Some time ago, I found myself apologizing to a 12 year-old boy, I’ll call him Mike. Here’s the story: his mom (a colleague of mine) had hosted me and my workshop in her town, and after the workshop she and I went out to dinner with her two kids. At one point we were talking about how touched we were by some of the issues brought up by one of the participants.
Naturally enough, Mike piped up “What are you talking about?” At first, we clumsily said, “Nothing.” He pressed us, “I really want to know.” I finally answered, “We want to respect the people in the workshop and so can’t really tell you.” Which was true enough, and, in the moment, I felt it was honest and direct and respectful. He started acting out after that, going around the restaurant, causing a middlin’ amount of havoc like a 12 year-old boy can do.
The next morning it was still bothering me, so I really sat with it in my heart, until the insight came: we hadn’t been polite and respectful of Mike, or, really, of the participants, at dinner that night, by talking about it in front of him without any intention of including him in the conversation. And that I needed to apologize to him. Immediately after this insight came in, a wave of relief and a feeling of spaciousness and release came into my body, and I promptly went up and apologized to him.
When we fall out of our integrity, (integrity meaning “the quality or condition of being whole or undivided” American Heritage Dictionary), we lose a part of ourselves, and we carry the lack of integrity with us until it is resolved.
It does not have to be a huge big fat lie or double dealing, it can be something as simple as what happened above- an every day scene. I’m thankful that Mike acted out, because it made the whole thing stick with me in a conscious way, whereas if he hadn’t, maybe it would have just been a minor feeling of “something’s not quite right,” that I could have ignored for a long time.
The kicker: “could have ignored it for a long time.”
Until I dealt with it, I would have carried it with me, and these little integrity lapses, minor as they are, collect, stew, and simmer, and build up until they blow up in what can be a big way.
Do you have the equivalent of a 12 year-old boy acting up in your business or life somewhere? Maybe that person or situation is doing you the kind favor of pointing out an integrity lapse, something that can eventually do big damage to your business. Just to “decide” to change your behavior is what I call New Year’s Resolution Syndrome- and we know how successful that is.
Here’s how I handle it:
1. First, notice that something feels “off,” or is just plain wrong. You might not have any idea of what it is, or you might have stories and ideas about what it is, but the offness still doesn’t go away- that’s your clue that you don’t really know what’s going on. Stop trying to solve it, and let yourself feel it.
2. In your sincerity to want to change the situation, find your willingness to see where you have full responsibility.
3. Focus on the physical location of the feeling of “offness.” Maybe your stomach has a sinking feeling, maybe your shoulders are tight. As you accept responsibility, began to apologize to the Divine, repeating the Remembrance and your apology into the discomfort, along with the willingness to be shown what happened.
4. When the insight comes in, follow through! Even though I had received relief when the insight came in, I knew I had to actually follow through and apologize to Mike, or I would have been out of integrity again.
This is sometimes called “repentance,” in some ancient spiritual traditions. What I’ve noticed from this process, instead of trying to forever change behavior or fix things from the stuck place (the New Year’s Resolution Syndrome), is that the insights and relief gained through this process helps to clean out old patterns of being so that it’s no longer possible to go back to the old ways of doing things.
Try it- you, your business, and the Mikes in your life, will be much happier and more effective.
