I had an interesting conversation with a client a few weeks ago. She had been circulating in a crowd of influential people, many of them potential clients.
As it happened, she was a woman of color, and most of the folks in that room were were white men. The interactions with these men were sometimes respectful, but other times were decidedly not. Inappropriate flirtations, plus being talked down to.
If you’re a woman, or a person of color, I’m sure none of this surprises you in any way.
It’s a challenge. Because while my client is a powerhouse with an impressive list of credentials and experience behind her, she is also new in what she is stepping into. Yet because of this dynamic, it seems like she’s not allowed to be new, or she’ll never be taken seriously.
This highlights an issue that many self-employed and small business owners face around confidence.
I don’t have the ultimate answer, which would be to completely bring down the current culture of white supremacy and patriarchy and replace it with something equitable, sane, healthy, and community-minded…
…but given that may not happen before you next walk into a room, here are some thoughts on confidence and clarity from this white guy here, yours truly.
Take time to fully stand in who you are and what you’ve done.
I’ve had clients take time to write up their bios according to our Heart-Centered Websites template, and they turn around and say, “Damn, I sound good! I’ve done a LOT.”
It has to do with acknowledging all of your experience, all of your gifts, to seeing it all with humility. You don’t need to pump yourself up.
Humility is what opens your heart to accepting the truth, and the truth is that you’ve got some real chops, and life experiences. They may not (seem) to be directly related to the work you want to do… but give them a moment. They are, and you’ll see the connections if you open your heart and let it in.
Acknowledge where you are new, and appreciate it.
It’s a nuanced, subtle life we live, eh? You can have a great deal of experience and be a powerhouse in some ways, and in others feel tender, and also be actually new at some skill, or with a particular group of clients.
Acknowledging the reality of that before you walk into a room can help you be who you are. Not reaching to be bigger, but also not letting yourself shrink to be smaller. You’re a capable, experienced powerhouse trying out something new. BOOM.
Connect with both of those feelings before you walk into the room.
Listen, I know there’s a LOT to understanding how to navigate white supremacy, sexism and other strange and traumatic power dynamics in these situations.
I do know that a huge piece is being prepared, not being suprised. Those dynamics WILL be there, without fail, because when have they not?
But if you’re clear about where you’re a beginner, and where you carry strength, then you’ll be more easily able to discern in the moment when a dynamic is inappropriate, and when you can be honestly humble without giving yourself away.
We, all of we, need you.
This culture especially needs to be listening to the voices that have been speaking all along, but have been ignored. I want to see more marginalized, side-lined voices taking up big space at all levels.
Without each of our presence, without your presence, the Oneness is not complete. No one can be missing. And it takes courage and strength and appropriate, healthy humility to show up.
This is also a notice to those of us who don’t have to deal with those extra dynamics, to support those who are more impacted. We need to speak up and interrupt inappropriate dynamics, not stand still in stunned silence. We need to stop being surprised when it happens, and have thought ahead how to respond when it inevitably rears up.
We rise together, we get free together, as my friend Desiree Adaway says. Here’s one of her classes in case it’s helpful.
How does this land with you? I’m so curious to hear what’s true for you in thinking about this.
With love,
Mark Silver, M.Div.
Heart of Business, Inc.
Sovereignty (bonus class) is a business owner’s best friend.
What do I mean by sovereignty? The ability to hold yourself as the queen or king you are, with the strength and clarity and rootedness in the Divine that naturally resides within you. That you can face the most undermining situations, without losing touch with your heart and the strength within.
For those that join The Heart of Your Business in May, there’s a bonus class on how Sufis access the Divine quality of Sovereignty when facing an overwhelming, overbearing world. This is a stunningly powerful class, one that I’ve taught to my students many times.
Just join The Heart of Your Business (and you set the price) in May, and you’ll attend the bonus class June 4, 2:30pm eastern. And you’ll get the recording and other materials.
Take a look at the program: The Heart of Your Business
Register. Ask questions. We’re here.
2 Responses
Don’t forget older people. We’re also made to feel incompetent regardless of our achievements, especially in the area of marketing. We’re open to millennial-splaining if we are not using the trendiest marketing jargon and participating on all the social media platforms.
Hi Mark,
Well called out. I loved your paragraph about “those of us who don’t need to deal with those extra dynamics…” As a woman who spent most of my career in engineering, what an incredible thought that a man might have said “hey, what is that about?” to some of the stuff that goes on.
You got me thinking about being “new”, and I realised that the way I see it is that each new work I take on is actually a “synthesis” of everything that I have learned up to that point. Not really new – it’s an integration of what has gone before, to get a better big picture. So for me it doesn’t feel as unqualified as the word “new” would imply.
Thanks.