I woke up to the sound of rain on the skylight in our bedroom. It was 2:30am, and I just listened to it for a while.
Rain for me has a special significance. My wife Holly and I met in California, where we had each lived for more than a decade. When I first visited Oregon back in 2002 it was in January. I was staying at a friend’s house in Beavercreek, watching the rain come down on the pine trees.
So rich, so lush. I felt like I was a sponge, making up for years of being in a desert. California had dried me out.
It took me more than seven years in Oregon before I started to say, “Hmmm… maybe it would be okay if the rain decided to stop in early June instead of July.” But mostly I still enjoy the rain.
Once I was sitting with my sheikh before a teaching session, and it was just him and I, with others in the background. I accidentally knocked a glass of water over on the floor. I felt horrified and embarrassed. He leaned over to me with a sweet smile. “Not to worry, this is Allah’s blessing on you. Spilling water is a blessing from Al Hayy, Allah is the Living.”
The healing that brought to my heart still brings tears to my eyes when I think of it. It was one of the many steps I’ve made into being comfortable in my own skin, being okay with seeming imperfections, and learning more and more to trust the Divine in timing, in manifestation, on the journey.
I won’t say I don’t get frustrated at times, because I do. I yearn for the sun through the dark, cloudy Oregon skies in April, after 6 months of rain.
But it’s October, and the rains have just returned. I feel grateful. I feel loved. I feel a peace in my heart.
That’s why I love the rainy season. You’ll understand why I’m writing about rain when you read the article below.
Before I get to the article, I want to remind you of a few things:
First, like last year, I’m speaking at Living the New Economy, in Victoria, B.C. Unlike last year, Stream of Consciousness has a tremendously advanced set-up to do live streaming, and the entire conference is available globally for a fraction of the price of attending live. You can buy a ticket for just a day, or you can get the whole week. I know it’s going to be extraordinary.
Read more and register here: Living the New Economy and use the coupon code “silver10” to get a further discount for being part of our community.
Second, our Foundations November cohorts start in a little over a week. If you’d love your business to be in a radically different place by the end of April, November is the time to start. Get a running start on the new year. And check out either Foundations1: Clients and Money or Foundations2: Expand Your Reach.
And if you’re curious which is for whom, why don’t you take a look at our Training Programs page and see how they all fit together.
Finally, remember that this is the last month that Unveiling the Heart of Your Business will be available, ever. If you’re curious why I’m retiring my first book/program click here. If you just want to take a look at it and see if you want to grab it before it’s gone, click here.
And now, as the rain continues falling, onto the topic at hand.
Article: Why you don’t deserve a successful business
This past Friday I was facilitating our every-other-month Virtual Retreat for our Community, and during one of the calls a question came up from someone about how hard she was on herself for not meeting her own expectations.
My intuitive hit was for her to not try and process that, and instead to “seek out that which delighted her.” My Sufi path talks about the healing powers of simply looking on beauty, especially beauty in the natural world, and how what delights the eye can heal the soul.
This resonated strongly with her, but brought up some resistance and a further question. “But Mark,” she asked, “I hear a voice in me telling me that I need to work harder, that I don’t deserve the delight.”
This was a problem.
The problem with deserving
Someone spoke about having worked with a healer just the previous day, telling her that things weren’t working because she didn’t feel she deserved them. I sighed.
I want to correct a notion around deserving. The idea that we deserve or we don’t deserve is a false notion, actually. It’s an attempt by the ego to create safety through control. Somehow, the thoughts in our mind go, if I’m just more of something (work harder, am thinner, eat better, believe correctly, etc.) then I will finally deserve.
So painful. Notice that all the ways to deserve are essentially ways to control the self with blame and self-judgment.
The antidote is to realize that there is nothing that you or I can do that can earn anything from the Divine. The Divine, non-personified, is the Complete Wholeness of Everything. Source. There is nothing that is separate from the Divine, therefore there is nothing we can do to add to the Divine, and so there is nothing we can “pay” to the Divine to “earn” deserving, even something as seemingly innocuous as “believing we deserve.”
Humbling, isn’t it? Also freeing.
One caveat
There are useful moments in the development of the ego where “deserving” has its place. Someone may not feel empowered enough to, for instance, take what is being offered. There’s a ripe peach hanging on a tree, but feeling permission or empowered is missing, and so we leave the peach hanging. Or we don’t ask people to sign up to work with us, or to stick around for 6 sessions, or whatever it is, because we don’t have that sense of empowerment.
Even so, it’s more effective to travel that road with humility. We can say we “deserve” the peach or the client, or we can say, “That peach is hanging there ripe. If no one picks it, it will go to waste. Who am I to refuse (humility) the gift of the Divine?” Or, “The client needs the help. If I don’t advise them strongly to get the six sessions, they will stay stuck in illness. When I am deeply in service, (humility) caring for their best outcome, I want them to get the help.”
There is a power that rises up within you out of this healthy sense of humility. You can move mountains, you can develop an extremely successful business. By being fiercely in service.
One big insight that came through for me, again , was that with a growing team at Heart of Business, my role is to be fiercely in service (humility, again) to the health of the whole company, and not try to take care of each team member’s individual needs. A healthy company will easily care for all the team members.
That humility enables me to make clear decisions from strength, without worrying in an unhealthy way about each person’s approval.
Seek out delight instead of trying to deserve
There is so much pain in this world, and many urgent needs. You can most effectively and beautifully meet these needs, and meet the needs of your business, with a full heart.
One wonderful way to fill your heart is to seek out delight. Delight in the natural world. Delight in the company of loved ones. Delight in the small miracles in the world around us.
Then, with that delight, step forward with humility and take care of your self and your business.
Humility enables you to make clear decisions from a place of strength without approval-seeking. (click to tweet)
Here are 3 quick requests.
First- delight in something small around you. If you read my words about the Oregon rain, you know what I’m delighting in right now.
Second, pick out a time in the next week where you will take an hour during your work time to seek out delight. A walk in nature, time in the garden, tea with a friend? Something to nourish your heart and delight your eye.
Third, share those two things in the comments below to help inspire others. We need to support each other in delight, so that none of us stay stuck in “deserving.”
36 Responses
Oh, thank you Mark…you have nailed it…I never liked all this talk about “deserving” or “charge what you deserve?” and this is exactly why. Phew!
You are so welcome, Ellen.
This is so lovely, Mark, the rain on a skylight is such a delightful sensory experience. I’m so glad you wrote about delight here, I missed that call on the retreat as its in the middle of my night and one thing I delight in, is sleep.
Its such an allowing word, I can take in so easily using that word. The simple things in life, like a sunny day, the face of my dog. The sound of the birds chiping. Such pleasures.
Sleep is definitely something to delight in, Kate! (And here’s me up again, at an early, early hour.)
Ah but you get to delight in the stillness of the night.
🙂
Every morning I eat my breakfast while looking out over a lemon grove, a green hedge and a flame tree, towards two little glimpses of the sea. The view is different every day. This morning the sea was shimmering with lines of light that seemed to be on an eternal roll. I rejoiced in what I saw, and once again gave thanks for the beautiful place where I live.
I too missed that middle of the night (for me) call during the Retreat, and I appreciate this article, especially because of that. These words of yours really stand out for me about deserving: ‘It’s an attempt by the ego to create safety through control.’ The ego is so tricky and I delighted in the way you saw through it here. Thank you.
Juliet- I love the description of your view- I’m delighted that I get to go to the coast this week with my wife- I miss the ocean! And let’s both thank my teachers for the insights- so grateful.
Mark, reading your newsletter is always a delight. One of the few I do my best to read carefully.
Tonight I delighted in a public speaking workshop I gave – and felt my own speaking go to a whole new level. So gratifying. And will celebrate by delighting with meeting a friend for lunch.
Thanks for your delightful work!
Jonathan- such sweet words- thank you! And if your speaking went to a whole new level, I’m guessing you were a delight to everyone who was there with you. Amazing!
I am going to delight in the rain here in Germany (and that took a lot of practice to say as I am from California and #1 for me are sunny skies). I will sit with a very dear angel who is disguised as my friend. She is going to brainsstorm with me and ‘hold my hand’ as I write my first blog. Another guide close to me is what I learned from you Mark in the Article Writing Class.
Oshikan- I feel for you being far from home- and so glad you can delight in the rain where you are. It’s amazingly nourishing, isn’t it? And yay for the first blog! I hope you’ll share it, perhaps on Facebook, so we can all see it.
It is fall here in Ohio and I am delighting in the brightly colored leaves. I’m seeking out every opportunity I have to go for walks and to play with getting off the beaten path – looking for logs to walk across, jumping from rock to rock in someone’s yard. I’ve also been experimenting with decreasing my time & frequency on FB. I am delighting in how much quieter my brain feels with this. Thank you Mark, for this beautiful reminder of being fiercely in service.
Lisa- ahhh… fall leaves! We have some of those here, too, and it reminds me of when I lived in New England. So beautiful. And the quieter brain… delight.
Delight! I’m taking a moment to savor my partner’s warm back pressed into my leg as I write a sales page on this rainy NY morning. My dog settled in the corner. Hot coffee and taking a break to read your post and cherish this moment of comfort.
Donna- that sounds so sweet. Cherishing the comfort with you.
I am blessed to have my office look out over a lush, green backyard in Toronto. While I enjoy the view immensely, I don’t often find myself stepping out and soaking in the goodness. There is a piece of deserving-ness. And the urgency of needs, for sure. But what a powerful teaching and invitation…that a full heart is what actually provides the clarity and efficiency to meet those needs. And, how about, no bartering at all? Simply going for what I love? Oh, a whole new way of being in the world…deep, inner sigh. Thank you, Mark.
Julie- so beautiful! And yes, so delightful, the lush green backyard. Thanks for sharing that with us…
This came to my attention at just the right moment. Thank you for your beautiful insights.
I delight in the beautiful fall colours that surround me right now. So vibrant, so alive, so amazing.
I will be joining a friend for dinner tomorrow night and will enjoy catching up with her.
Bettina- I so love the fall, too. And yay for dinner with a friend- very nourishing indeed, on many levels.
Today I delighted in putting my bare feet in the cool grass…most refreshing and grounding. 😉
Jane- bare feet. grass. what else is there? 🙂
Lately, I’ve felt delight in receiving – allowing myself to be loved and cared for. (That can be vulnerable.) Last night it was as simple as feeling my husband’s leg crossed over mine as he read in bed and I went to sleep. Feeling so safe and secure with him beside me, knowing that I don’t have to walk through life alone. Tears in my eyes as I remember that feeling of love. This morning it was savoring a call with a mentor where my fears were heard and my heart was nourished.
I feel delight as my heart relaxes as I read your blog! Mark, I greatly appreciate what you wrote about deserving – that kind of talk hurts my heart and often leaves me feeling very alone and separate.
Thank you for articulating how humility brings such incredible rest – not because I’ve done anything or deserve anything, but because I belong, I am beloved, I am a part of the web of life. As are each of us.
Thank you.
Karly- such simple things as the presence of loved ones- thank you for bringing that delight to my heart, as well. And so glad you found rest in the humility of this teaching.
I have been very down and frustrated trying to find my own voice in making art. I know that looking for justification is a trap, but I end up in it often. Why make art? What good does it do anyone, particularly if it is not “brilliant?”
But when I can let go and just make something I feel delight. Delight in the way the ink slides over the smooth page, delight in the bold shapes and delicate lines, a gorgeous tension. Delight in the way it shines when the light catches it and makes it gleam like polished lead. Thanks for your reminder that this is enough. This is in fact the point. I don’t need to “deserve” the delight I feel, or “deserve” to be on this planet. I am here. This is life. Perhaps if I let go and rest in that, someone else seeing the art will also feel delight.
So beautiful, Jennifer. I’ve more recently been taking on art as a new thing for me- oil pastels, colored pencils. No training, just making a joyful mess- or sometimes copying superheroes from kids’ books. Feels so freeing to be. Delighting in the colors. Thanks for reminding me of my own delight.
Thanks for this post, Mark. It’s so empowering. I’m sure it struck a chord with many people. – I know I’ve really struggled with this! One way I’ve started to move through it is by not waiting to do something until I feel like I deserve it e.g. If I work really hard, then I can have a treat! Today I went to an art gallery to see a book illustration exhibition- just because I wanted to : ) – it felt uplifting and nourishing.
Leda- so important and yay for you! I realized awhile ago that I don’t respond well to rewards. If I can delight in things along the way, then it feels good. Little treats and enjoyments, whether it’s going out to lunch or buying myself a better guitar, as long as I can afford it, don’t have to be in response to outward results, but just a response to what’s possible and what will delight me.
I’ve been on the opposite side of deserving. Since childhood I’ve stood firmly in the belief, “I deserve a horse!” Same problem though — all about me — no service, no humility, and no empowerment. Until this month. And actually taking the reins in my own hands and making it happen, with no little-girl fantasies, doesn’t look anything like I thought it would, and all aspects of this new venture are falling effortlessly into place. “Deserving” isn’t even in the picture anymore, and “delight” is everywhere.
Laurice- so wonderful to hear this! Yay for things falling into place, and deserving being out of the picture, with delight everywhere… so… so… what’s the word… delightful! 🙂
That whole bs of “charge what you’re worth” and deserving a 6 fig biz is sso filled with narcissism and entitlement that probably feeds on those who feel undeserving. I love what you’ve added to this conversation. And what you point to as solution. And living in Southern Oregon, I hear you about the rain. Delicious and life giving now. Slightly over the top in January–not to mention June. My delight today was a 3 hour break with friends to see salmon jumping up river.tomorrow time with dear old friends (who I think you know-Ryhana and Ryhan)
Claire- So amazing to see the salmon jumping. And even more amazing that you’re going to spend time with Ryhana and Ryhan. I haven’t seen either of them in a very long time. They’ve been through so much recently. So painful.
Autumn is my favourite season – the falling leaves, falling rain, the colours and the bountiful harvest from trees and gardens. As you so wisely and poignantly point out, Mark, we can delight in all of this without any possibility of deserving any of it (let alone any need to do so).
Howard- the fall is my favorite also. I miss New England falls, when I used to live in Massachusetts and then Rhode Island, but we get good color here, too. So amazing, isn’t it, to be graced with this delight!
Dear Mark,
I have taken the liberty to translate in French part of this article, of course with mentionning it comes from you and with a link reffering to your blog.
Your thoughts about deserving/not deserving moved me and I wanted to share it with my readers.
It is so beautifully written, no need to reinvent the wheel.
Hope it’s ok.
Alexandra
Alexandra- how beautiful! What a gift. May I have a link to where you’ve posted it?