Caught between generosity and overgiving

Updated 1/27/21

Early in your business’ life, over-giving is natural, and even healthy, despite what the critics say. You have a lot of new-start enthusiasm, you have a real need to be generous, and you also have a real need to practice and get your gifts out there.

So you do that. You go the extra mile for your clients, with lots of special touches and extras.

Eventually, if you focus on business development, you’ll get busier and it will be harder to give those extras without feeling resentful and burnt out. But it would be both unwise and not fun to just drop all the extras.

It’s at this point that you need to discern between what is over-giving and unnecessary, and what is a truly special touch that should stay. We did the same thing, and it was really hard.

I built Heart of Business through special touches. A client asked me to write something, so I wrote it up. It was a special touch for her as the client, and it also became part of my content, turning into a handout or workbook for another course.

I also really, really, really, really wanted clients to succeed, so I would give everything to them, effectively kitchen-sinking them. It was several years before I could recognize my attempt to push them too fast, to have them assimilate learnings and practices that had taken me years to learn, in just the two weeks between appointments, or between classes.

<sigh>

When you take on the project to stop over-giving, don’t leap into action. Leaping into action immediately is actually where the overgiving originates from. It’s the habit in Western culture of immediately trying to fix something, instead of being with it.

Spiritual Secret:

One of the most important capacities a human being can develop is the ability to be with discomfort without trying to fix it.

Discomfort like:

• Watching a client struggle with something, and, when you really think about it, realizing they need to confront and work through what they are facing, so they can find their own true solution, and the challenges in their situation will take some time to work through.
• Hearing a client express impatience, and wanting an immediate solution for them, even though it would take a miracle for that to happen.

Not so fun. If you don’t rescue them, will they leave? Will they hate you? Will they blame you? Oh, my poor heart, and all the quivering fear it went through early on.

At the same time, there’s a very conscious joy in the special touches, right? I loved doing something beautiful, something special, and sending it off. I loved being able to show up for a client in their hour of need, especially when something really was time-urgent.

You don’t want to get rid of all of that, because it would suck the specialness out of your business, and the joy out of giving.

This brings up a core teaching I’ve taken from my spiritual studies: there is no formula, there is only presence and relationship to love.

You need to confront this.

If you don’t confront your overgiving, it will be very challenging to become profitable. As your business gets busier, your free time dwindles. The ability to give special touches becomes hard to maintain in the face of overwhelm. And if you are giving in order to cover over and get rid of your own internal discomfort, you will go into overwhelm very easily.

I’ll be honest and tell you that this one of my biggest challenges personally. The team here are Heart of Business is always pushing me around giving too much. When we create an offer, often my first instinct is “How can we add more in?” instead of “What’s the perfect amount to give?”

The truth is, when a client is struggling, often the most helpful answer is to give them less, rather than more. Struggle is the first cousin to overwhelm, and when you are struggling, you aren’t as resourced personally. That means you don’t have the capacity to take in much.

If you can’t take in much, then each thing you take in must really count for something. So you give the client less, not in the spirit of limiting them, but with an eye to deeply caring for them and what they really need.

Plus, if you limit what you give, when you do give the special touches, they’ll stand out, instead of being lost in an avalanche of giving.

Here’s a recommended one-two-three, based on these principles of leaning into your own discomfort, and practicing generosity and profound care for the true state of your client.

First, examine one’s self for discomfort.

Am I uncomfortable, fearful, or upset in any way? Time for Remembrance, or other spiritual practice. You might want to try something like this guided Remembrance on When you feel too jangly, or activated, to feel connected in your heart from our library of more than 250 guided Remembrance meditations found in our Learning Community.

Second, ask what is the client really needing?

This can be a quite specific question, if you are working one-on-one with a particular person. Or it can be a more general question, if you are crafting a class and thinking of the average participant and what would be most helpful for that person and the group at that stage of the class.

This needs to take into account not your ultimate vision for where the client could end up at the end of their transformative work, whatever that is, but the current state of the client in this moment, and the capacity they have to take in anything new. What will help them take the next step from right in this place? Right, that. Only give that.

Third, is a special touch called for here?

A special touch isn’t always called for. If every moment is a special touch, then it isn’t special any more. I’ve noticed with our kids that if we give them ice cream every hot summer afternoon, then they don’t really appreciate the ice cream. And they tend to get cranky when they don’t get it.

However, an ice cream once in a while becomes a celebration and an appreciation for all the wonderousness of that scoop of cold, delicious, sweet cream. 🙂

A further consideration.

Often a special touch is something that is particular to who you are. That means it may be something that comes to you very easily, and without much effort. The sad fact is that things we’re really good at we often don’t appreciate, because they are too easily done, even though for someone else they may not be easy or natural.

I can make a simple Sufi prayer for a client at the drop of a hat, because I have them deeply integrated inside me. When I do make a custom invocation or prayer for someone, or give one to a class, I hear expressions of profound appreciation for people, how they treasure it, and how it gets used over and over again by many of them. And yet it took me very few minutes (and years of training and practice) to create.

Make your special touches the ones that come from your heart with ease, and they’ll be sustainable for you and deeply appreciated by others.

Even another further consideration.

If your special touch involves your personal time, question it. I’m not saying don’t ever give it, just question it. If you give it, give it consciously, making sure it’s the right thing. And create a sense of boundary around it.

There are times I’ve jumped into calls with people, feeling a real generosity of spirit that feels great, until it doesn’t. Somehow I crossed a boundary in my own heart about what was right to give. Then I leave the call drained.

Other times I jumped on a call and said, “I have 15 minutes in my schedule right now and I wanted to give some time to you. How can I help?” Focused, incisive, present, beautiful time that feels like a gift to both of us.

Still other times I realize that I already have a recording or a PDF, or something else to give to this person, (a personal card mailed to them? chocolate?) that didn’t take my personal time, but was the absolute perfect thing.

Don’t become stingy, but do become conscious.

I’ve encountered those businesses where the owner must’ve have gotten overwhelmed at some point, and then has such strict boundaries on their time that it just doesn’t feel good. I don’t want you to lose your sense of Divinely-gifted generosity, because that is something we can all practice more deeply.

I just want you, for the sake of your own heart, your business and your clients, to practice that generosity in consciousness, only giving what you’re truly being asked to give.

I’d love to hear from you what changes you see you could make in your business, to give less without losing.

 

Today is our Webinar on the Myth of Significance: How to engage with your business in times of unrest and overwhelm.

So much is asked of us in these times, it seems like more healing and awareness and clarity was needed. Clients are struggling to be productive, members of our Learning Community are struggling to be engaged, and just generally the conversation is one of finding it hard to be productive, when being productive is actually really important, because it’s your business.

That’s what I want to address in the webinar, three important teachings that can help you engage with your business even with everything that is going… without sticking your head in the sand.

January 27, 2:30 p.m. eastern.

Join us? the webinar details are here.

Please share as widely as you like. There will be no selling on the webinar, it’s just meant as a way to support us all.

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