This is a guest post by Heart of Business Alumni Community Member Jenny Bones. Jenny is on a mission to teach people how to change their world with their words. Devouring everything to do with entrepreneurship and/or chocolate, she is currently hosting the first annual S’mores Summer Camp for Solopreneurs. When was the last time you roasted marshmallows by the campfire? Come check it out.
I used to like to joke that, because of my Catholic upbringing, I only had two motivators in life: Fear and Guilt. Of course, it was one of those jokes that really wasn’t that funny. Most of my jokes aren’t.
For the past two and a half years, I have been carrying around with me some monumentally intense guilt. Through a series of very unfortunate events, I had to make the gut-wrenchingly difficult decision to move away from my family and try to rebuild my life.
I love my children. They mean everything to me. I raised them with gentleness, compassion and tenderness and they blossomed into the most amazing young adults I’ve ever known.
At the time I moved away, my daughter was just graduating high school and getting ready for college. My son was going through a separation with his fiancé and they were dealing with the trials and tribulations of dissolving a romantic relationship when there’s a child involved.
They needed me.
And I couldn’t be there for them.
It was the most soul-crushing guilt I’ve ever experienced.
Nobody could soothe me. Nobody could convince me, no matter how hard they tried, that I wasn’t the worst mother who ever lived…that I did what I did because I had to, not because I wanted to. “After all,” they’d say “you moved to Detroit, not the Bahamas.” And they had an excellent point.
Through prayer, meditation and during several chakra healings, I received consistently clear messages that my family back home was being well taken care of and watched over. It would provide a moment of healing and relief from the guilt, but the moment was always fleeting. So tightly was I holding onto that guilt.
Guilt sits on your heart like a hot, crushing stone. It burns and aches and never seems to go away.
One day, during the Heart of Money course, I was on a call with Mark and he mentioned that guilt is “just an illusion.” My ears perked up. I knew that this guilt I was carrying around was holding back my business and personal relationships. But the sensation of it had become so familiar, something I could count on. It was like a comfy security blanket of self-sabotage.
So, I took a deep breath not sure if I really wanted to hear his answer, and asked Mark to explain this “guilt as illusion” thing a little more. He didn’t. Because he’s a smart cookie. Instead, he asked me to meditate on the Divine quality of patience, As-Sabur, during my Remembrance practice.
I thanked him and tried to hide my disappointment. I didn’t want to do the work myself! I wanted him to spend an hour or two explaining this concept to me in detail so I could walk off and pretend like I understood.
“OK, fine,” I resigned silently as my inner child pouted, “I’ll go and meditate on patience and try to figure out what the heck it has to do with my questions on guilt and illusion…but I really don’t think it will help.”
I practiced daily for two weeks focusing on the Divine quality of patience. And sure enough, slowly the answers began to sink in.
What is guilt? Guilt comes when I’m angry with myself.
Why are you angry with yourself? Because I haven’t been able to help my children as much as I wish I could.
What does this guilt keep you from accomplishing? I think I’m keeping things smaller than they should be because I don’t deserve the success.
But the success would allow you to help your children more? Erm, yes.
What if, instead of getting angry with yourself, you were as patient with yourself as you are with your children? …DOH!
Just like that, I got it.
I realized that if I were as impatient with my children as I had been with myself, I’d consider myself an abusive and unfit mother. No wonder I was keeping everything around me small…I had been keeping ME small!
Guilt may top fear as the single most destructive force in my life and my business.
Once I shifted all that guilt to feelings of true compassion, understanding and forgiveness, everything else around me started to shift. And I don’t mean all slow-like, I mean at lightening speed like it had just been waiting for me to come around and get it, already.
Being compassionate with ourselves is a lesson that comes in many, many forms.
I’ve learned it no less than a bazillion times already in this lifetime and I’m sure there are a few more lessons to go before I’m gone…at least I hope there are! But this particular guilt-busting lesson has seriously transformed my business in recent months…and I have the numbers to prove it.
In truth, it is the most important thing we can do not just for our businesses, but for our family, friends, clients and the entire world around us: To treat ourselves with the same gentle compassion as we would treat a newborn baby. Go ahead, give it a try. Trust me, the ROI is out-of-this-world.
What have your struggles with guilt looked like and what insights have you gained around this issue? Please share so we can all learn and grow together.
25 Responses
Jenny –
You held onto guilt. You maintained your awareness and curiosity about it. You sought wisdom from Mark. (He is indeed a smart cookie for not answering – brilliant, really.) You did the work. You released the guilt. You shared your story with us.
Thank you for all of that. That’s quite a journey! Quite a lesson! I’m so grateful for you, all that you are and how you remain in service to others. Your illusion of guilt certainly is not a burden you deserve to carry.
I really appreciate the reminder. Although I have long believed as Mark does, that guilt is just an illusion (I say, “it’s just our story”), this is still a struggle. Lately, it’s the guilty feelings of not being further along in my business, not having taken the actions to move me forward, and feeling stuck. Like you, I often turn to Mark and his team (Jason & Yollana) for guidance, and it never fails. Being in the MoneyFlow course as we speak, I’m learning two important things:
First, there is SO much I can do to move my business forward – how cool is that? I have options and choices. Proof that I’m not anywhere near a dead end.
Second, I don’t have to carry all of this by myself. I continue to be reminded that I am not alone; most importantly, I (we all) have the Divine. There is room enough for me to be exactly where I am. There is love to be found, even there.
With these two things in my heart, guilt simply makes no sense! Besides, guilt is always looking backwards. That is not the direction I’m moving. I am here and now. That’s all any of us have. My actions in the here and now are completely up to me. No guilt necessary.
You’re a brilliant soul, and an inspiration. This is a reminder I will consistently need for some time, I’m sure. You spoke to me, today, Jenny. Thank you. Today, you were the voice of the Divine for me.
Namaste, with love.
“Guilt is always looking backward.” YES!! I’ve had some serious ups and downs in my 40-something years on this planet, and the only healing I’ve ever found remotely effective is the healing effect of living in the present moment. There is such power there!
Thank you SO much, Steve, for your thoughtful reply. Seeing you always brings a smile.
Guilt as an illusion…hard to hear for yet another recovering Catholic. My version has been that the only purpose of guilt is to keep me stuck, which when I really understood the truth of that it began to unravel like a ball of wool. The truth that had been so knotted pulled apart easily in my hands leaving space for me to accept my humanity.
I appreciate the humanity in what you shared. Being compassionate with ourselves is a lesson I need to hear and experience over and over. Thanks for this beautiful reminder.
It really is/was hard to hear. And this post was not an easy one to write. But it’s exactly that, the “leaving space for me to accept my humanity” that transformed my guilt into action. I’m so grateful you’re a part of that journey, Sandi!
Jenny, thank you so much for sticking your neck out and being honest about how guilt is a lid on moving forward. One of the things I think is essential with this ‘guilt’ thing is to also descern between grief and guilt….in my inner vocabulary, grief cannot be pushed aside, while guilt is like a cloak that needs to be shed.
Yea for chocolater, clarity and shifting your narrative!
Thank you, Lizbeth! I love the distinction between grief and guilt. I cannot get over the grief of missing my kids until they are back in my arms again when I go for a visit. But I can stop letting the guilt keep me from doing what I need to do. Really important distinction!
Jenny, I appreciate this so very much! I’ll be reflecting more on the guilt thing. This is saying something to me. I can say that I reconnected with meditating thanks to you and I am feeling shifts already. Humongous shifts!
Jen, I’m SO HAPPY to hear that you’ve been meditating and that it’s working for you! That makes my heart sing like you have no idea. You just made my day 🙂 Thank you!!
really inspiriing post, yes guilt prevents us from moving foreward, its a negative emotion and can lead to lung problems if not dealt with
Thank you so much, Sara! I didn’t know that about the lung problems…even more incentive!
Jenny-
I daresay that you leaving to do what you needed to do for you was a more powerful lesson to your children than staying (and drowning) would have been. You have MODELED for them the need to care for yourself, despite (or because of?) being a parent. You are human first, a parent second. How can you continue to be a good parent if you allow your humanity to degrade?
I’m attempting to give you more fuel to tear apart the guilt if it creeps up again. 🙂
Much love to you!
Jeanie, I’ll take all the fuel I can get! Thank you for being the space for understanding and compassion.
I believe, deeply, that everything that happens in our lives is the right thing. The mama guilt–the stories connected to being a “good mother”–clouds the blessings your children may have received because you were unable to help your children as much as you wish you could.
I know mamas want to fix…and yet, you could not fix your child’s broken relationship nor his heart. Your daughter was moving into independence. Your children saw a model of someone taking care of themselves, and they had the opportunity to become stronger people in their own challenges instead of looking to you to “fix” it.
As someone whose parents came to the rescue far longer than they should have, well, all I can say is I wish they would have continued the unconditional love, but left me to figure it out. I had to learn hard lessons much later in life. Their support kept me weak.
And yes to treating ourselves at least as well as we do those we love. You are divine!
Thank you so much for this, Ellen. You’re absolutely right, we do have some pretty heavy ‘mama stories’ to contend with. My kids are doing amazingly well, daughter has a 4.0 her first year in college, son’s working hard to support and spend time with his son. I couldn’t be more proud and hope this means I did something right along the way 🙂
Your words were very soothing and I cannot tell you how much they are appreciated. Feeling very grateful for the chance to get to know you better.
Jenny, in Chinese medicine, grief (and guilt too, I suppose) are connected to the metal element, which rule the lungs, skin and large intestine. Nothing major, huh? Just breathing, protection, digestion and elimination.
What a beautiful article. Thanks!
Love and light,
Sue
Wow…that’s really not something to mess around with! I have a dear friend who has struggled with some serious guilt since his childhood…20 years ago the removed most of his large intestine. Very sad. Thank you, Sue.
The mama guilt
You are so right, Perry. Thank you!
Thanks for a great post, Jenny!
I keep having to learn that lesson of compassion and forgiveness over and over (short memory, slow learner or both!)
I’ve since realized that being a mother, just like anything else, is a process. Every moment is new. Sometimes we let it go by, other times we find new rewarding ways to relate to each other.
(And that illusion of guilt is one of the most damaging illusions I know!)
It truly is one of the most damaging, Lynne. And I don’t think we’re slow learners 🙂 I think we maybe learn a new and deeper level of this truth with every lesson. At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it LOL
Your children saw a model of someone taking care of themselves, and they had the opportunity to become stronger people in their own challenges instead of looking to you to
Thank you, Julia. I continue to watch them grow and become stronger individuals, they continue to amaze me, so I think you must be right.
Lynne referred me to this post and I read it again, though now I see that I did read it before. I struggle with this issue myself with my 10 year old son, mostly, who seems to be on a parallel learning path to me, with regard to anxiety and overwhelm. He is truly my teacher at times. Lately he has been on me for not being “in the moment” and he doesn’t read any of those self help books, it is just something he knows. But at other times his anxiety can be incredibly trying and when I feel like I don’t respond the “right” way, I get caught up in tremendous guilt. Your words and the words of others who have posted here, remind me that it is not about “fixing” it for him, but it is about being there for him and allowing him to learn how to manage himself. Such a hard lesson for me. I too, was overly protected as a child in some ways.
Anyway, yaaaah for your reminder to make sure you as a parent are nourished first. And also the reminder to meditate and work on our own inner supports. (and chakra work is amazing, isn’t it?)
That age is a tough one. He’s still young enough to feel like a child to you, but old enough to feel like a young man to him. Gah, transitions. He’s lucky to have you, Erika, and you him! Sending loving hugs to you both today.
And omg, yes! Chakra work…I’m actually overdue for some.
Its good…I felt pretty reading this post,…
clipping path