My colleague George Kao had raised an interesting question in FB some weeks ago, about how do people handle it when someone wants to “pick your brain.”
Do you know what I mean? Someone reaches out, asks a question, and it turns into a situation where they want seemingly endless free advice. In those moments, how do you gracefully and effectively shift from giving free advice, to having them step into getting a paid session with you?
I made a video. 🙂
And here’s the original conversation the George Kao had on Facebook [link: https://www.facebook.com/GeorgeKao/posts/10111164400274163]
What do you think of my approach? Do you have a more effective way? Or questions?
With love,
Mark Silver, M.Div.
Heart of Business, Inc.
Every act of business can be an act of love.
P.S. Which is it? Spiritual or business?
I know folks struggle with the question of whether a business issue is a business problem that just needs strategy/know-how, or whether there is a spiritual issue involved, like needing to be better at receiving.
I’ve been working at this intersection for 20 years, and I wanted to give you some insight into how to tell which is which.
We have this short, $24 course which can help you answer this question, and potentially save you weeks, months, years of working on the wrong side of the equation…
5 Responses
Very nourishing.
You have done this with me, Mark, and as a result,
a part of me that I had habitually “shushed” felt so validated!
For others reading:
I had been TOTALLY UNDERESTIMATING the scale, scope, and duration of the problem I was having!
I needed you to do this with me *several times* during The Heart of Your Business Program. I watched you do it with others. I felt bad for them, because when it wasn’t me, I could really tell that they were asking a Big Question and hoping for a Short Answer.
I saw how badly I(/we) needed your validation: “that’s a Big Question worthy of time and support”
… And I needed it over and over…
before a small part of me got enough validation that the rest of my system was willing to listen to it.
In a way, I had had internal bullying going on, as a way to protect me from crying out more loudly everywhere I went!
I had near-chronic “shushing” of the part of me that had always seemed to want hand-holding when the rest of me said “I’m smart, I should be able to figure this out on my own!” This dynamic had turned the “WE-need-support”-part into an “*i*-need-support” part, whiny, shy, ashamed, and unable to clear/settle the rest of me enough to inquire about the (dreadedly “probably too high”) price of the help I *really* needed.
Again:
I had been TOTALLY UNDERESTIMATING the scale, scope, and duration of the problem I was having
on one hand…
because the other hand seemed to be crying: “we will never be able to get enough help to fulfill the neediness.”
Your ability to normalize neediness,
to validate the technical questions,
to bring to bear that, in your extensive experience, people in my shoes need a certain amount of time…
that it’s totally doable to TAKE that time…
that it’s worthy of the time…
that it can be successful (doubt precludes motivation)…
and that you have avenues, modules, well-worn paths that will get me from A to B to C, etc. was a comfort,
but
(AND)
the *sale* was in the normalization:
because I was *not the only one* with this need for support,
you have, compassionately, created avenues that make it affordable for me to join in,
rather than need you as much as one might need a parent or caregiver.
This resolved the inner tension between the shy part that wanted hand-holding, and the rest of my system ashamedly claiming that it was too needy to ever be satisfied.
Now I’m in the Learning Community,
and I feel so held and safe,
so ready for each next step,
so compassionately accountable to myself and my clients,
and SO sure I have ALL the help I need.
THANK YOU for “making that sale”
so brilliantly and lovingly
by offering an 8-week course that was as short as I thought it “should” be…
so I could see my TRUE trajectory
…with self-compassion
& confidence!
This is a beautiful way to transition to making a gentle invitation into working together. It also establishes a boundary for you and for them which can be hard to do but necessary in order to preserve your energy and their understanding of your expertise. Love this very simple and practical tip, Mark (and George)!
Yes and!! I’ve been doing this lately. offering some quick advice in response to their inquiry, but also saying that in order for me to really address their needs I would have to ask more and talk in a different format to really get them the help they’re looking for. I appreciate this timely message. thank you!
I love this approach. I learned it from improv theatre alsol. Thanks for showing how it applies to the situation of people wanting lots of free help. You make it elegant and natural, a good reminder to apply that method which I hadn’t thought of. Now I can’t wait for a chance to try it out!
Thanks so much Mark, you keep coming up with gems.
I think it’s good to be firm about your boundaries but I’m often way too nice. Your approach is really professional and I will try to implement it