It’s been a great conversation–twenty, thirty, oh my gosh, we’ve been on the phone for fifty minutes?! The heart-connection was strong, there seems to be a lot of simpatico between us, and as it’s winding down, they say:
“What you’re offering sounds great. Let me think about it, and I’ll get back to you.”
Yah, sure! It was such a great connection, you totally trust them. And then days go by. And weeks.
Seasons pass. Summer comes and goes, leaves fall from the trees, and the birds all head south. What in the heck happened to that person?
La Disparition
First off, let’s set the record straight; people disappear for all the most normal, ordinary, straight-forward reasons that have nothing to do with secretly hating you. If you had a great connection on the phone, trust it.
But people get busy. Overwhelmed. Distracted.
Plus, if what you’re offering has any element of transformation or making their life better in some big way, then there’s going to be an avoidance factor that simply has to do with feeling uncomfortable about moving forward.
They aren’t trying to get rid of you, they’re just trying to, or unable to get comfortable. And they need your help.
When Vagueness Strikes, Light a Lamp
It may take a five-planet detail-obsessed Virgo like me to notice when something isn’t settled, but I’d like to give you some of my useful paranoia. Let’s see the instant replay in slo-mo.
“Let me think about it, and I’ll get back to you.”
There are not one, but TWO bits of vagueness here. One is the “it.” Think about “it.” What’s “it?” What are they thinking about? You spent fifty minutes on the phone, and all they’ve got to show is one “it?”
And the other vagueness is “get back to you.” Err… when? How? Why?
They truly aren’t trying to be slippery. It’s just with discomfort and busyness going on: it’s easier to stuff all of that into the “it” box than to actually name “it.” So don’t hang up, your job isn’t done. They need your help.
Ask About the “It” and the “When”
“Can you tell me what you’re needing to think about? I totally get it that you need time, and I wasn’t necessarily expecting an answer right now, but I’m really curious about what in particular you’re considering?”
Keep asking until you feel clear about what they are wrestling with.
Then ask about the other, you know, thing.
“I totally get what you’re wrestling with now. I agree, that’s worth taking some time with. Now, here’s my question: how much time is reasonable for you to get clear about that? I ask because we’ve got an open-ended conversation here and it’s going to be swirling around in my mind, and in yours, until we get clarity. So how much time do you need to figure this out?”
“Oh, a few days.”
“So when should we talk again?”
“How about I let you know by Friday?”
“Friday–perfect. Shall we set a time? How about one o’clock for about fifteen minutes, and if it’s not for you, we’ll both be clear, and if it is, we can figure out the next steps together.”
“Perfect, one p.m. We’ll talk then.”
Bingo. No wondering, no vagueness.
This Is Called “The Bridge”
When you make that next appointment to carry over the think-about-it time, it’s called “The Bridge.” Which is short for, “The Bridge Over Insanity to A Safe Harbor of Not Worrying About Whether They Are Going To Get Back To You Or Not.”
But Isn’t It Rude to Be Pushy Like That?
It’s not rude, it’s a help for them. It’s a BIG help. Listen, as painful as it is for you to hang out wondering, it’s also cluttering up their mind, too. Nagging and worrying them. And if they promise to get back to you, and don’t, then they start feeling shame and guilt.
The problem with shame and guilt is that they tend to compound themselves. Meaning that if someone is feeling guilt, they may be more likely to disappear, rather than come clean.
How painful is that? Having someone feel guilty about not getting back to you, and then avoiding you because they feel guilty, when all they really want is to get back to you and sign up for your offer?
Oy!
So do you and them a favor, and ask about the vagueness, then implement the Bridge.
One Little Thing: The Polite “No”
If you ask them about their “thinking about it” and try to set The Bridge appointment, and they aren’t giving it up, then that’s really good information. If they are bulldogged about staying vague, and don’t answer your questions clearly, then what you may be dealing with is a Polite No.
It simply means they want to say “No” for whatever reason, and don’t have the heart to say it to you directly. So they try to slip out the back door.
If someone continues to be vague, have compassion for them. “Okay, well it seems as if you really do need some time to think about it. Just let me know when you’re ready to talk about this, or anything else. My door is open.”
And then let them go. If they come back, great. And if they don’t, you aren’t worrying about them.
Your Chasing Days Are Now Over
With a heart-felt willingness to ask about vagueness, and to set The Bridge appointment, you never need to chase after anyone ever again. You can rest easy in your heart with the clarity, and your potential client can rest into your clarity, which actually makes it easier to trust you and become a client.
17 Responses
Thank you, Mark. This situation has happened quite a few times, and your article addresses it masterfully. Great tip, clearly presented.
I particularly appreciated the bit about the avoidance factor: I do and teach a new type of transformational energy work, which shifts things very very rapidly and profoundly, and have been thinking of ways of addressing that avoidance factor from the get go, and in my workshop, to help people to keep going on their inner journey.
With love,
Tamara
Mark, I like your approach much better than the one I was taught in sales training: “What is there to think about?” I always felt that rejoinder was pushy and defensive, and tried to soften it by asking: “Can I answer any more questions/Is there more information you need about [the offer or product]?” I wanted to find out whether I was dealing with a polite “no” or whether the prospect did really need time to noodle, as I often do when faced with a big decision/major purchase. It’s sometimes hard to tap into my intuition in the middle of a sales conversation with a relative stranger. Asking for a follow-up appointment honors that need for time and quiet contemplation–and sorts out who’s seriously thinking of buying and who wants to back away quietly.
Mark,
My light bulb moment: “avoidance factor that simply has to do with feeling uncomfortable about moving forward.” I went straight back to that moment I picked up the phone to call a coach and say, “I want to hire YOU!”
Even after all my (what felt like) steadiness in the decision-making process (interviewing other coaches, using my own intuition, waiting in-as-neutral-position as I could possibly find)… at the moment I called her and for long moments afterward, I could feel my resistance to simply knowing there was a path in front of me unfolding. I also knew it lead to, well, more! I was committed to require more of myself than for any other reason in my life before that moment… I wanted a better life than the one I had and I knew there was ‘work’ in front of me.” Uncomfortable, yes. Moving forward. Yes!
Thank you for this post. It’s given me some perspective. I’ve remembered my own experience in hiring a transformational expert. And it helps me to see how responding in Love, to build the bridge… to hang out for just a minute longer in the uncomfortable and ask a question! Here is where we actually begin the coaching relationship! Be uncomfortable (sometimes) and ask a question. It’s worth the clarity on the other side of uncomfortable.
To bridges and tree-hugging 🙂
Mynde
Super article as usual! I sent it onward to several people and recommended they subscribe —
it is TOP NOTCH Mark– thank you!
Joanna
Joanna
@Tamara- Glad it was so helpful! And yes, the avoidance factor… it’s a big one, and it’s rarely personal to us.
@Anne- I agree with you. I always felt like I had to step out of myself to push there. It’s so obvious that sometimes people just need a little time. I do. You do. They do. Gotta give it to ’em.
@Mynde- Lightbulb in a Tree! 😉 I’ve always liked those strings of festive holiday lights strung up around the tree- so you having a lightbulb moment seems particularly festive! 🙂 It was a big one for me to see this, too.
@Joanna- Thanks for forwarding it! Hoping as many people get the help as possible.
I appreciate this post so much, from two perspectives.
As the person who’s selling the transformational work, I can definitely remember times when I was afraid to push hard enough to “close the sale” just because it felt slimy to me. And I definitely get that having those “will-they-won’t-they” thoughts swirling through my head takes energy away from other stuff, like, you know, actually doing the work I love for people who are already paying me.
As the customer/prospect/whatever, I hate the feeling that I have to decide right now, because that feels fear-based, even if I already have a strong feeling that my answer will be “yes.”. I just don’t want to be pressured, plus I know that I often default to “yes,” so I get to be extra-careful not to automatically agree with everything.
So if I was the customer in this conversation, I would deeply appreciate not only the chance to get back to the seller, but the offer of a specific time and manner of doing so.
Remembering that simple fact will help me in future conversations with prospects. Thank you!
Wendy Cholbi
@Wendy- you are so welcome- I’m glad this has helped bring some ease and spaciousness to the sales process for you. I’m a big fan of slowing clients and customers down in the purchasing process- for them and for me. Sometimes the people who have jumped in the fastest have been the hardest clients… because they didn’t take the time to truly know what we were offering them, and so were operating in illusion. Made for painful relationships.
As a business woman I’m guilty when it comes
to using the – I’ll get back to you line -and that’s usually because I do not wish to be rushed into anything especially when dealing with fast talking sales persons. It is just like when I’m out shopping and see something that takes my fancy I think twice about buying it and if it is an expensive purchase then I leave it. If after a few days I can’t get the item out of my mind then I go back and purchase it.
@Arline- I’m the same way. Especially if I have any doubt or nervousness, I tend to shut down and not buy. I think it’s such a legitimate thing for us to use.
And if we’re selling, then we’d better give folks that kind of space- and that’s why the bridge is so effective- because it honors the time and space the prospective client needs.
Hi Mark,
I always seem to end up as your Devil’s Advocate…is there some Sufi word for that?
It sounds like a rationalization to me when you say, “It’s not rude, it’s a help for them.” It’s justifying something by saying it’s “for their own good”. How do you know? I’m hearing this element of assuming that you can read their mind and that you know the best decision for them so you’ll just help them make it. It doesn’t feel right to me.
When I say to someone, “I’ll think about it and get back to you”, I’m not promising anything. I’m saying in shorthand, “I’ve heard your pitch and I’d like to get off the phone now”. I’m not saying “No, I don’t want this” in a polite way – I’m saying “I want to be in charge of the next contact point”. I want the ball to be in my court.
I don’t consider it to be a promise and don’t take it as one if someone says it to me. It just doesn’t seem to me like it really is a promise, it’s an expression of a need for autonomy and space.
And I don’t know how much time/space I’ll need to figure out if I want something — that’s why I said I’ll think about it. And if the person tries to set an apppointment by which time I’ll have it all figured out, it just feels like pressure to me.
Trying to figure out what I want by a certain time knowing that I’ll be called and be expected to know, by a person invested in me deciding one way, is way more stress-inducing to me than the thought of a vague statement of “I’ll get back to you”.
Anyway, I feel like uncertainty is a part of business and the way to deal with it is accept it and rest in the knowledge that there are plenty of clients out there, not try to extract certainty from people who don’t have it or decide you know what they are really wanting and make up their minds for them.
It seems like the rest of the commenters agree with you. Maybe there are more people who would appreciate this than people like me who would find it annoying, I dunno. I guess I’m just speaking for myself.
Emma
.-= Emma McCreary’s lastest post: Introversion and Online Socialness/Productivity =-.
Hi Emma- I have to admit in having done this with hundreds of people, that I’ve never encountered a negative reaction. Most people seem glad to make an appointment, and appreciative of the impact the uncertainty would have on me, and those who don’t want to make an appointment then become more clear with me- “I’m really uncertain and have no idea how much time I need.” And then I can let them go.
Uncertainty is a part of a business, but I don’t see any problem in asking about uncertainty to try to bring light to it. And most people I’ve encountered, as I said, actually appreciate getting clear.
In this culture so many of us have undecided decisions swirling around in our brain, it’s a major form of clutter. If this helps to reduce that clutter by one decision, it seems like it helps.
And, as I said above, people are always welcome to say they don’t want to make an appointment. And when that happens, I’m fine with that. And I’ve never had one of those people ever call me back- which is why I call it a “polite no.”
But you don’t *know* that it’s a polite no. All you know is that they didn’t call you back. You are assuming that you know why. That’s my problem here, the assumptions. If someone used this technique on me, I’d be very turned off and my trust in the person would be affected, and I wouldn’t *want* to call back.
In a sense when I say that it is a polite no – but not to their service. It’s a polite no to making a decision right then. And if they push past that no it feels like they are pushing my boundaries and not respecting that no – the no representing a need for autonomy, not indicating a lack of interest in their service. But that kind of pushing can turn me off even if I liked their service.
Sure, you may be right, that everyone you’ve ever met has been totally fine with it. But just reading your post I felt queasy. So I said something. I thought you would want feedback from someone who it wouldn’t work for and is actually brave enough to speak up when everyone else agrees with you. Just sayin’.
.-= Emma McCreary’s lastest post: Introversion and Online Socialness/Productivity =-.
That’s fine, Emma. What makes you think I don’t want feedback?
The problem is that the answer isn’t clear. If you say, ‘I’ll think about it.” there’s no way for the person hearing it to know what that means:
“I’m overwhelmed and can’t think about it right now.”
“I’ve got one more question, but I’m not sure if it’s okay to ask that question.”
“This is my boundary and I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
Or any number of other answers.
If someone gives me an answer that has no ambiguity to it, then I don’t need to ask a question. “I don’t know right now. I have some interest, but I don’t have an answer right now, and I’m not sure how long I need.”
“Ok, great. Let me know when you have an answer.”
I could understand how if someone gives a really clear answer, and I’m pushing for a different answer, or if I’m pressuring someone to make a decision on my timeline, then that doesn’t feel good.
Can you help me understand how asking a question, with you having freedom to answer however you like, doesn’t respect your need for autonomy?
Mark,
I think a huge amount of stuff is communicated by tone and when a person reads written words they add in their own tones. So maybe when I review this conversation in my head, I’m putting different tones in it than you are.
Take this conversation:
Person A: “Let me think about it, and I’ll get back to you.”
Person B: “Can you tell me what you’re needing to think about?”
In my head, Person A’s tone is clearly saying, “I’d like to end the conversation now because I need time to think about it on my own”. It’s not ambiguous. Maybe the words don’t say it literally, but the tone and context do. So what I was reading here was that you wanted people to disregard the tone and context, and override the person and keep pressing them because of a technicality of language. Which I objected to.
I don’t like it when someone takes the literal meaning of what I said and disregards the tone, context, and generally accepted usage of a phrase. That feels tricky to me. And salespeople do that sometimes. Which is what I’m reacting to.
I guess it boils down to: that phrase just isn’t ambiguous to me. It’s clear and so continuing to press feels invasive.
Maybe it works for you and a lot of other people but it doesn’t work for me and that’s all I was saying in the first place.
Emma
.-= Emma McCreary’s lastest post: Introversion and Online Socialness/Productivity =-.
I think if I got that tone/vibe off you, I probably wouldn’t press. Maybe that’s why I haven’t had a problem with the people I’ve worked with.
Thanks Mark and thanks Emma! I really enjoyed reading the article and also Emma’s counter-perspective. I love it when there are differences which help us to dig down to the core values.
I love the concepts and ideas around this area and I get the chance to try them out every week. I have tried several approaches, many recommended by ‘experts’ with limited success.
I am lucky ’cause my heart lets me know when I ‘get it wrong’ (as if there were such a thing as failure, ha!). As a human being I often find myself in challenging situations where I am faced with discomfort and I observe myself behaving in one of 3 ways:
1) I run away (eg vague sales calls where I fail to ask a prospect what they thing of the offering and if they would like to go ahead or perhaps not asking a pretty girl for her number because I am afraid of who-knows-what)
2) I bulldoze my way through. When other people are involved I am sure they can sense the intensity of my frustration. Usually THEY will then run away or worse still, agree to to something that isn’t right for them in their heart. It sure feels yucky to me if can sense I have manipulated someone!!!
3) I STAY. I acknowledge my discomfort and stop resisting. I feel it fully and allow it to be. I breathe. And then when I am ready I move forward.
I notice the same responses when I work with people who are working to overcome their phobias in the swimming pool and also when I am doing yoga. In both cases staying in the safe comfort zone leads to no change and ‘forcing through’ natural barriers can cause damage.
My yoga teacher talks about finding the ‘comfortable edge’ where a pose has some challenge but breath is still natural and not forced by ‘going too far’. I think this idea can be applied to sales just as well as it can to dating or overcoming water phobia!
I have been wrestling with learning how to ‘do sales’ in a way that is effective and feels right for my heart. Yesterday for the first time I felt 100% comfortable with myself in that role and I was able to effectively help 3 valuable customers through a sales process. Mark your free seminar has led to a big shift for me and I am most grateful for the help.
I have also consciously put myself in two other ‘sales situations’ as a potential customer. In all 3 cases the passion for sharing shone out of the ‘salesperson’ and I felt as though I was receiving a genuine gift. (I was!)
I guess it all boils down to whether my business prioritises giving service or getting paid and the Business Momentum Homestudy has really helped me to get clear on that.
Thanks again Emma and Mark,
Dunstan
PS I am not a Sufi but I do know what feels good in my heart 😉
I’m so celebrating this with you, Dunstan. Congrats on staying in your heart, and thanks for explaining your process with it. Really helpful to hear it from another’s perspective. You rock!