A strange truth is that very often apologies totally miss, and even anger the people being apologized to.
As a client of mine said, “How can we get to be grown adults and never learned how apologies really work?”
I want to share some spiritual and process pieces around how to work with apologies when you’ve made a significant mistake with a client or someone else around your business.
First step: Care for your discomfort and regain sovereignty.
Often when we’ve made a mistake, we collapse into shame. A big problem with shame, aside from how it feels, is that it is an abandonment of our sovereignty, of our power, and thus an abandonment of our ability to repair the mistake.
So, instead of repairing the harm, we’re focused on how uncomfortable we feel, which leaves the person we’ve harmed out in the cold.
Take the time and get the support to move through the discomfort of making a mistake. Then regain the sovereignty that is yours. If you’re the business owner, chances are you’re in a position of power compared to the client, so being in the truth of your sovereignty means that you can be more responsible with where you are standing.
Step Two: See the harm and why it’s affecting them.
Take the time to experience the situation from their perspective. What are their values? What do they care about that’s been impacted? How might they feel? What disruptions or harm have hit them?
When we take the time to empathize, from a position of sovereignty and care, then we can begin to imagine how we might repair the harm.
Step Three: Craft an apology that asks nothing of the person harmed.
Often in these situations someone has been harmed, and then the misguided attempt at an apology burdens the person harmed even further, asking them unconsciously to take care of the person who made the mistake.
Requests like, “I’d like to meet with you and hear your point of view.” “Please forgive me and allow me to make it up to you.” are requests that ask more than they give.
Elements of the apology that really help, include:
- An explanation of how you’re imagining they’ve been impacted and how it might look from their point of view. (Or, if they’ve explained how they feel and how they’ve been impacted, stating that in a way that shows that you really heard them. “Oh, I really got how what I did affected you- I would feel the same way, and be equally angry and upset.”)
- A description of what you intend to do to repair the harm and to keep it from happening again. This may include immediate action, or may include a commitment to learning before taking action.
- The clarity that you are asking nothing of them, but you are available to them if they have anything else they want to express.
- An expression of understanding of how they might react and consequences you expect you will suffer if you make the mistake again.
You should not expect that the person you’re apologizing to will suddenly feel happy, or better, or in other ways over what happened. Looking for that kind of outcome is a subtle sign that you are still seeking that person to take care of you.
The spiritual lesson here.
So many people, especially the more vulnerable among us, are at risk emotionally, financially or physically, if they express upset or anger.
For you to be a safe enough haven to receive someone’s upset is such a gift. To see that expressed upset as a gift of trust, and an expression of hope that we on the receiving end might learn from it and do better… that’s a deep hope in this world.
Special note about racism, sexism, homophobia, ableism, etc.
Modern western culture teaches an unconscious disrespect of so many types of vulnerable people, including women, people of color, queer folks, disabled folks… the list unfortunately gets long. Because it teaches it in a baked-in way, often when we make mistakes it’s hard for us to see even when it’s pointed out.
This kind of approach to apology and repair is a big part of the work that’s needed. To be able to hear this feedback, and learn and grow, without collapse, without defensiveness, without denial, is a significant thread of healing our world needs. If you do receive this kind of feedback from someone it is a deep blessing, because so often the ones affected have been hit with this over and over again, most likely on a daily basis, and often they choose their battles carefully, where they see a chance for change.
I’m not an expert in diversity, equity and inclusion work, so I’m not going to hold forth. There are many folks available who do this work, so if you find yourself receiving this kind of feedback, and you’re at a loss, get help and learn before taking action.
Remember.
Remember, most foundationally, regain your sovereignty and strength so you can actually repair the harm. A collapsed apology helps no one. An apology from sovereignty and strength helps to weave our world in a beautiful way.
With love,
Mark Silver, M. Div.
Heart of Business, Inc.
Every act of business can be an act of love.
