both not an easy road to journey, I agree as I go down this road every day too and am constantly having to walk the talk.
I also tell people it’s not easy, cos it’s not and those sugar happy sites & marketing spiels will never get through to the heart, which is the true path. Only those who have glimpsed it will know.
Love you x
Amin, Elizabeth. Thanks for that story. 🙂
Mark, thanks for having the courage to swim against the current. Your willingness to take an unpopular stand in the name of truth puts you in some prophetic company.
I love the way you express this: the Divine, life and even business, are not vending machines where you put “x” in and get a specific payoff back.
Personally I find that “make my best effort and leave the rest to the Divine Will” , knowing the ultimate outcome isn’t up to me..that we are all part of a larger design, is a lot saner and more peace-making way to live.
Om shanti, shalom, peace,
Ellen
Ellen- here’s to a lot more sanity!
Hi Mark,
Thank you for having the integrity and courage to speak your truth. I knew there was a reason why I was originally drawn to your site and inspired to take your Momentum course last fall!
Daring to challenge the ideology of a pop-spirituality that seems more inclined to encourage ego-driven desires and victim blaming than a genuine compassion, concern and reverence for the welfare of all beings on the planet can indeed leave you feeling understandably vulnerable. Thank you for being willing to put yourself out there like that.
The world needs more people like you who refuse to sugar coat the truth. Please do keep coming out with your “reactionary” comments–they are a much needed antidote to a lot of silliness that is passing for “popular wisdom” these days.
Sue! Thank you. No sugar-coating indeed.
friend o mine, thank you for being there the way you are doing what you are doing – I am so proud I get to refer people to you, that I can say “Yeah, this is who you need to listen to” and that, when I am feeling like “if only I could be one of those law of attraction save the world people” I have you to say, “excuse me??” Have a grand retreat and let yourself be filled by all the love in that room.
Hey sister-Jen- it goes both ways, it goes both ways.
This post really hit home for me.
I’m actually someone who is a big believer in the law of attraction, and I incorporate this energetic principle in a lot of my work, but I understand that creating something takes a lot of work and it doesn’t always feel easy or effortless.
The inner work that is necessary to not suffer and struggle in life is WORK and is definitely uncomfortable.
I talk about the importance of feeling good in your life a lot, and this makes me wonder if I am doing a good enough job showing that in order to feel good in your life, you have to be willing to feel bad too. You need the contrast. It’s like light and dark. You can’t truly appreciate one without the other.
You got me thinking Mark! Thanks!
Leah- nice insight! I’d be curious what your reaction is to my workbook Backwords. With respect and open-hearted intention towards you and your work.
Wonderful blog post Mark. I (and others like me) appreciate your honesty and integrity.
That’s why I hired you.
Looking forward to meeting this weekend for The Sacred Moment.
Josh- It’s all done with mirrors- so honored to be supporting you, brother.
Mark,
One of the things I have always loved about you is your integrity, honesty and balance (honoring the paradox of the spiritual/human life.) It’s why I choose to read your words and your teachings….
Thank you for being YOU.
I often feel like the other lone voice talking about the power of grief/accepting what we can’t change, how our human neediness is something to be cherished, and the freedom of conscious limits. (In fact, the therapy that I teach to heal food addiction, growing human(kind)ness, has these 3 teachings as essential practices.)
So to know that there are other souls like you walking a similar path and speaking the same language – I can’t tell you how much it makes me feel less alone, particularly when I’m traveling through a dark night of the soul, as I did this past year.
No one makes me fall of my chair like you do – you often write/speak to what is also in my heart. It feeds my belonging and often my clarity. I often say, “YES!” outloud while reading your work, as my understanding deepens in reading about your process.
I think what you teach is the power of paradox, holding the creative tension of opposing ideas. So focusing only on one side of the question – as in abundance teachings – is a recipe for suffering. It’s a part, yes, but not the whole story.
And I think that by focusing only on one side of the story, we can miss out on the mystery, wonder and beauty of life.
What I have learned this year is how what I wouldn’t wish on *anyone* can bring such delicious gifts. Who can separate the “good” from the “bad?” Where is the dividing line? What would we cut out?
When I look at myself, I see how the things that cause me the most difficulty – such as my high sensitivity, or bouts with depression – are *exactly* what enable me to do the work I do. Take away these “flaws,” and I’m not nearly as powerful. It’s a paradox!
There is a rightness to the Divine that I can’t always understand. And when I stop and question the belief that “it’s all my fault” when I don’t get what I want, or when I hurt, I rest in the understanding of acceptance. Of appreciating how someone wiser than myself is in charge, and resting in that. I can even move to this idea: What if I’m getting *exactly* what I need in what I “don’t want?
D.H. Lawrence said it a lot more eloquently than I when he wrote about how “Men are not free when they are doing just what they like…Men are only free when they are doing what the deepest self likes. And there is getting down to the deepest self! It takes some diving.”
This is how I try to live, and what I see in the community you’ve created here, Mark, as well as in your own life. This path is often *not* easy and takes conscious surrender. And yet, what I’m hearing you say, and what I’m saying is that following this pull of the Divine feeds our integrity, values, and heart in a way that nothing else can.
Thank you for regularly nourishing me on my personal, spiritual, and business journey. I am so glad Mark Silver is in the world, doing his heart’s work.
In gratitude, Karly
Karly- thank you! Such kind words and meaningful to me- bowing to your heart.
Hi Mark,
Glad to hear it. Like you I tend to the blunt.
You can always delete those one-liners when you edit.
In my experience people forgive us the bluntness if they know we are well intentioned. Learning to express myself graciously has taken a long time – and I’m not there yet!
I also struggle with marketing and sales language. How to present selling points and benefits without being hypey is an ongoing problem for me.
Evan- Yes, indeed. I tend to think of myself less as “blunt” which to me speaks to how something is delivered, but that I don’t pull any punches on what I’m delivering. Still- bluntness can be a virtue.
You know- I so wanted to reply to everyone who has already posted, but I need to rest up and get ready to go teach tomorrow. Please know that if I didn’t work my way to replying to your particular post, that I did read it, and took it into my heart and appreciated it deeply.
Love to everyone- and please keep the comments coming. It seems we have a bit of a groundswell for integrity, truth and lack of sugarcoating. Let’s keep making a heart-felt noise about it.
I adore your emails and posts. Yours are among the three I will make sure to read every time. They’re grounding. I am so turned off by the “inspirational” people who use their sites as a platform to get attention and feel loved rather than share something meaningful. Thank you for doing what you do.
Mark,
You are a bright light in a forest of confusion. As so many others have said, I thank you for your honesty and integrity. I can’t watch those sitcoms either. Have a wonderful retreat.
How refreshing!! I always love your perspectives! I feel so much this way myself and I tend to go over board on getting people to see that it’s not as easy as some would make you believe. I do this also because women (who are my clients) tend to blame themselves when it is harder than they have been told. They think something is wrong with them that they can’t just make things change like magic! I have to show then that it is the process that is important and not “getting over there” as our ego so wants!
Sending Love and Blessings!! Thank You1
“The way you step up your game is never to try to do what anybody else is doing…(instead) you intensify whatever it is YOU’RE doing — become more of yourself.” — Oprah Winfrey
I just heard this quote last night, and it’s such a powerful message for me — and many others here, it seems.
I mentioned above that I’ve been recalibrating. A huge part of that is returning, after many years, to what I have always been most passionate about — my singing and my music. I’m also currently developing and implementing programs that combine my two passions — music and marketing — in ways that I’ve never thought of before. It’s all about passion AND authenticity, isn’t it?
Here’s a link to hear me, if anyone is interested:
http://www.myspace.com/NancyGerber
And, another new combination of passions I’m exploring is singing positive, motivating music from the my Jazz, pop, Bossa Nova and Broadway repetoire for conferences and other events. I’ve long felt that the creative arts (especially music) could be integrated with and greatly enhance the learning/conference experience.
If anyone has any suggestions, resources, etc. — I’m wide open.
Thanks.
N. 🙂
Hi Mark-
I want to thank you for writing this and stating these thoughts. I often say the same things as you and some folks say “why be so negative”…. my response is that I am not being negative…I am being both optimistic and realistic. Living a human existence can and is tough. The goal is not to be happy….chasing happy will leave you miserable. The goal of life is individual and hopefully it involves each-one sharing their talents with the world as they were meant to be shared.
There is no shame in that and I won’t lie about that. Yes, you have to have good thoughts and good intentions…but you also have to work your ass off, be disciplined, take risks, have faith and accept that everything will not work out as you planned it but everything always works out for the best…even if it is painful.
I lose potential clients because I will not lie to them (no I cannot tell you that your biz will make $50,000 in 3 months via positive thought. Possible…yes…likely? IDK…how hard are you willing to work for the next 3 months?)…it makes me physically uncomfortable…like you, I can’t stand to watch drama and shenanigans on TV. Its a waste of time!!
As much as I appreciate books/movies like The Secret…that opened people up to the possibilities and to the Law of Attraction..I also give it a side-eye because the end result is a ever-growing pool of what I term “instant spirituality” and those who are selling IMHO false dreams and realities….
The path is work, period. no amount of positive thought only (and no corresponding action) is going to change that. Thanks!
Evelyn
http://eabplanning.com
http://fiscallyfitfashionista.com
You are so welcome- I love what you say about work being the answer. It’s true, we’re meant to serve and work. I’m so curious, given where you are coming from, what your opinion is on Backwards.