I’ve recently shown up on three different podcasts, which is fun. They are all so different, I wanted to share them in case they are helpful, fun… and, the hosts are each doing really good work.
Each of these episodes was surprisingly vulnerable and touching in different ways. I’m grateful for how these folks hold space.
Beyond Names, hosted by Dr Habib Boerger
Habib and I talked about business, and love, and my journey through Judaism, queer community, earth-based spirituality, and Sufism, as well as regenerative agriculture, healing from systems of domination… and what does it all have to do with business?
Lonely at the Top, hosted by Rachel Alexandria
Integrity and consent in leading communities.
We touched on the difference between cultural and leadership loneliness, why consent-based communication is a missing critical leadership skill, how to share authentically without overstepping boundaries, among other things.
True Wealth with Betty Cottam Bertels
The Heart Feeds Itself First: Healing, “Overgiving” & Sacred Business
We really dove deep into business here, about business healing as an integration of small business, spirituality, nourishment and liberation work, distortion in capitalism and why sincere people adopt harmful tactics, a different understanding of overgiving, and bringing spirituality into public work without dilution or trying to convert anyone.
I hope you are nourished by these good people.
And now I want to talk about…
The Importance of Conditional Empathy
I want to say right out that I don’t mean your empathy has conditions, but rather the way empathy is expressed should be conditional… Let me explain.
One of the email lists I subscribe to had a message that started with empathy, similar to the kind of empathy we recommend our clients use.
I’m not going to quote them verbatim, because I don’t need to call them out, we’re all learning, but I want to give you a version and tell you how you should tweak it.
So, the pseudo quotation is: “You’re up at 3am. You’re worried about hitting your numbers, and about the details of the project. Your mind is racing, and all you can think of are doomsday scenarios…”
The empathy scenario is, I’m sure, right on for many in this person’s audience. And, I recommend doing something very similar to this, we call it the Empathy Opener, where you use what Nonviolent Communication calls “empathetic guesses.” Instead of questions, you make statements as guesses wanting to echo/empathize/witness what is happening for the other person.
When it’s done well, people feel really seen. One of our clients told us, “When I finally put up my website, someone reached out to me, “Are you following me around videoing me? That’s exactly how I feel…” “
The problem.
People love to be witnessed, we need it, it’s a profound need of the heart to be seen. There’s a quote in Islam/Sufism, attributed directly to the Divine: “I was a hidden treasure and I yearned to be known, so I created the creation in order to be known.”
This yearning to be known, to be deeply witnessed, is echoed in our hearts and is so profoundly healing.
At the same time, people don’t like to be told how we feel.
“You’re sad!” Hey, how do you know that? I’m the boss of me, so don’t tell me how I feel.
Power-over feels terrible, and consent is so core to our relational needs. Telling someone how they feel runs directly counter to what our hearts most want.
When I read the email message I pseudo-quoted above, my involuntary reaction was to tighten and back up. “Maybe that’s my experience and maybe it’s not, but don’t tell me how I feel,” was my knee-jerk response.
Adding caring, softening, conditional language.
It’s just kinda nice to check in. “If you’re like a lot of folks I know, I wonder if you’re feeling…?” “Is it possible that you’re encountering…?” “If this is true for you, then you might feel how my clients have felt…”
This conditional language, this asking if it’s true, makes space for them to disagree… or to agree. It’s much easier to want to agree if there is that space.
And, there’s forgiveness. Instead of, “NO, I don’t feel that way!” I find myself responding more, “That’s not exactly it, but pretty close. What you’re saying feels relevant… let me keep reading…”
Problem-based marketing can be kind and sacred.
This kind of empathy is not the entire picture, not by a long-shot. But, for those who say “problem-based marketing is the problem” I can’t agree at all. This need for empathy and witnessing is so profound, to have it missing entirely from how you talk about your work, is, I feel, a grave mistake.
Bring in the empathy based on their struggles, keep it conditional so they have space to agree or disagree, and you’ll have a great start to a powerful message.
with love,
Mark Silver, M.Div
Heart of Business, Inc. Every act of business can be an act of love.
Our next course: Leading Groups
We’re very close to opening registration for our next course, Leading Groups. It’s a short, powerful course that shared insights, and healing, based on my 30 years of teaching and leading groups.
Why groups? There are two reasons in particular:
- The tension between charging enough for to be cared-for, and the desire to keep your work accessible to those who need it, can be partially solved through groups. People can pay less, and you can make more, and they can be really powerful for everyone.
- The urgency of the world. Many of us can feel the urgency in our situation, and we want to be helping and supporting as many people as possible. To powerfully, responsibly and effectively be able to lead groups means that you move beyond one-on-one.
I’m not recommending ditching one-on-one work. It’s powerful, intimate, and often necessary. But adding groups in, or if you’re already leading groups, making your groups more effective and less troublesome, may be what you want.
Keep your eyes open for an announcement later this week.
