Steve Mattus is our Director of Education, Community Manager, and also a skilled Heart of Business practitioner who works with clients.
I’m very introverted and a highly sensitive person (HSP) and so going to traditional networking events, for me, has a long history of being incredibly distasteful and nauseating. Blah. Yuck. No thanks. I’d rather you poke me in the eye repeatedly.
And so… one day, I went to a traditional networking event at a bowling alley.
WHAT?!?!?!?
I know, right? What was I thinking?
At the time of this Bowling Alley event, I was working on integrating a key teaching. This teaching made the bowling alley networking event a win/win/win. And by win/win/win, I mean:
1 A new client who payed me just shy of $1,000/month for 18 months.
2 I was able to be totally in my heart, fully present, and free of resistance. (Have I mentioned how much I really dislike networking events… which made this win especially sweet.)
3 A new client who received much needed support to shift their financial practice into high-gear.
(Have I mentioned how much I detest networking events?)
The teaching I was working on integrating in myself was radical curiosity.
Practicing this one key teaching helped me go from a place of 100% resistance towards networking events to win/win/win. And, the good news is that, even if you STILL detest traditional networking events, this key teaching can radically transform your relationship with any other type of Heart-Centered Networking that you’re looking at – partnerships, social media, strategic alliances, workshops, etc.
So… let’s take a look at it more closely.
Radical Curiosity
What I mean by radical curiosity is a sense of wonderment, awe, novelty, potential and innovation – all rolled into one. Curiosity has no known path forward. It’s about a totally blank slate, completely free from any shoulds, shouldn’ts or supposed-to-bes.
Radical Curiosity helped me attend the Bowling Alley networking event because I let go of every preconceived notion of what could, should or would happen there. I had no idea. Total, radical, open curiosity.
Instead of trying to get something to happen, I allowed it to happen. And, my only “agenda” was to be:
really present in my heart and body, and
super curious with every soul I met.
We all know what generally happens at networking events and that’s why we so often detest them. But what if we didn’t know what would happen, and we allowed ourself to be there with genuine, radical curiosity?
Attending with this in mind gave me the chance to practice the art of conversation – being interested in other people – like, radically, wildly interested, making it about them and their journey and what it’s like for them. It gave me a safe space to practice my skill of compassionate inquiry, with absolutely zero chance to fail.
Radical curiosity also gave me a safe way to practice the art of kind invitation to engage their curiosity. My curiosity engages their curiosity. In that order. And, as a benefit, this is how you get people to stay in contact at networking events – the art of kind invitation to engage their curiosity. Fun!
Interestingly, when I showed up with my full curiosity, I experienced two things. First, anything is possible – all sorts of interesting things happened that night. Second, it’s a whole lot more fun and easy when it’s 100% about them and 0% about me. Humans are fascinating creatures with a deep longing to be seen and heard and to matter so someone. When you help people feel like they really matter – even if they’re selling eyelash sculptures – amazing things happen.
I could have stood back and watched the group the whole evening – studying the interactions, what lit people up and what caused them to have that ever-familiar icky feeling that happens at networking events.
Amazingly, I got to notice what worked and what didn’t as I talked with others. Do you know exactly what makes others’ eyes glaze over? Do you know precisely what gets people to open up? Are you skilled at adapting your messaging to different people in different situations? What would happen if you got super skilled in these areas?
Sit with those questions a moment. Imagine, with curiosity, what might be possible for you and your business, if you were able to develop those skills.
True, genuine, deeply rooted curiosity changes everything. And, it’s sincere, so there’s no sense of manipulation.
Curiosity allows you to avoid “networking mode” and stay in human-to-human-connection mode. It takes things out of, “I need business,” and keeps them centered in, “I’m here to make connections and build relationships.”
Networking is about connection…. and connection is born from curiosity.
As I mingled with this networking group at this fancy bowling alley with hors d’oeuvres and cocktails, I remained radically curious. And as a result, in the following month one of the gentlemen I met at that networking event reached out to me, hired me and paid me just under $18,000 in the next year and a half.
Not bad for an event where the main quality I brought was radical curiosity.
Oh… and one bonus thing I want to add in here at the end, because it’s closely related to curiosity….
Freedom from attachment.
Genuine, radical curiosity demands freedom from attachment. It’s one way you can tell you’re actually not being curious… you have an agenda. When you have an agenda – that’s when the gross feeling of manipulation happens.
When you can show up without attachment to an outcome – your possibilities and opportunities multiply exponentially. And practicing these key qualities will hone your ability to discern and maximize the opportunities that show up for you.
I’m not encouraging you to do networking events!
Really…. truly… please don’t do stuff that you detest, just because me or anyone else said they could be beneficial. I still have a strong dislike of networking events.
Curiosity, however, can make them less painful.
I was working with one client who was a part of a Breakfast Networking Group. They kept going because it was what they were “supposed” to do. But they hated it every week, and weren’t getting the outcomes they wanted.
I worked with them on developing radical curiosity and letting go of attachment. I shared with them, “If you’re going to be attached to an outcome, let it be an outcome that’s in your direct control. What do you control that you want to happen at these networking breakfasts?”
They responded, “We want to be the most heart-centered, genuine, sincere, interested and curious people that attend.”
Great… go do that.
You know what? They are the most referred-to people in that group now. They don’t have to be anything other than themselves and every time it’s a huge win for them because it’s a chance for them to shine their light to people who have learned that they really are different – like, hugely different.
Over time, they’ve developed a bunch of others in the group who are also very heart-centered and focus on kindness first. It’s a whole new type of networking group now. It actually feels good, and people actually pay to be a part of it.
Maybe you want to do something different!
If you’re thinking about other types of networking events, but aren’t sure what to do, or how to do it, I want to encourage you to engage your radical curiosity.
What do you enjoy? What if there were no “marketing rules” and you got to do things your way? What would you do?
Give yourself the chance to be radically curious. And, if your networking involves others, such as strategic alliances or partnerships – don’t feel like you have to have all the answers before you approach others. Go out with your curiosity and engage them in it. Help them get curious about your ideas too!
And if you hit roadblocks – ask yourself, “Am I stumped because I think it has to be a certain way? What if I didn’t have to do it that way, and I could make it easy?”
If you do some heart-centered networking thingy and it goes all wonky… don’t give up on it, decide that it doesn’t work, or vow never to do that again. Be curious… learn from it… what part didn’t go right? What needs to change for it to be a win for you?
Curiosity will unleash you.
Curiosity will uncage you.
Curiosity will transform you.
Give it a try.
I’d love to hear what you experience as you do. Please share your comments below!
p.s. Heart-Centered Networking Homestudy deadline tomorrow
We’re nearly at the end of our 8 day promotional period for our newly-released Heart-Centered Networking Homestudy. If you want a special price and the chance to receive some live coaching with the home study, make sure you get it by the end of the day tomorrow.
Check it out here: Heart-Centered Networking Homestudy
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20 Responses
Great article, Steve. Like you, I’m not a great fan of big networking events – much prefer to be tucked up at home with a good book. I’m about to move (yes, move!) so i might see how it works out for me if I take this approach with me to my new home.
Thanks Dorothy! You’re moving?!?!? Whoa!!! #newsdrop
Sending you big support as you do that. And yes… I think carrying curiosity along anywhere we go is pure gold. I’d love to hear how that goes!
Thanks. A great article and a topic i think that applies to everything in life. It’s all much easier if you don’t have an agenda and are curious. But when you have a business i guess you have to have some kind of agenda (business plan) but i guess you don’t necessarily have to have any agenda when it comes to people you meet, whether they are potential clients or not.
Hi Chelle!
Yeah… I’ve definitely found it much easier when I don’t have an agenda. And I also empathize with the belief that in business we “have” to have one. I think what’s more true is that we have needs that we want met. When we anchor into our needs in relationship with the Divine, then we’re open to be curious out in the world. And that “freedom from agenda” allows things to flow in a much different way.
If, instead, we set our intention on what we can control – how we show up, for example – it gets so much easier. (I’m oversimplifying it here, but I hope the point comes through.)
Thanks so much for the kind comment! 🙂
This blog post is really spot on topic for me right now. Thank you, Steve!!! I will be chewing on this for the next little while, I know…the trick for me is deciding whether to speak to groups that, I know from experience, probably do not have many good prospects for me. Should I save my effort/time for other groups (I do get invited to teach to groups that are much more directly targeted for me) or should I (since these particular kinds of invites come in regularly several times a year) find a way to be more effective with this seemingly not-a-good-fit-for-me type of group? I’ve been wondering: Is it really them, or might it be me and my attitude/approach that could use some tweaking? So your post gives me some good possible ways to approach a tweaking..if it feels right in my heart to do so (which I will try to understand…as I sit with this lovely post of yours). Thanks again, Steve!
Hey Chris! What a great example. There’s so much richness in your pondering.
“I know there are probably not many good prospects.” That could be so true, or, so not true. How many “good prospects” would be needed to make it worthwhile? What if, out of each group, there was just one real, possible co-design client in attendance? What if the “not good prospects” were awed at your presentation, and they each were connected with one person who was a “good prospect” and you did a super-effective job of teaching people how to spread the word and connect to you? What if these talks really are not a good use of your time, and you could do something different – what could you do instead? What are some ways that you could more clearly target the right kind of prospect to these talks? So many curiosities to consider, right? Love it!
And… what you said at the end is KEY… “if it feels right to my heart.” YES. This. Always this.
I’m such a fan of curiosity and I love the term “radical curiosity.” It goes to the heart of standing in who we are instead of in expectation, blame, self-doubt or a whole host of other self-limitations. I’ve written about it a lot in terms of a general life approach (being curious as we go through the process of self-inquiry turns us into “inner researchers”). I so appreciate how you’ve turned this towards networking and being fully curious about another. It is brilliantly beautiful, Steve. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Laurie! Really appreciate your comment! If we can see through all the expectation, blame, self-doubt the whole host of other self-limitations – things really open up. It’s kind-of amazing that curiosity is the key. 🙂
Steve, I LOVED this article. We’re so often told to approach networking events with an attitude of service or an open heart or receptivity, and that’s all well and good if you’re someone who engages with others naturally and easily. Like you, I’m an introvert and don’t like the feeling that I have to “perform” in some way, probably in a way that comes across as phony. Argh! But curiosity, that I can do. Because I am curious, and I like to see people’s faces light up when they talk about what they love. Thank you! I’ll take curiosity into networking and other nervous-making social events.
Exciting, Anne! I’d love to hear how it goes for you – what changes, what stays the same, how curiosity works for you. 🙂
What fun, Steve 🙂
from ick to fun, now that’s an awesome change… as always, thank you for providing the helpful kind of questions to ask: “What do you enjoy? What if there were no “marketing rules” and you got to do things your way? What would you do?”
Thanks Amy! 🙂
I love the questions you recommend, Steve, and also your idea of marrying radical curiosity with networking. I enjoy being curious, it feels very natural to me, but I have always had the feeling that this is not “enough” when networking. How lovely to think that perhaps it could be! I am definitely going to remember that thought.
Hi Lia! Thanks so much! Yeah… for me… it has to be enough. Any more than radical curiosity and it gets me all icky. Any time I’m in a situation where I start to feel the icky, curiosity helps keep me in my heart.
So good, Steve, this idea of presence + curiosity = radical curiosity. I love it. And I’m gonna use it! (Pssst: not just in networking events!)
xoxox
Hi Sue!!! YEAH!!! Right on…. it’s so useful in all areas of life… you’re SO right. Love hearing that you’ll be bringing it into more than networking!
Love, love, love this post, Steve!
As an introvert, I dread formal networking gatherings and am so grateful Heart of Business has helped me explore other ways of making connections that benefit my business and nourish my heart. Curiosity and a willingness to be surprised have been pivotal in that process.
That said, I still feel shy and awkward quite often. Resting into sincerity, presence, curiosity and true listening offers so much ease–even in those shy, awkward moments. Telling myself all I need to do is show up fully and sincerely–and really look for and listen to the human-ness in others–has brought beautiful connections and unexpected benefits (including clients who are a *perfect* fit). Thank you for supporting this place of ongoing practice!
Thank you Dana. So inspiring to hear your journey with this. I really empathize with you… I still don’t like formal networking events so I have to work on this really diligently before I go and while there.
And… you’ve done an amazing and inspiring job of transforming what doesn’t work for you into what does work for you. You’ve brought this very quality to your work – being curious about what you really would like, what really would work for YOU – and you’ve made it not only effective, but totally YOU, which is the cats meow. BRAVO!!!
Steve, thank you for sharing your wisdom on this thorny topic!
I love your suggestion to approach all encounters with presence and radical curiosity!
As an introvert and HSP myself, I used to avoid networking because I just couldn’t bear the pretence and the egos involved (and plus I was terrified!)
Now I’m able to go networking because I’m on a mission to find more speaking opportunities (who’d have thought it eh?!).
But I often find myself in a group at an event where I feel awkward and struggle to stay engaged because I’m totally bored with the whole thing. I’ll remember your tips because they will definitely help me to stay present and attempt to engage with one person – with an open heart, and a spirit of radical curiosity, and who knows where that might lead? (and I’ll have fun as well!)
I can be endlessly curious when I remember to switch it on!
Thankyou! 🙂
Oh my goodness, Ann. Yes! This. All. Day. Long.
Exactly what I find too… I find that if I only keep myself free of attachment to outcome, I get bored. That’s an important step, but not the only one. The magic mix is being free of attachment and also bringing in radical curiosity.
ha ha ha… and sometimes… things are just boring. That’s okay too. #truth
Have fun with your endless curiosity!