I was mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually lied to, manipulated and abused in the religion of my childhood (Jehovah’s Witness).
Almost exactly a decade ago to the day, I was officially and publicly shunned and outcast from the religion. As a result, every member of the faith was obligated to shun me – not even speaking a word to me. Every single person I considered a friend – my entire support network – turned on me overnight. Even my immediate family (who were all a part of this religion) shunned me from that day forward – my father, mother and two brothers all treating me as if I were dead. Why? Because the men leading their church believed me to be a “wicked man.” (This is a quote from the leader of the “Judicial Committee” who decided I was no longer worthy of their god’s love.)
What I’ve just shared is the easy part. I won’t go into the rest of the details about the deeper spiritual trauma I experienced in the 35 years of my life prior to being kicked out of the religion. While painful, being kicked out has actually been one of the brighter moments.
Despite the spiritual trauma, here I am, working alongside Mark Silver, who is a Sufi Master Teacher, helping to lead Heart of Business as we teach thousands around the world, reminding all hearts about the important of spiritual connection in business. I’ve journeyed from a deep, dark place towards a bright, joyful place of spiritual depth and connection. They journey continues, of course.
I know I’m not alone in this journey. And so, before I share any more, from my heart to your heart, I want to say…
I see you. I hear you. I understand you. You are not alone.
In my years here at Heart of Business, I’ve come across many who have also been spiritually traumatized. What we do here resonates, but the spiritual sides of what we teach sometimes present unexpected or unintended obstacles to business growth. The first big program I did with Heart of Business was expensive and didn’t change my business much at all. What it did instead was radically change my life – and although the program was focused on business, the transformation that took place in my heart was far beyond what I ever could have expected. Although I didn’t know it, I HAD to do some inner work first. The outcome was totally unexpected, but the value was ten-fold beyond what I’d anticipated.
So, if you’re here, perhaps having been spiritually traumatized, and exploring your own relationship with spirituality – I wanted to share are a few key things which I learned and leaned into heavily as I walked with my trauma. I’ve found these pieces extremely helpful, not only in this situation but in many aspects of life. I want to share what I learned with you in hopes that it can help sooth your heart as you walk your own path forward with both deep, tender care and great strength and power.
Believing Something Different
The first thing I had to break down was all the years of brainwashing which instilled in me that my relationship with the Divine had to be a certain way, could only be approached through one channel and that I had no choice in the matter.
I had to recognize what had been ingrained in me – so I knew what to dismantle. Then, I had to choose to believe something different.
This has been one of the single most transformative and beneficial tenets of my life in the past decade: I get to choose what I believe.
Especially true is that I get to choose how, when, where and why I have a relationship with the Divine – along with what I consider the Divine to be.
Taking on this mantle, however, is a huge turn-around from the disempowered teachings of my birth religion. Part of the healing of my own spiritual trauma was taking back my power to decide to believe something different.
How does this impact my life day to day, in and out of spirituality? I’ve made it a habit to follow almost every thought I think, every sentence I hear and most statements I or others make with the question, “Is that true?” By asking this question in my heart, what I’ve done is given myself a chance to decide. I’ve opened up space in my heart to feel what resonates and what doesn’t. After years of practice, it amazes me that even when I would rather something not be true, because for it to be true would mean my own disadvantage or discomfort, I can’t ignore the resonance… and so it’s not a bypass towards a feel-good, nicety-nice, made-up world of candy-canes and sugar-plums.
I get to choose. My relationship with the Divine up to me. I don’t have to believe anything.
And, for the record…. what I choose to believe is Love. I believe that the Divine is Love. I believe that Love is the answer… all-ways. Full stop.
It wouldn’t feel honest if I didn’t also say that I struggle to find and practice reflecting the Love sometimes. And I celebrate how im/perfectly and relentlessly I try.
Discovery, Discernment, Practice, Translation
After my spiritual trauma, I knew I wanted a spiritual relationship with “God” – whatever that was. And so I became willing to explore and experiment (something that was also highly discouraged in the Witnesses). I would read a LOT about others faith and hear them describe their relationship with the Divine. A few had parts and pieces that resonated with me – many, many, many didn’t. I tried to be willing to mine the nuggets that felt honorable in my heart, and to leave the rest aside. It didn’t mean I was judging them as invalid or casting them off permanently. I simply found it important to be willing to take it one step at a time. This wasn’t about finding truth. My journey was about finding resonance.
For a number of years, I lost my spiritual practice – prayer, community, etc. Then I met Mark at Heart of Business who taught the practice of Remembrance. There were a thousand things about Remembrance that triggered me. In fact, I was so triggered by Remembrance that, for a short time, every time it started I used some pretty hard drugs to numb myself from the fear and emotion it brought up. (I don’t recommend this strategy, by the way.) I share this vulnerable little tidbit to help you understand that if spiritual practice of any kind is challenging for you – you’re not alone. It’s okay. Be gentle with your heart.
The lesson here is – gentleness. If you’re stepping into spiritual practice and it’s triggering you, or the use of a name for the Divine is triggering, or whatever – it’s okay. Don’t push yourself so hard that you re-traumatize yourself, like I did. Be willing to explore, and if something is too much – be willing to set it aside.
Also, be willing to try again. It took me about a year before I was able to start doing Remembrance without feeling cautious. I kept going because in my heart, I felt resonance.
There’s a difference between discomfort and trauma. It takes discernment and connection to your body to learn the difference. It’s totally okay to be uncomfortable. It’s not okay to be traumatized.
And so, I kept coming back to the practice of Remembrance (as well as other spiritual practices which felt resonant in my heart) and trying. Again and again. Over and over. Practice, notice, adjust. Practice, notice, adjust. Rinse and repeat.
Along the way, I learned to become a highly skilled translator. I’ve found this critically important.
Whenever I hear a word, phrase or practice which feels triggering, non-resonant or uncomfortable – instead of only being in resistance, I allow my sincerity to come forward in an exploration of what feels more resonant to my heart. It forces me to explore my own personal beliefs and heart to define what works for me.
One great example of this is the use of the name Allah. That was a really difficult one for me. I had so much association of that name to terror. It was really challenging. But then, in my heart, I realized, “I’m here, on the phone with someone at Heart of Business, and I feel love and kindness and joy. I’m actually very safe. There is no terror here. What if that name meant something different? What if Allah meant One? The One. The One.” I began to explore my own definition of the name (re-translate).
If you’re in any of our programs and I’ve led Remembrance, I often share that I use the name Allah in Remembrance, not because I’m Sufi or I think that’s the “right” name for the Divine, but because I translate the name in my head into two words that feel really good to my heart and reflect what feels true about the Divine, as I perceive it to be.
First the name Allah starts with, “all” – which I believe the Divine to be.
Second, it has the sound, “Ahhhhhh,” like a sigh of relief – which is what I want to feel when I am in relationship with the Divine. All-ahhhhhhh. That feels good even typing it out right now.
The real question is, however… what feels good to you? Use that. You’re always welcome to explore using this name to see how it suits you…. but please, don’t use it if it’s not for you. Use what works for you, and employ your inner-translator when we practice together here at Heart of Business.
So, I encourage you to continue learning to translate. Don’t ever blindly accept something someone else says as true, or the only way to be in relationship with the Divine. Discover. Discern. Translate. Practice. (For the record – since I have such a high sensitivity to anything dogmatic, Mark has assigned me to be the watchman for this. Nothing we present spiritually is the “right way,” it’s just a possible way.)
I don’t believe anyone else can teach you “how it’s supposed to be” when it comes to spirituality. I believe spiritual teachings and practice are meant to lead my heart to discover its own relationship with the heart of Oneness.
Loving my Protector
The trauma is there. It comes up to visit frequently. These days, I view it as my spiritual protector – always on high alert so that I don’t get re-traumatized. When it shows up, I love the heck out of it for offering to protect me. Then, I use these tools to find a safe and resonant path forward along my spiritual journey.
I’ve found that deep spiritual connection (to the Divine, Oneness, the Universe, my heart, my higher-self…. whatever you want to call it) is critical to being able to create a business where every act of business is an act of Love. We need more of this in the world…. so much more of this.
I’ve only scratched the surface here. The spiritual journey, and certainly recovering from spiritual trauma, could never be sufficiently related in one blog post. My only hope is that if you have suffered spiritual trauma as I have, that something in this sharing helps your heart feel safe enough to continue moving forward – with deep confidence that wherever you are on your spiritual journey, you’re welcome here, with all my heart.
In the comments below, I’d love to hear how this article lands with your heart, and how these practices might support your spiritual journey.
(There is no need to leave comments of sorrow for my trauma. While appreciated, I’d prefer the focus to be how what I’ve shared here can support you. Please and thank you.)
P.S. Next week: The Heart of Money Transformational Journey
Next week one of our most beloved, transformational, spiritual and grounded courses is starting. It doesn’t make the absurd promise of riches or disappeared debt in 8 weeks. However, what it does bring you is profound spiritual teachings that are hundreds of years old, combined with practical insights and grounded ways of working with your money.
We’re getting thank you letters from folks now that took the course last year. It has lasting effect.
Best of all, for a money course? You choose what you want to pay for it.
Please join us. It truly can change your relationship with money in a permanent way. It’s that change in relationship that means you’ll have a new reality with money.
Click here for info and to register:
The Heart of Money Transformational Journey
p.p.s. New Small Group Coaching group starting
Are you ready for some hands-on help, in an intimate, supportive group? I can help you focus, learn the things you need to learn for your business, and the power of the group can help your business move forward in tremendous ways. December 2017? Handled. 😉
I, Mark, am starting a new group up in February, and the focus will be on bringing out your Divine power, in ways that feel great to you, and help you impact the world. There is room for just 4-6 people who want rocking, powerful businesses.
Steve also has a group, as does Yollana, that focus on what we all do: integrating a safe, powerful, personal Divine connection with practical, grounded, effective business practices.
Work with Yollana, or Steve, or me, Mark. Check us out:
Small Group Coaching
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Heart of Business Community Update
As a community member, here’s quick access to resources and conversation!
Steve, our Community Manager, just recorded his new January message, which is about making decisions, and he offers two key ways to be more decisive while staying heart-centered. Check it out on the Community Home page.
In our Facebook group, here is one discussion happening right now:
- How do you see political/social justice issues linked to your business? Check out the conversation here.
These are just 2 of the many resources happening every day in our active, compassionate group! Don’t yet have access to the Facebook group yet? Click here.
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23 Responses
Thank you for sharing.
I am lucky that I wasn’t traumatized by my childhood religion, but I left it at age 12, and piece by piece of my sense of connection with Divine was set aside or muted or determined to be Not Mine. I’m still working on this, but I know that I come from connection to divine and long for that connection again. The connection I don’t have now had gotten me through some tough times in the past and shored me up in good times or bad. I’m willing to experiment.
I’m glad to know that I’m not alone in tasting words, like the name of the Divine, that have a very strong taste for me and seeing if there are any other tastes in there I can learn to love.
I just finished reading your article and when I tell you that at 2:30 in the morning that this is what I NEEDED, I AM TELLING YOU THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH! How bout, my sister who like myself has been through this same experience happened to be up this morning and checked her e mail only to find your article after having misplaced it some time ago in her email so that she could send it to me. How about I had just asked myself what happened, why has my business only taking in 1/3 of what it did in 2013 and what am I going to do about it? I am no longer affiliated with the organization, but I lost a lot spiritually, socially, and economically. Maybe this is the start of SOMETHING BIG FOR ME AND FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD! I believe so! Thanks Again!
Wow! Your telling of your story is very powerful and will percolate. I’m bookmarking so I can share it as appropriate. Peace,
Well that blog post was a thing of beauty. So deep and real. It made me think how can I send it to all my friends who are gnashing their teeth about the new president because I can see all the things they are freaking out about come from a place deep in their spiritual soul that needs healing.
I took Marks money course 6 years ago or maybe it was 8 and it was a time when I was completely on the fence about my life which was actually celebrated out in the world but internally it felt false. Like you it didn’t shift my work life but it did shift my inner life which I am so thankful for.
I have loads to say but it’s not the right place to leave my thoughts. Basically all I really want to say is
Thank you for being brave. I see you too.
Thank you for this powerful sharing, Steve, and for modeling vulnerability and growth. I find your post really helpful because ever since I discovered Mark and HoB I’ve had a very strong pull, but also strong resistance to the Sufi path. Your post encourages me to stay curious and to stay with the process. I will do that. <3
Being an ex-jw myself, the hardest part for me has not been issues with spirituality surprisingly but feelings of low self worth. When your whole social system rejects you, it is hard to not feel like something is intrinsically wrong with you despite knowing the truth otherwise. This is making it hard for me to share my gifts now through business because of the feelings that people just would not care what I offer or that it is not good enough. Also, learning how to build a new support system,when before you already had a built in one for you, I am finding difficult. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Just wow Steve. You are both tender and articulate here and continuing to be such a gift to me personally and this community. I especially love the part on Loving My Protector –what a powerful reframe for anyone who has experienced trauma. Thank you for your courage and sharing deep and healing insights.
Dear Steve,
Thank you for sharing your story, as well as your experience of healing. I found it very helpful, as you described many of the experiences that I’ve had or felt in healing spiritual abuse. Thank you for your courage in sharing and healing, for it inspires courage in me.
The retranslating is something I do often – I appreciate how you’ve framed this. It’s a relief to me when I can find a word/meaning that brings love into my heart rather than terror.
I do another form of retranslating, in finding places where I can hear truth or the calling of my heart – and often these places aren’t overtly “spiritual.” I find they’re less triggering and my heart feels safer to open. Interestingly enough, studying with my mentor in developmental psychology sent me into a spiritual crisis/healing space, and it’s been a healing “home.”
For a time, I felt ashamed that I had to find healing “one step removed,” and that I was so triggered by spiritual teachers, blogs, places, you name it! But over time I’ve come to see that the belief that if it isn’t “spiritual” it’s inferior arises from the trauma itself.
I also appreciate how you relate to your trauma as your protector. So beautiful and something my heart wants to ponder.
I also want to affirm that the Heart of Money was incredibly helpful for me, on many levels – both with money, and my relationship to source. I took it last January and I still feel its rippling effects. It was a very safe container, and I’m so glad I took the class! Thank you all, Heart of Business!
This is so beautifully written Steve, tender and vulnerable and supported by that foundation of strength you’ve found inside and outside yourself. I’ve come to know that is one of the hallmarks of our beloved Steve, and that combination invariably resonates and supports me. I think of others who might wish to read this and so will share. Thanks for sharing the tapestry of your life to help us learn more about weaving one of our own that expresses personal resonance, and having the support to do it. Practice, notice, repeat. : )
I want to thank you deeply for putting this story out here and for me in a very timely way! The holidays have been full of clients getting sick or disappearing for trips to Florida and cash flow has been a drip. Then yesterday I discovered I had a broken pipe and a basement full of a foot of water after our lateast Arctic deep freeze began thawing. I have the water turned off and the plumber coming today but I was pondering just what I needed to be doing and especially spiritually when your article popped up. How very, very beautiful! And a great support.
This is an honest and beautiful post, Steve. Thanks for sharing that journey with us and naming a very real phenomenon, spiritual trauma. Every time someone has the courage to tell a story like this, we all heal, whether we can relate literally to the story or not. And that important outcome: Getting to choose what we believe. That choice makes a critical difference.
Since the Heart of Money journey is beginning, I would like to also name financial and goal trauma, which have a huge impact on many today, including myself. So much compassion is needed there, especially when starting over after financial or business losses.
All-ahhhhhhhhhhh….yes.
When I started being in Remembrance (I so rarely know what verb to use — it’s not “doing,” it’s not “having…”), I thought, well, “Allah” doesn’t work for me just because I don’t have any personal spiritual history with that word.
but Ma-maaaaaaaah…that is a word and a concept I can get behind…And I realized, as you, Steve, mentioned, that the Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh is the glory of it. It is the AWE, the ALL, the Ahhhhhh… So that’s where I’ve landed, with those two words — Allah and Mama — both holy words, both now part of my practice. (As a priestess, I had used “Mama” for a long time.)
I was never formally shunned, but I lost my whole Roman Catholic community when I was 17. It was the center of my spiritual life, my musical life, my social life, my emotional life. And I lost it all in one fell blow when I came out.
I so adore your vulnerability. I so love the way I feel connected to your writing and speaking. Thank you for this deep sharing.
Thanks Steve! As someone who works in the trauma field, I totally appreciate the distinction you make here between it being ok to feel uncomfortable, not ok to feel traumatized! So often, even after an intense event(s) are over, people *think* they are supposed to accept what happened, and somehow embrace the feelings of trauma over & over again. No!! So important to do what you model here, honor the residuals of the trauma, the over-vigilant protective response, and then discern & choose your own path forward. Thank you for sharing your story, your turning towards love, you im-perfection and grace 🙂 YES YES YES.
Steve, so much love to you. It’s ok to be uncomfortable. It’s not ok to be traumatized. Thank you for this reminder to work safely with our own scary experiences.
Such a beautiful, powerful post – and timely for me in that I have been dancing with the idea that it’s all about Resonance for me. Your words help me to open to this idea and to be curious. What happens when I truly make space to open to my emotions, discomforts, comforts, etc. and feel into the resonance (or not) and to be curious about what I discover. At times I’ve done this in various ways, with various practices, but I am ready for a renewal of this practice and exploration, and what you write here — well, resonates with me :). What I mean by that: I feel a sense of holy light openness and peace, a slowing down and awe that I yearn to connect with more. The Sacred. Love. Gracias.
Thanks for your beautiful honesty, Steve. Although I haven’t been traumatized by a religion, my experiences of being severely bullied and mobbed as a tenured professor, with some related childhood experiences, were blocks that I had to heal and navigate, and am still working to love. Until I did a lot of work on this, it totally prevented me moving forward with my spiritual connection, vision and business. Good for you and for all of us who dedicate ourselves to healing and then helping others!
I haven’t been able to reply to all the comments like I normally do. I’m down with a bit of fever this afternoon. I did want to pop in and share my deepest gratitude to each of you who have taken the time to share with such openness and kindness. Very heartwarming. May each of you be deeply nourished.
Dearest Steve, Now I know even more why you are so dear and such an incredible asset to our entire Heart of Business. Your truth has left me speechless for now. (And you certainly know it takes a lot for that to happen.) Deep gratitude to you!
Thank you for sharing. This showed up in my inbox quite synchronistically, and hit home. My spiritual trauma was not the same context as yours, but was traumatizing nevertheless. It was also tied into other traumas and PTSD. It is great to hear others speak about this and about the importance of just finding what works for us as unique individuals and not needing to attach to any structured religion or spirituality. This is key for me right now, defining what I want to believe and then giving myself permission to believe it.
Hi Steve, I’m getting a ton out of reading and rereading this message. One really stunning part is a sort of waking up — I’m watching myself read about what was done to you by the people who rejected you, and finding a part of myself that thinks, well, if they’re so certain they must be right…. Wow. I suspect this is because of some traumatic resonance between my upbringing (on the periphery of ultra-Orthodox Judaism) and yours, and it shows me that the trauma I’ve sustained shows up as having a place in me that is willing to believe that the ones with the most power and authority must be correct, even when other, tenderer parts of me know that they are doing wrong and causing or perpetuating harm. It’s very scary to recognize this, and I think it’s your offering here of shared reality that makes that recognition even available to me.
I feel uncertain that this public comments section is the best place to share such an awakening, yet I feel also supported by your openness with your story, and the evidence you offer of having evolved, healed, and even made use of your experience. I give myself permission to take this comment down if I can’t stand it. That’s my reclamation from abusive rigidity: Yes, sometimes I change! All the time, even.
Big love and thanks to you.
Feather
wow, I had to set aside what I planned for the moment when I read the first line of your recent article,Steve. I love you this is so vulnerable, touching, and loving an article. It’s a heart conversation. While it touched me deeply having been truamatized as an adult in resonating ways, sad to say. I posted this on my fbpage, my mom was really touched by this and it helped with her own healing, as a mom watching me go through this abuse was really hard for her. today, it helped me gain such clarity around how “the power of love” protects us. Your beautiful thoughtfulness helped me connect with just how difficult that must have been for her, how much freedom and love are essential. In the end, for me so much was healed with people full of love and compassion. You are one of them! so just thank you from the bottom and top of my heart, Lorilei
Thank you so emuch for posting Ann, and for writing this Steve Mattus. I love love love the gentleness, kindness and persistence I see in your story and the clear articulation of your way forward. My “catch phrase” in my business and in my life: “Love, both fierce and tender, is a powerful force for change.” Your journey illustrates this perfectly. Thank you. Your story shows me that the world I yearn for is already here :-)))
Wow, Steve, thank you for this honest and deep share. I have been exploring all kinds of trauma and ways to empower myself and others in the healing process, because so many are traumatized right now. I was blessed to have been born with a built-in, rock solid rejection mechanism of anything that didn’t ring true for me. Also blessed that my family allowed me to believe as I wished from the beginning. I just want to say that your gentle, vibrant, aliveness and presence, your love and care make so much more sense now, knowing more about your journey. Thank you again for being such a shining light.